7 Tips to Manage Conflict as an INFJ—the Pacifists of the Myers and Briggs Personality Types

INFJs may be good at many things, but dealing with conflict is certainly not our forte. If there’s one thing this personality type dislikes, it's the idea of having to confront someone, even when it's beyond necessary.  The prospect of hashing it out with someone over a disagreement or misunderstanding, can be deeply unsettling for this most harmonious and peace-seeking of the 16 Myers and Briggs personality types. 

As natural diplomats, INFJs will often go to great lengths to circumvent discord and disagreements, believing that harmony should prevail without the need for argument. In our harmony-seeking minds, everything should be solved without the need to argue. So when conflict arises, an INFJ will become very uncomfortable and probably sweep it under the carpet, ignore it and hope it never comes up again. When unavoidable conflicts inevitably do arise, it can trigger intense discomfort in INFJs, leading them to adopt avoidance strategies, such as dismissing the issue outright or just hoping it resolves itself without direct intervention.

This aversion to conflict can stem from various aspects of the INFJ personality. Their strong sense of empathy makes them acutely aware of others' feelings, and they may fear that confrontation could cause hurt or damage relationships. Additionally, their preference for harmony and their idealistic vision of peaceful coexistence can make conflict feel like a personal failure. The cognitive functions associated with INFJs, such as Introverted Intuition and Extroverted Feeling, can also contribute to their conflict avoidance tendencies.

While avoidance may seem like the easiest path in the short term for INFJs, it can lead to unresolved issues, simmering resentments and a breakdown of communication. For INFJs to navigate conflict healthily, it is crucial to develop strategies that acknowledge their discomfort while promoting open and respectful communication. 

Any of this sounding familiar? If so, read on to discover our best tips to help INFJs manage conflict in a healthier way.

Why do INFJs avoid conflict?

So, why do INFJs avoid conflict in the first place? Well, you could say it boils down to Extraverted Feeling (Fe)—an INFJ’s auxiliary function. This function orients them towards the external world, where they prioritize harmony and positive relationships. Their decisions are often influenced by how their actions might impact others' feelings and the overall atmosphere.

As Fe users, INFJ personalities tend to make decisions based on how their feelings will affect their environment and relationships. INFJs are deeply attuned to the emotional states of those around them and place a high value on maintaining a harmonious environment. They see conflict as a potential disruptor of this harmony, fearing that disagreements could lead to hurt feelings, damaged relationships and a breakdown of the peace they so dearly cherish. In short, as INFJs prize group harmony, we do our best to avoid any disruption that might put that harmony or our relationships at risk. Most of the time, we fear that by disagreeing with someone, we might hurt that person’s feelings and destroy the harmony we so deeply value. 

In addition, because INFJs usually tune into other people’s emotions, we can’t help but notice when someone is getting angry or frustrated in a conversation. Witnessing that emotional instability may lead a caring INFJ to get unstable as well, so we prefer to not even start arguing in the first place. This prospect of causing discord or upsetting others, is often enough to deter an INFJ from engaging in conflict. They may worry that expressing their own needs or opinions could be perceived as selfish or insensitive, leading them to suppress their own feelings in favor of maintaining a peaceful facade.  Additionally, because INFJs are so highly empathetic and sensitive to the emotions of others, it can lead to a phenomenon known as emotional contagion, where the INFJ absorbs and experiences the feelings of those around them. Witnessing anger, frustration or other negative emotions in a conflict situation can be overwhelming for an INFJ, causing them to feel emotionally unstable and anxious. This heightened sensitivity further reinforces their aversion to conflict.

Beyond the influence of Fe, other factors may contribute to an INFJ's conflict avoidance:

• Desire for Approval: INFJs often seek validation and acceptance from others. They may fear that expressing disagreement could lead to rejection or disapproval, further fueling their avoidance of conflict.
• Internal Conflict: INFJs can be deeply introspective and self-critical. They may internalize conflict, replaying conversations and analyzing their actions, leading to heightened anxiety and a reluctance to engage in future disagreements.
• Perfectionism: INFJs often have high standards for themselves and others. They may avoid conflict because they fear making mistakes or saying the wrong thing, which could damage their self-image or their relationships.

While conflict avoidance can be a protective mechanism for INFJs, it can also have negative consequences. Suppressing their own needs and opinions can lead to resentment, feelings of inauthenticity and strained relationships. Finding healthy ways to express themselves and navigate conflict is crucial for INFJs to maintain their well-being and build fulfilling connections with others.

Here are seven things INFJs can do to overcome their fear of conflict.

1. See conflict as growth, not failure

Often as an INFJ, you think that all conflicts emerge because you failed to prevent them in some way. What you may be overlooking is the fact that conflict is actually a natural part of having a relationship. There are no relationships that remain entirely conflict free. It is just not possible. As an INFJ, it is helpful to keep in mind that disagreements in relationships are likely never all one person's fault. 

Above all it is important to remind your INFJ self that conflict can serve a useful, even essential, purpose. Sometimes you have to confront people so your relationship with them can flourish and you can both reach a new understanding. It’s an opportunity for growth. So, instead of indulging in feelings of guilt, try to accept conflict as a healthy part of life. 

2. Use your empathy to listen

INFJs can truly be walking paradoxes. We fear conflict and run away from it, even though we’re naturally equipped with one of the best qualities to deal with it: empathetic listening. True to their Counselor nature, INFJs care deeply about others and are brilliant listeners, so why don’t we use these traits to our advantage?

During a heated discussion, you can use your empathetic skills to turn the situation around and listen without judgement. In reality, most of the time, what we need to start moving on from conflict is validation. By offering emotional support and an open ear, you acknowledge that the other person’s feelings are valid, and that can make a whole world of a difference.

3. Don’t take everything personally

INFJs are not only highly critical of themselves, but we’re also very sensitive to what others say of us. As an INFJ myself, I know that not taking things personally can be a real challenge. While the logical side in me knows that everyone gets agitated now and then, the emotional side of me gets offended and shuts down. We’re Feelers, after all.

The solution? Simple, even if counterintuitive—detach yourself from the situation. Think about how others would view the situation from 30,000 feet. If you maintain that distance and a calming posture, you'll be able to more clearly see that not everything constitutes a personal attack. Chances are that if you can distance yourself and remind yourself to not take things personally, you’ll be able to have a much more productive conversation.

4. Stand up for yourself

On the other end of the spectrum, sometimes you need to know when to stand up for yourself during conflict. More often than not, INFJs get drained during an argument, so we either rush for closure too quickly—just to put an end to the fight—or we shut down, and start feeling resentful towards the other person.

What’s more, as Fe users, INFJ types can also be prey to toxic people. That’s why it’s crucial to remember that it is both valid, and healthy, to set boundaries. You can say no, and you can reassert yourself when someone pushes their opinions on you (yes, really!).  This is a muscle, and the more you practice setting necessary boundaries around people-pleasing, the better you'll get at it. 

As much as INFJs value harmony, we also need to value our integrity and let our voice be heard. Continuing to please others, even when you’re feeling resentful, will only fuel internal disharmony.

5. Talk when you’re calm

INFJs are very perceptive of other people’s emotions, which can be useful during a confrontational conversation. While remaining calm usually allows for active listening and a deeper understanding, sometimes both parties get too emotionally invested to keep their cool.

What to do then? If you sense that the other party is overly emotional, deferring the conflict resolution for later may be a smart move. You’re not actually avoiding talking about the topic at hand. Instead, you’re telling the other person that you care about resolving the issue with them. So much so, that you’re postponing the resolution for a time when both of you have processed things better.

In addition, if you feel unsafe, or sense that the other person is being abusive, step away. It’s completely valid to remove yourself from a potentially harmful situation. In this scenario, you’re not actually avoiding conflict, but protecting yourself.

6. Notice when you’re shutting down

It’s no secret that INFJs have a hard time dealing with criticism, especially when someone has an opinion that goes against our values or beliefs. Instead of remaining open, and trying to understand that there are different points of view, our natural tendency is to shut down, and stop listening.

What can you do to change this behavior? A key strategy is to be mindful during tumultuous conversations. By being aware of your emotions and thoughts during a confrontational situation, you can choose to remain open and listen, instead of dismissing the other person, or having an immediate negative reaction.

In addition, be aware that shutting down a conflict before coming to a resolution may hurt both parties involved. You may feel attacked because someone questioned your values, but the other person might feel completely alienated by seeing you walk away.

7. Focus on one issue at a time

The intensely focused INFJ personality can have a chaotic mind and we often exist in multitask mode. Like magpies, INFJs are attracted to shiny objects—ideas, projects and causes—that capture our imagination and ignite our passions. However, we are also acutely aware of how the world works, as well as our responsibilities and obligations which we feel a strong sense of duty to fulfill. This internal struggle can be further complicated by INFJs' tendency to overthink and analyze every possible option. We can spend hours weighing the pros and cons of each task, considering its potential impact on their long-term goals and values.

Yet, while most days I can deal with having too many tabs open on my brain, it can also be a little too much. Particularly so, when you’re facing a conflicting situation with another person. All the pros and cons and opposing arguments are rushing through your brain and it becomes overwhelming to muster a coherent thought or focus. 

My advice? If you have several issues to discuss with someone, focus on dealing with them one at a time. Trying to manage all problems at once can be, not only confusing, but also damaging to the mentally exhausted INFJ. Just break down the disagreements or the points one at a time, and proceed. 

The bottom line

Most INFJs are naturally conflict averse, as engaging in conflict threatens their Fe values of group harmony and stability.  What INFJs often fail to see is that conflict can actually serve a purpose and help you grow as an individual and in your relationships with others. Disagreements can initiate truly positive change and growth with friends, partners and co-workers. INFJs just need to remember that conflict is a natural part of human interaction. By developing healthy conflict resolution skills, INFJs can not only manage disagreements effectively but also deepen their relationships and foster greater understanding.

So next time you feel like avoiding conflict like the plague, lean in and use one of the tips above. Good luck!