The 16 Personalities at Thanksgiving Dinner

It's that time of year again, when families gather around the table to give thanks for everything they have. When unhinged Uncle Jerry starts ripping into your life choices. When your grandmother cries because you're single again. When your cousin brags about their perfect job and relationship. When someone brings up the election and vote shaming begins. It's Thanksgiving dinner, and it can be a melting pot of personalities and emotions.

But have you ever stopped to think about how each personality type might approach this Thanksgiving gathering? Just for fun, let's take a look at how the 16 personalities may behave at the dinner table—it's a satirical take using exaggerated tropes, so don't take it seriously!

ESTJ: The Mother Hen (AKA Interfering and Bossy)

Thanksgiving festivities do not start without them. From the first day of November, the ESTJ  assumes full responsibility for absolutely everything—where people will stay (at the ISFJ’s house), what they will eat (because the least everybody could do is bring a dish over), when they will arrive (if the come early they can help the ISFJ cook). While he or she technically isn’t the one who hosted dinner, everybody thanks them as they leave for the night.

ESFJ: The Funcle

The fun ESFJ uncle is literally always on WhatsApp or Facebook. He spends the year asking his nieces and nephews how their various sports and hobbies are going. What their favorite video games are.  Whether they've heard this anime soundtrack he just discovered. Everyone questions whether he has a job. On Thanksgiving day, he shows up with homemade matching sweaters and spends the day maneuvering everyone into one frame for his Facebook page. Nobody has the heart to tell him that the sweaters are ugly, since he is so nice.

ISFJ: The Self-Sacrificing Hostess (AKA the Martyr)

The ISFJ hosts dinner and sees it as a privilege. They wake up before sunrise to clean, cook and stick everything in the oven at least three times. They make sure they're the last one to take a plate, and the first one to start cleaning up. They spend the day rejecting offers for help, insisting that cooking is "their pleasure." Later, they yell at family members for never helping around the house.

ISTJ: The Alleged Mob Boss

The wealthiest and most mysterious cousin by far, the ISTJ has made enough money to retire both his parents and he doesn't even have a college degree. He makes his bi-annual appearances at Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners, so his presence around the table is a VERY BIG DEAL. When asked how he acquired so much money, he looks around cryptically and says, “stocks”. Nobody presses further.

ENTP: The Social Media Entrepreneur

Despite being only two years out of college and without a solid job, the ENTP's Instagram bio reads “entrepreneur”. This year, she comes to dinner bringing 20 vials of snail mucin, claiming that her “boss” will promote her if she meets her quota. None of her relatives want to tell her that she is involved in a pyramid scheme. They buy the snail mucin, even though they know it will give them rashes, out of the spirit of the holiday.

ENTJ: The Pyramid Scheme Founder

The ENTJ is running the said pyramid scheme. He used his MBA from Harvard business school to market vials of colored water as snail mucin and pay his employees very little to sell it. He preyed on the ENTP’s monetary impatience and increasing desperation to enlist her as a pawn. This guest shows up to the dinner table wearing a fur sweater and vintage Prada shoes, toting a container of caviar as his contribution. Refuses to disclose how he afforded any of it.

INTJ: The Unwilling Work Friend

The sole INTJ guest is an office worker who was invited to dinner by the ESFJ, who felt sorry for him because his family lives in Wisconsin. He awkwardly cuts himself some sweet potato casserole while watching the family bicker. He stays around 30 minutes before slipping out of the house with a full plate of food. Then spends the night at home, watching “Scott Pilgrim” for the eighth time.

INTP: The Cool Teenage Cousin

INTP is the “cool” and “aloof” teenage cousin who comes downstairs once (and only once) to grab a plate. She quickly goes back upstairs to eat by herself and watch YouTube commentary on celebrity drama. The younger cousins look up to her with an odd sense of admiration. She means well, but misses social cues. When asked what she is thankful for, she replies, “The Elf jelly pop primer is back in stock.”

ISTP: The Tired, Overworked Father

The ISTP dad wakes up well after his wife begins cooking—this is his only free day until Christmas, and he's going to savor every second. He half-heartedly asks his wife if there is anything he can do to help, and punches the air when she says everything's under control. He spends the day in front of the television, watching football. Says nothing, besides grunting here and there when his team scores a touchdown.

ESTP: The Other Tired Father

Another hardworking husband, the ESTP is best friends with the ISTP for reasons that nobody— least of all them—understands. They find each other like magnets and watch football together. When his wife places beers on the coffee table in front of them, he lets out a “‘Preciate it”, punctuated by a burp. Quickly senses that this was not a particularly sensitive thing to do, and gets up to help her set the table.

ISFP: The Hyperactive, Slightly Sticky, Younger Cousin

ISFP is the hyperactive cousin who asks all the older kids if they’ve started dating anybody yet. When his mother scolds him, he replies with “What? It’s just a question.” Downs two plates of food in 10 minutes and runs upstairs to play games with the other kids. After beating everybody at Just Dance, despite his mother’s suggestion that he let the younger kids win, he proceeds to beat his five year old cousin at Timber, leaving her crying.

INFJ: The Sentimental Grandmother

The eldest and wisest member of the family, INFJ is the grandmother who asks everybody around the table to take turns sharing what they are grateful for. At her turn, she gives a big smile and says, “My wonderful husband.” Is greatly hurt when her husband says, “A roof over our heads”, instead of her. She spends the dinner trying to convince herself that it wasn’t a big deal but keeps retreating to sniffle in the bathroom when nobody's looking. Gets her revenge by sabotaging his diet with leftover pumpkin pie.

ENFJ: The Golden Child

ENFJ is that cousin. The one who was valedictorian of his high school, interned in the White House and secured a full-ride football scholarship to a D1 school. He finds a way to bring all this up at dinner, much to his mother’s pride. His cousins resent him not only because he is the family standard, but because he’s a genuinely nice guy. He even offers to help the INTP study, and the INTP is not a little bit snarky about it.

ENFP: The Holiday Fanatic

This ENFP aunt is so ready for Christmas. After making her family watch A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving the night before Thanksgiving—to really “savor the season”—she completely switches gears. Before the last Tupperware container of gravy is even in the fridge, she is blasting Winter Wonderland on the house speaker. Repeatedly bumps into her family members in her efforts to hang stockings while everyone else is trying to watch the game.

ESFP: The Older Cousin With (*Gasp*) a Girlfriend

A year into his communications major at a state university, ESFP is the favorite cousin. He's saved up money to take the little ones Black Friday shopping. After wearing down all the moms by incessant asking, he convinces them to let him drive them. He piles all the cousins into his car, blaring old Miley Cyrus on the way to the mall. Tells all the littles about his college girlfriend on the way— inspiring lots of “Oooh" and “You liiike her” from them.

INFP: The Dinnertime Mediator

Every year, the INFP mentally prepares themselves to act as the family's mediator. After literally decades of doing this, they're extremely sensitive to everybody’s vibes. They ask the ENFJ about his wildly successful academic career—but deftly switches the subject once the others start rolling their eyes. They support the ENTP’s pyramid scheme out of pity, are the only one to actually help the ISFJ in the kitchen, and make sure to lose Just Dance against the little cousins while elbowing the ISFP to throw the game. Ends the night with a headache and a sense of accomplishment.