5 Ways to (Politely) Make Boundaries Around an Overbearing Boss

We know, you're constantly hearing about how you need to get better at setting boundaries, especially at work where a jerk of a boss can make your life hell.

But how do you actually do it in real life? Let’s look at a few things you can try. 

1. Do It Quietly 

Before you have a big blow up about why your boss needs to stop calling, emailing or texting you after hours, just act as if you already had the conversation. Set what you believe are reasonable boundaries and start living by them. For example, turn off your phone or ignore non-emergency messages once you’re out of the office, and don’t check email. 

Try to leave things as wrapped up as possible at the end of the day to make extra communications less necessary. Then make a point to check any messages early in your workday and get a start on questions or requests, so you’ll show you’re on task as soon as your actual workday begins. 

If they call you out on your lack of response, you can innocently respond with something like: “Oh, my family has a new no cell phones at home policy, so we can spend quality time together,” or “I’ve learned that I work more efficiently if I only answer emails during certain hours, so I didn’t see yours until I came in today.” Then launch into a response to their message or an explanation of what you’ve already started working on. You care about your job—just not enough to be taken advantage of.

Here's another example: suppose you’re constantly expected to stay late, without overtime pay. The boss hasn't made an official request—it's just expected. Stop doing that and slip out at the time you’re supposed to leave, without checking in and giving them a chance to keep you too busy to escape. Try this out on a normal day, not during a crisis that genuinely requires you to stay.

2. Give a Reason in Line with Their Best Interests 

Let’s say your boss keeps expecting you to take on more and more extra work, and doesn’t care that the only way for you to do it all is to sacrifice your own time. You could say something like: “I’m sorry, but I just can’t take on another project right now and keep the same level of quality you count on me for.”

That way, you’ll help them see that they can’t expect you to do the job of three people, all as excellently as your usual level of work. Now, the sacrifice is theirs and not yours, so it’s more likely to matter to them. 

You’re also reminding your boss of what is and isn’t realistic, but relating it to your job performance or something else they’re invested in.

3. Be Clear and Keep Repeating the Boundary

A good way to set new boundaries is to start with a special occasion when you won’t be available for contact after hours, or you absolutely can’t do overtime. Let your boss know ahead of time what to expect so it won’t come as a shock. (Yes, this is the opposite advice as tip 1, but sometimes you have to try out a few things and see what works in your situation.)

For instance, say you’re heading out on vacation and are determined not to make this a working vacation, yet again. You could say something like, “just to remind you, I’ll be on vacation from — until —. My phone will be off much of the time, and all emails will get an out-of-the-office automatic response. If there’s an emergency only I can handle, — will know how to reach me. Otherwise, I’ll see you when I return.” 

Or, “I have a special event this evening, so I’ll have to leave right at —, then I’ll be out of touch until tomorrow. Let me know if you need any project information from me before I leave.”

4. Don’t Play the Expected Role 

Does your boss play on your emotions to bully you into letting them disrespect your boundaries? Step back as an objective observer instead of reacting as you have in the past. Your boss is expecting you to respond the same way you always do, so the goal is to break that pattern.

For example, instead of reacting with guilt, fear or anger, or by saying “yes” when you really want to say “no”, stay calm and reiterate the boundary with a polite smile. If work starts feeling like you’re an actor in a play, then write your own script instead of acting out the one that’s implicitly being handed to you.

If your boss repeatedly fails to get you to play the game, they may give up and try the tactics on someone else. Best case scenario, they’ll realize everyone is happier, less stressed and more productive when they let go of these methods entirely and start treating their employees with respect.  

5. Use Your Personality Type 

If you’ve ever talked about your personality type or traits, such as during your initial interview or a performance review, remind your boss of your type and what that means. Focus on the benefits your personality type brings to your work, then on what you need in order to keep functioning at your best.

Some examples: 

• We’ve talked before about how I’m an introvert and that helps me keep my head down and get more work done in less time. But it also means that having downtime during the evenings and weekends is an absolute must so I can recharge my energy and be at my best when I come back to work.

• As a DISC Support type, I do my best work in the background, helping everyone else on the team to shine. Leading meetings and giving powerpoint presentations (which aren't part of my job description) are not my strong suit. I use my design skills to help make those presentations excel, but I wouldn't be able to do as much in those areas if I had to focus on being the presenter too. 

Summing Up

Setting boundaries with your boss does not have to be confrontational or overly stressful. After all, you don’t want, or need, to have a battle that is likely to end with you either quitting or being fired. Be creative, consistent and logical to show your boss that you’ll actually be better at work with appropriate boundaries in place.

One final piece of advice—think carefully before softening the boundaries you’ve worked hard to put in place.  When things are running smoothly, it may be tempting to give a little and pitch in for an extra project or stay late when it counts. That’s fine and may help your career. Just be sure not to do this too often, which may set unreasonable expectations. Use specific wording, such as, “we’ve agreed that —, but I can see you’re in a bind tonight, so I can (stay an extra hour, be reachable by phone if you have questions, etc.).” Boundaries, once established, should be respected and only changed when truly necessary. Keep this in mind and you’ll have a happier boss, healthier work-life balance, and a more successful career.