Everyone is Setting Boundaries. But Are They The Right Ones for Your Personality Type?

You can’t click on a link or scroll through a social media feed nowadays without coming across an article on boundaries. Everyone seems to be setting them, and everyone understands that boundaries—setting them, enforcing them—are key to taking care of yourself.

Personal boundaries help us state what we are willing to accept and what we are not. They are necessary because they allow us to maintain our sense of self and protect us from being taken advantage of or hurt by others. Boundaries help us live our best life.

But what is your best life exactly? I guarantee it looks different to that of your friend or neighbor. So it follows that the boundaries you use to shape your own happiness will look different as well. We all set boundaries differently and for different reasons.

So What Are Boundaries Exactly?

If we take the word boundary on its face, we know we use it when we want to keep something “out.” This often means keeping out the needs of others in order to discover and honor our own needs.

It’s the line we draw to separate what is good for us from what is not.

So, we can define boundaries as the parameters we set around our own happiness and well-being. It's the barrier between what we decide is good and what is bad, what is acceptable and not acceptable, in our relationships, careers and lives in general.

For our purposes here let’s narrow it down: Boundaries are what separates our own needs from those of others so that we can prioritize our best life. And while some folks may have a greater need for defined boundaries, others may thrive with more flexible boundaries. If personality theory has taught us anything it’s that we are all different, and so our boundaries, and the use of them, will be different as well.

Boundaries and The Four Temperaments

A useful lens for understanding the different ways that people use boundaries is Dr. David Keirsey’s Temperament model. The Temperaments are four groups of personalities that have common, observable traits, focusing on how people behave and communicate. Using this system makes it easy to see the differences in people as they set their boundaries because it shows us what people actually do and say.

While the four names that Keirsey gave the Temperaments are still commonly used, their meaning can be a little confusing. For simplicity’s sake, Truity has updated the names to make them more accessible and easy to understand.

Let’s jump into each Temperament and talk about boundaries!

Empaths: The Big Picture Focus

Empaths (Keirsey Idealists; Myers and Briggs Intuitive-Feeling (NF) types) are the unifiers of society. They encourage people to see the best in themselves and in others, and empower people from all walks of life to tap into their full potential.

Idealists at heart—Keirsey’s name for this group—Empaths seek to make the world a better place for everyone and encourage people to work together. Meaning in life is paramount for Empaths, and they never stop looking for it, ever. Family and friends look to Empaths when they need depth, and a good, caring listener. “Dare to dream” is their mantra as they focus on bringing goodness to the world.

How Empaths use boundaries

Empaths use boundaries to protect human connections. For example, they  may set boundaries around their time and energy, making sure they have enough left over to nurture the relationships that are most important to them. They also use boundaries to protect themselves from the values of other people that do not align with their own.

These boundaries can be quite pliable, however. Empaths seek ways to compromise instead of enforcing rules, and they often are anxious around conflict. This means they change or bend their boundaries to suit the person or the situation. They are capable of both standing firm in their convictions and changing their minds quietly for the benefit of others, which can be confusing for people whose boundaries are more firm.

An example

I once worked at a State Historic Park creating educational programs for the public. Even though I didn’t know about personality theory at the time, I could clearly see that different people had different ideas about what was important for each event.

Empaths protected the general “vibe” of the event. They wanted everyone to connect and work together to give the public a memorable, feel-good experience. But they sometimes had unrealistic expectations that were impractical and annoying to others. They also crossed the boundaries of others in a well-meaning attempt to give unsolicited help or advice.  I remember the eye-rolling of those who were tired of the Empaths “helping” when others didn’t find it helpful at all!

Theorists: The Clear Picture Focus

Theorists  (Keirsey Rationals, Myers and Briggs Intuitive Thinkers (NT) types) are the knowledge seekers of society, navigating the world by trying to understand it.  Highly pragmatic, they seek out new, abstract concepts to engage, dissect and apply to the world’s problems. Theorists will analyze an idea until they can use it in some practical way. They are strategically rational in their approach to almost everything, even in their personal lives. “Seek first to understand…” is their mantra, as they are always learning.

How Theorists use boundaries

Theorists use boundaries to establish clarity. They do this by standing on their own to engage their world of ideas, and they will set a boundary with you if you threaten their independence. They need to explore the world of the abstract for as long as it takes to gain clarity—without apology. People’s feelings take a back seat to the Theorist's pursuit of a crystal-clear picture of an idea or problem. When a Theorist draws their line in the sand, others can see them as, well, a jerk, because they defend their boundaries so fiercely.

An example

In our Historic Park example, my Theorist friends protected the wonder of "teachable moments." They were wholly focused on new ways to help the public understand the importance of history and how it impacts us today. 

When someone threatened that, the Theorists in the group became detached and unresponsive. They sometimes appeared unsympathetic to those of us who wanted them to step back into more conventional ways of thinking. And sometimes, in the break room, they were known as snobs and insensitive to others. They weren't of course—only in the service of a mental model that contradicted what others believed about the purpose of the event.

Preservers: The Familiar Picture Focus

Preservers (Keirsey Guardians; Myers and Briggs Sensing-Judging (SJ) types) are the pillars of society. They are hard workers who value order, and they structure their time to meet deadlines because they hate to be late! They are loyal rule followers and you can depend on them to fulfill their responsibilities at work and in their personal lives.  When they are in charge, their communities are stable and conform to the familiar codes of the tried and true. “Steady as she goes” is their mantra as they focus on the details and seek balance.

How Preservers use Boundaries

Preservers use boundaries to maintain the status quo. Since they do not like change, they are sticklers for following the established rules that they believe uphold the common good.  They will resist you if you are demanding too much change and will draw a firm line in the sand if you try to interfere with their sense of duty. They take care of others through careful, meticulous planning. 

An example

In the Park, Preservers protected the smooth running of the event. They were the ones ensuring its structure and timeline were carefully planned and implemented, just as they were in years past. But as they dug into their tried-and-true conventions, their boundaries with others became quite rigid. They appeared harsh and controlling at times as they tried to maintain park traditions they saw as essential for everyone involved. Under stress, our Preservers could be mean! And many of us avoided them during an event. 

Responders: The Fun Picture Focus

Responders (Keirsey Artisans; Myers and Briggs Sensing-Perceiving (SP) types) are the explorers of society, focusing on what’s concrete and right in front of them. They need fun, excitement and stimulation, and prioritize freedom to follow their impulses over rules. These types often find unconventional and even dangerous endeavors exciting.  “Tomorrow is not for today” is their mantra as they obey their drive to be in the here and now.

How Responders Use Boundaries

Responders use boundaries to protect their freedom. They don’t hesitate to remove any wet blanket that threatens their party, and if you get in the way of their adventure, they just may run over you. They demand the freedom to do what they wish in the moment, and go where the energy flows, so they will put their foot down if you try to stop them! Responders can be very generous, but they will set boundaries with anyone who tries to confine them.

An example

Back in the Park, Responders protected the rich, sensory experiences we provided to everyone who came. They made sure the public was entertained and had as much fun as we did. 

But as the Responders in the park prioritized in-the-moment experiences, their need for immediacy sometimes appeared selfish and careless to others. They had a low tolerance for boredom and assumed the public would be as impatient as they were. They were always after the highly stimulating when other groups preferred a more methodical approach, and they sometimes came across to us as, well, a bit nuts! 

Boundaries are as Varied as Personalities

So go ahead, draw your line in the sand, but remember, it won’t look like everyone else’s line. Boundaries are just a way we all stay happy and true to ourselves, and we all do it differently. Diverse perspectives and experiences create healthy societies, so when a friend sets a boundary with you that you don’t understand, try seeing them through the lens of Temperament. It will help you understand their motivations and appreciate the wonderful differences between you.