10 INFJ Dating Experiences That Ring True

“I want to connect with my date on a deep level, but I don’t like sharing my private thoughts and feelings.”

“I want to go out on dates with this person, but I’d also rather stay at home.”

 If you’re an INFJ, hitting the dating scene can throw up some interesting contradictions. You dislike being vulnerable, yet you crave deep connections. You can see when someone is playing you, but can be gullible when you're with someone you like.  You're quite playful in the early stages of dating, but you want someone to show you that they're capable of being in a committed relationship.

How does this play out in the dating world? Read on for 10 common INFJ dating experiences and why they happen. 

1. You Feel Instant Chemistry or Nothing at All 

When INFJs go on a first date, they either feel amazing sparks or static—there’s nothing in between! You’re not the type to wait for a connection to blossom over time because you want that instant chemistry with others. You’re led by your heart and your intuition. You won't ignore the little voice that tells you whether or not your date is someone who could potentially be a long-term partner, and you won't rationalize dating someone when the connection isn't there. It's hard for you to shake your idealistic idea of a Great Romance, despite your friends constantly rolling their eyes at you. 

2. You Are Top Level Picky 

INFJs sometimes get called “too picky” (I know I have!). But you don’t mean to be judgmental of others. You just have sky-high standards, which isn’t harmful as long as those standards are realistic—no one is perfect, after all. Others might not realize that, as individuals with wild imaginations and a rich inner world, INFJs tend to spend lots of time dreaming up what they want from relationships. They don’t want to settle for less than that, so they can hold out for longer than others might. 

3. You're Not a Fan of Small Talk

If your first date conversation features talk about the weather or your favorite color, you’ll see an INFJ’s eyes glaze over. If you think your date is worth the effort, you will immediately nudge the conversation to a deeper level, even if that means you have to take the lead in doing so. You want to peel back their surface layers and learn about your date's deepest secrets, biggest fantasies and greatest passions. This might feel like too much too soon if the other person is pacing themselves. Yup, INFJs can be intense! 

4.You Chase True Love, Not Casual Dating

Flings are boring to the INFJ who is trying to find their soulmate. Sometimes, this makes you have too-high expectations for dates, but you can’t help it. You’re mindful of the energy you’re putting out there in the dating game. You don’t want to invest so much into learning about someone or sharing about yourself for nothing. When all the flirtatious texts and coffee dates don’t build up to anything, it can be a massive setback to the INFJ who feels things so deeply. 

5. You Struggle to Open Up 

It can be frustrating for people to get to know an INFJ. Although you’re friendly and fun when people first meet you, you hold your cards close to your chest. You’re a cautious cat, and no one gets to see the vulnerable side of you until you let them in. Some people may feel ignored or pushed away when you do this, but that is not your intention. You're just terrified of being judged, which makes you guard your feelings like the valuable possessions they are. It can be confusing for a dating partner to deal with an INFJ who wants to build a deep connection but would rather hear about their partner’s life than talk about their own. 

6. You Become Your Date’s Therapist 

While INFJs avoid spilling the tea about themselves, they’re excellent listeners. Your date wants to offload their drama? It's a good job they're having dinner with you, because you’ll give them your undivided attention. The catch? As INFJs, we’re completely drained after giving what is essentially a free therapy session. You’ll need several days to unplug from everyone, including the person you’re dating—no matter how much you like them.

7. You're Always Thinking About Where the  Relationship is Going 

INFJs are pretty quick to pick up on whether someone has the potential to be a long-term partner or not. You desperately need to feel safe and secure, and you're also idealistic. These traits have you planning for a future you haven't even had time to lay the foundations for yet, instead of concentrating on the here and now. Your tendency to overthink about the future can make it challenging to relax and enjoy the fun-and-flirty early dating stages. It might even cause you to overlook your usual dating deal-breakers because you want things to work out so badly.  

8. You’re a Black Belt in Overthinking 

On the subject of overthinking, when you go on a first date, expect the excitement to last only for a short time before you’re knee-deep in analyzing their every word and text. What do they mean by a “good time”? What are their intentions? Why did they use that emoji? It’s exhausting! All that self-doubt and analyzing can switch the dating energy from carefree to clingy, which is off-putting to potential partners. Although it’s good to rely on your intuition, it can be unhealthy if you’re seeking deeper meanings about everything. 

9. You’d Rather Have Dates at Home 

INFJs are introverts. Although you might push yourselves to be social when meeting someone new, once you settle into a happy relationship, you would rather snuggle on the couch watching Netflix than socialize every weekend. This is fine if you're dating another introvert.  However, it can be problematic when dating an extravert who pressures you to get out more. One of your biggest fears is being with someone who doesn’t understand you—especially when it comes to your need for alone time to recharge.

10. You Forget to Set Boundaries 

Although it takes a while to open up and trust the person you’re dating, when it happens, you invest completely in the relationship. Complete devotion. Instead of thinking about your own needs and wants, you focus on your partner’s happiness and put pressure on yourself to make them happy. The result? Your self-care  and your boundaries go out the window. I'm constantly repeating the mantra: to have healthy, satisfying relationships, I need to be willing to open up about whatever I need so I don’t compromise myself. Sigh, it’s a work in progress!