The Dark INFJ Soulmate Obsession of Joe Goldberg From You

Joe Goldberg is the charming, love-sick bookstore manager from the TV show “You.” He’s also a serial killer and stalker who obsessively inserts himself into the lives of the women he becomes fixated on, going to extreme lengths to control and possess them.

I’m not going to discuss Joe’s psychosis, he’s obviously got issues.

I am going to discuss the INFJ personality that shines through the insanity. More specifically, that Joe is a classic villainous example of an INFJ desperately seeking his soulmate, so much so that he would literally kill to have her. 

For those of us who enjoy type theory, Joe’s character is riveting. This man is sharply intuitive. He spots people’s motivations with precision, yet he’s unaware of his own delusions. And while he understands and relates to the experiences of others on a deep level, he can’t extend this empathy when he’s isolating, kidnapping and abusing them. So let’s talk about that! 

Who is the Real Joe? 

It’s not hard to spot Joe’s INFJ traits. We hear his inner voice narrating, observing and analyzing people around him while he’s managing the bookstore. He gobbles up classic literature and reads people like, well, a book. You know that INFJ stare, the far off, zombie look that goes right through you because it’s penetrating your soul and spilling your secrets? Yeah, that’s Joe.  

And you know how INFJs champion the underdog? Joe cares about struggling kids so when he kills Paco’s abusive stepdad, we’re not mad. Because that guy was a jerk.  And we want to excuse the rest of Joe’s devilry, but he murders innocent people as well as abusive ones, so there’s that.  

Still, sometimes Joe will say something that’s almost right if we look at it sideways long enough. For instance, “Sometimes, we do bad things for the people we love. It doesn't mean it's right; it means love is more important.” Aw sounds like poetry to me. No wait, it’s wrong Joe, dammit.  

But if you want to sum Joe up, here’s what season two’s love interest says when she gifts him Didion’s novel Play It As It Lays: “I thought about getting you something happy but, let’s face it, what you’re more interested in is something ... smart and complex. A little ... dark. Right? That’s what makes you feel at home.” INFJ much? 

Truth is, if INFJs are not careful, we may find ourselves rooting for Joe in those sweetly vulnerable moments when he believes “to love is to risk everything.” Joe privately searches the universe for answers to the one question that plagues him—how can he love, be loved, and keep his soulmate? Every INFJ can relate to that. 

The Intense World of the INFJ 

INFJs have specific needs. The two at the top are a clear sense of purpose and deep human connection. Both of these needs are intense—the INFJ cannot live a shallow life; we need meaning and purpose in our goals. When it comes to the ideal relationship, we want the kind that takes you to the moon and back. We need eternity.  

Now add to that the Judging part of the INFJ personality which drives our need to “complete” anything we start. It’s not enough to have meaning in our lives, we want to have the most meaningful of meanings. And it’s not enough to have found love. Only the love of the ages will do. This is what  “arriving” looks like for the INFJ, and the problem is it rarely happens. We are continually searching for answers that we believe are there if only we dig a bit deeper, and we never stop digging.  

What does this mean for Joe? He conflates these two profound INFJ needs by making his soulmate his life’s purpose. By doing this, he creates for himself a pressure cooker with no relief valve. INFJs are superheroes, but this is too much for anyone. Joe’s sense of reality shatters and he falls victim to his own INFJ weak spots, and they take him over the top. 

INFJ Weaknesses Run Amok in Joe 

Every evolving INFJ should be on the lookout for the parts of their personality that give them trouble. But Joe is focused on one thing and it isn’t personal growth—it’s finding “the one” who will understand him and see him for who he is, giving unconditional love and acceptance even with the knowledge that he has a little villainy problem.  

But hey, doesn't everyone want that? So what if Joe is a romantic, a devoted boyfriend who gives himself completely to his partner’s happiness and drinks in their presence every moment of every day (if only in his mind)? Who wouldn’t want to reciprocate that? Joe asks these questions as he descends into a black fantasy that highlights his INFJ weaknesses gone rogue, and where Joe’s INFJ door slam looks a lot like murder. 

Here are six INFJ challenges that set the stage for Joe’s descent into darkness: 

#1: Unrealistic Expectations  

Joe is highly idealistic and obsessed with perfection. In unhealthy INFJs, this can lead to grave disappointment when they realize the world—and people—are not perfect. Joe is off-the-charts devastated when he realizes that his beloved can’t deliver the happily-ever-after of his dreams. He projects onto another guy, “You create the problem, when you assume this stuff, when you treat her like trash, You cast her in a role that isn’t her, and you trap her in it.” 

INFJs sometimes love someone for who they want them to be and not who they are, and Joe tells himself the opposite of the truth: “I don’t fantasize to some impossible version of a woman I barely know.” Umm Joe, yeah you do.  

#2: Feeling Resentment 

Be honest INFJs, have you ever had that after-all-I’ve-done-for-you feeling when you’ve given more than you’ve received and you can’t understand the selfishness of some people? INFJs have a people-pleasing nature, and if the ones we want to please don’t appreciate our kindness, we can feel resentment. 

Joe is excessively “caring” for the lucky gal who catches his eye, and he is hurt when she doesn’t respond in kind. More like annihilated. Joe reasons that he would do anything for you, anything at all, so why don’t you appreciate him? After all, didn’t he bash the skull of that idiot who was using you? Joe isn’t going off the deep end, you just don’t see how hard he tries to take care of you. Poor Joe.  

#3: Being Judgmental  

INFJs can sometimes feel superior to others, especially when they find out that they are the rarest personality type in the 16-type system. We often feel different, and we sometimes equate this with “better.” Joe’s ego invalidates others with his arsenal of snark and finally dehumanizes them with assorted forms of wickedness. Feeling self-righteous can help when you need a reason to lock someone up in a small, glass room. 

In Joe’s mind, his victim was just not capable of understanding Joe’s good heart and how much he was trying to protect them. So sad, no other way around it—he didn’t want to kill them but he had to, because then he would be free to find the one that really gets him. I told you ... nuts.  

#4: Taking Things Too Personally 

Sometimes INFJs take things too personally because we are sensitive people. Don’t worry, I won’t tell you you’re “too” sensitive. I hate that. Your sensitivity is something to be cherished and protected. But when we are unhealthy, our sensitivity can keep us from seeing the big picture, and it’s a shame for an INFJ to miss out on that visionary magic. 

It’s the same with Joe—he had to hyperfocus on each tree and missed the majestic forest because he was obsessed with every small reaction from others. To be fair, he had to be. Because how else would he know what the officer is thinking, and whether he heard the thump of that body in the trunk as Joe pulled over. Geez Joe, I  wish you would stop that.  

#5: Setting Boundaries 

You’ve heard this before, my INFJ friends, that we have issues with boundaries. Sometimes we just can’t say ‘no’ to people who want our help because we can’t stand to see disappointment in someone else’s eyes. But did you know we can invade the boundaries of others when we are unhealthy? We call it the “savior complex,” and it happens when our identity is wrapped up in rescuing others. 

Joe’s need to do what is “best” for his soulmate keeps him on the wrong side of personal boundaries, sometimes with handcuffs: “The first step to fixing something is to know no matter how destroyed it seems, it can always be saved.” No Joe, she is not yours to fix. Get it together,  man.

#6: Acting Impulsively 

Here’s the corker. You know that thing we call “being in the grip” of your inferior function? It happens when we use our least favorite cognitive function in place of our first favorite. For INFJs, this means we are in the “grip” of Extraverted Sensing (Se) while abandoning our preferred function, Introverted  Intuition (Ni). 

Since these two mental processes are opposites, this experience can feel like an alien is controlling our bodies—no wonder Joe felt like there was a monster inside him. His “grip” experience became a flurry of outward, sensory activities, such as spying with a telescope, ransacking someone’s private residence or rushing the finishing touches on a new glass cage. Those experiences devolved into killing and carnage, and Joe never learned that his moral compass still existed somewhere down in those dark depths of his Ni and perhaps, I like to imagine, could have saved him.  

Why oh why, Joe, didn’t you take the Myers & Briggs assessment in that college psychology class?