The EQ Reality Check: What Managers Are (Still) Getting Wrong About Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence has become a hot topic in workplaces, but there’s still a lot of confusion about what it is. Managers in particular still get some key things wrong about EQ, often believing it’s only about “feeling for others” (empathy). Those misconceptions can lead to serious consequences, such as hiring wrong candidates, overlooking high-potential employees for promotion, or placing individuals in roles they aren’t emotionally equipped to handle. 

So let’s talk about what modern managers are (still) getting wrong about EQ. 

MYTH: Extraverts Have Higher EQ Than Introverts

Reality: Socially confident people can have low EQ, and vice versa

A lot of people conflate being emotionally intelligent with being confident, charming or sociable. The assumption is that if someone is bubbly, charismatic and sure of themselves in social situations, they must have high EQ. Because how else could they be so likeable?

In reality, EQ has nothing at all to do with being sociable, outgoing or loud. In fact, someone can be great at small talk, shine in networking situations, and generally come across as a very extraverted person, and yet struggle at one or more of the five facets of EQ. For example, they might: 

• Have difficulty tuning into their own emotions (low self-awareness). 
• Fly off the handle, or struggle to stay calm under pressure (low emotional control).
• Talk ‘at’ people rather than genuinely listening to them and understanding them (low empathy). 
• Miss the wider, nonverbal signals that someone is uncomfortable (low other awareness).

Research backs this up. One study found that while being extraverted can help people land leadership roles, it doesn’t automatically make them good people leaders. According to Ronald E. Riggio, a Professor of Leadership and Organizational Psychology, extraversion provides “social energy,” but without the emotional intelligence skills to channel it, that energy doesn’t translate into social effectiveness. 

On the flip side, introverts can navigate social interactions successfully too, just in a quieter, more low-key way. It doesn’t make them any more or less capable across the EQ facets, because social confidence and EQ are different things.

MYTH: ‘Nice’ People Have High EQ

Reality: Sometimes, the high EQ response is the opposite of ‘nice.’

People who score highly across the five EQ factors may well be nice people, but their emotional intelligence is only one part of the reason why they’re likable. The logic here usually goes: if someone is kind, easy to talk to and cooperative, then they must have high EQ, right? Because how else could they get along so well with everyone?

But in reality, ‘niceness’ has more to do with personality traits like Agreeableness in the Big Five system, whereas EQ is about understanding your own and others’ emotions to achieve positive outcomes. Sometimes that might look like “niceness,” but other times it requires being critical and unapologetic. As Daniel Goleman, the father of modern EQ said: “At strategic moments, it [EQ] may demand not “being nice”, but rather, for example, bluntly confronting someone with an uncomfortable but consequential truth they’ve been avoiding.”

Being honest and setting boundaries, even if others don’t like them, could be as much a sign of high EQ as being ‘nice.’

MYTH: EQ Is Just About Empathy

Reality: Empathy is only one facet of EQ, and it won’t get you far on its own.

According to leadership development consultant Cicely Simpson, 70% of leaders confuse empathy with emotional intelligence. But empathy is only one of five EQ components. And empathy on its own won’t get you very far in the workplace.

Think about it: what good is empathy if you lack self-awareness or emotional control? A manager might go out of her way to listen to the team’s struggles and empathize when someone’s having a hard time, but empathy alone won’t help her make tough decisions, like reassigning workloads or confronting poor performance. Those situations need a full suite of EQ skills. If those other skills are lacking, high empathy can actually become dangerous, since you might absorb someone else’s stress or frustration and respond emotionally yourself.

When Truity set out to understand the relationship between a person’s emotional intelligence and their career performance, the data showed empathy was less represented among leaders at the top of the career ladder. Other components of EQ, notably other awareness and emotional control, were more positively associated with someone’s career progression and how much they earned. So, it’s not all about empathy, or even mostly about empathy. EQ is more nuanced than that.

MYTH: You Either Have EQ OR You Don’t

Reality: Emotional intelligence can be learned

There’s a persistent myth that EQ is a fixed trait that can’t be improved. People often see creativity the same way – as a gift you’re either born with or you’re not. But just as creativity can be developed through learning and practice, EQ can be improved through intentional effort and strategies designed to hone these skills. 

For example, this study found that empathy can be improved through active listening practice, and this one found that daily “working memory” exercises can increase a person’s emotional control. You don’t have to commit to hours of practice, either. Noticeable improvements can be achieved in as little as 10 minutes a day.

MYTH: EQ Is Overrated

Reality: Emotional intelligence contributes positively to work performance and leadership outcomes, but the best results happen when it is balanced with other skills.

As hiring statistics show, many managers still prioritize credentials and years of experience over soft skills like EQ when evaluating talent. Studies suggest that psychological and emotional competencies (negotiation skills, resilience, flexibility etc) rank lowest on managers’ priority lists, behind technical skills and other soft skills such as problem-solving. Many leaders treat EQ as a ‘nice-to-have’ rather than a core requirement for success.

Yet research consistently shows that employees with high EQ perform better, advance further and earn more. High EQ is linked to improved teamwork, stronger leadership, higher job satisfaction and healthier workplace relationships. Is EQ a magic bullet, and are we underestimating its impact?

The truth lies somewhere in the middle. As Daniel Goleman explains in this essay, studies show that IQ accounts for 10-20% of career success, but that doesn’t mean EQ accounts for the other 80%. “That, as I’ve pointed out, leaves room for a wide range of other factors — everything from the family or social status you’re born into, to luck, to emotional intelligence, to name but a few. But people seem to jump to the conclusion that EQ alone makes up that 80% gap — and it does not,” he writes.

There’s no doubt EQ offers a real advantage, but we should neither over- nor under-rate its value. It is one of many skills and qualities that  contribute to professional success, and works best as part of a wider toolkit.