Can Mindfulness Make You a Worse Person?

At some point, every wellness practice starts to get pushback. Yoga, for instance, has faced criticism for cultural appropriation, while the clean eating movement has been scrutinized for promoting an unhealthy obsession with food choices.

Recently, mindfulness has come under fire. Some critics say that it takes away the guilt that prompts you to right a wrong you've committed, or it encourages selfishness and apathy toward others as you focus on your own needs instead of those of friends and loved ones.

But is this true? Can mindfulness actually make you a worse person or is it all a misunderstanding?

The Misinterpretation of Mindfulness

To answer this question, we must first understand what mindfulness truly is. Mindfulness is about being present in the moment and fully acknowledging one's thoughts and feelings without judgment. It encourages you to be more aware of your own actions and how they affect others. Mindfulness doesn’t get rid of guilt— it helps you observe it, however it takes shape, without  becoming overly attached to it.

In other words, you are not trying to remove guilt with mindfulness, but to render it powerless to do harm.

The way it works is that mindfulness zeroes in on the behavior and takes the focus off your sense of self. It separates who you are from what you did. It’s much easier to see yourself objectively from a neutral place where guilt has lost its sting. 

Why Guilt Doesn’t Work

When people say that mindfulness takes away the guilt, they're working from the assumption that feeling guilty is helpful or productive because it can lead people to apologize for an offense.  This is not always the case. In fact, guilt can be a destructive emotion. When people think about how they have wronged a friend or a loved one, they're often looking for something more than a clean conscience.

Think about it.  What do you really want when you apologize to someone we have harmed? You want to reestablish that connection and restore your relationship. Guilt isn’t enough to make that happen. Guilt won’t help you reach your true goal.

So what can right a wrong and restore the warmth and closeness in our relationships? 

It’s often better, and more helpful for everyone, to feel empathy than to be bogged down with guilt. In other words, instead of feeling negative about ourselves, it’s better to understand and feel the feelings of the other person. 

Here are five reasons empathy is a better motivator than guilt:

#1: Guilt fosters resentment while empathy nurtures relationships.

When you experience guilt and see yourself as the bad guy, there may be an unexpected result brewing just under the surface. You may eventually feel resentment, meaning you have trouble moving on and resent the person who made you feel bad about yourself.

On the other hand, when you practice empathy, you understand how our actions or words have affected others and can take steps to make things right without feeling like we are being unfairly accused or judged. This will safeguard your most treasured relationships instead of creating a wall you may never break down.

#2:  Guilt destroys your self-esteem while empathy preserves it. 

 The emotion of guilt attacks our sense of self and makes us the villain. It says, “You are good and I am bad.”  This leads to other negative emotions like guilt’s sinister sibling, shame, which can falsely convince you that you are flawed. And without enough self-awareness, you will allow this assault to go on until it scars your self-image.

Empathy, as developed with mindfulness, is not limited to others but also fosters compassion for yourself. It says, “I am good and you are good.” Mindfulness teaches us to be quiet enough to hear that inner voice that whispers the truth—that each of us is worthy of empathy and compassion, especially from ourselves.

#3: Guilt leads to isolation while empathy leads to connectedness.

Guilt may lead us to apologize but it just as often causes us to avoid the things that make us feel guilty. We may compartmentalize our feelings so we don’t have to face them. We may avoid someone or pretend we feel nothing, or we may simply become distant and unavailable. All of these are forms of self-isolation.

Empathy has the opposite effect. Understanding and sharing the feelings of others is the super glue that connects us with other people. These connections are what most of us truly want whether we know it or not.

#4: Guilt is self-focused while empathy is focused on others.

When you feel guilt, you may think it’s because you are putting someone else before ourselves. But think about this for a minute—where is your focus? Guilt brings self-criticism, negative self-talk and low self-esteem.  And which word did you see repeated in that last sentence?  That’s right, the word self.  When you are mired in guilt you’re really thinking of one person—yourself.

Empathy takes the focus off you and puts it on another person. It's directed outward rather than inward, which can lead to a healthier and more positive mindset.

#5: Guilt is stagnant while empathy leads to growth and change.

Guilt is a burden that rehashes the past and offers no long-term solutions.  You can’t change what has already happened, so guilt is not helpful for anyone. And if someone you know takes pleasure in your guilt instead of wanting real change, you might want to re-think whether you want that person in your life.

Focusing on the present moment, as taught by mindfulness, will help you to develop empathy as you navigate your own feelings, and the feelings of someone else as they occur now. As you go through this process you ask the questions, “how does this person feel now about what happened?” and “what does this person want in terms of change?” Without guilt, you are emotionally free to see objective, and more useful solutions.

Mindfulness Can Make You a Better Person, Not a Guiltier One

Remember the airline assistant's speech before takeoff: “In case of emergency, place the oxygen mask on yourself first before helping others”? They say this because people are more helpful to others when their own needs are met.  The same applies to mindfulness. Practiced properly, mindfulness teaches you how to put your mask on first, so that you are capable and calm enough to help others in need. 

So instead of beating yourself up with guilt, try understanding the other person's perspective and offering compassion. It may just make you a better person in the long run.