Is Gentle Parenting Too Soft For Your Child’s Personality?
Gentle parenting has become all the rage in some circles, and there are plenty of child developmental specialists who swear by its methods and philosophy.
If you’re not familiar with gentle parenting, to a large extent, it functions exactly like it sounds. Kids are to be treated gently and with empathy and understanding at all times, whether they’re behaving like angels or throwing a tantrum in public.
The more traditional approach to parenting embraces the use of words like ‘no,’ ‘stop,’ or ‘don’t.’ At least in some circumstances, parents set the rules and insist on those rules being obeyed without any debate.
The "gentle" parent, on the other hand, rejects the use of these words. Instead, they try to understand the emotions that lead to their child’s misbehavior and, through calm discussion, help the child understand them as well. The idea is to help the child become more self-aware and able to regulate their emotions the next time. The reasoning behind this is that poor behavior is often a reaction to anxiety and stress, and if you can identify the source of the anxiety, the parent and child can work on fixing it together.
While gentle parenting is growing in popularity, it has many critics.
Most of them acknowledge that, yes, it is important to understand a child’s emotions and not react in a harsh or dictatorial manner when dealing with a vulnerable human being who still has a lot to learn about the world. But at the same time, there is such a thing as being too gentle for a child’s own good. And, like most parenting approaches, it probably is not right for 100% of children, 100% of the time.
Here's what the critics say are the possible downsides to gentle parenting. You may want to consider these before you make the decision to exclusively adopt this parenting style for your own child.
Gentle Parenting is One Dimensional
While it is very difficult to type young children with any degree of accuracy, every parent learns very quickly that children are not all the same. A parenting approach that works for one child will be useless with another. Some personalities require more structure and a firmer hand than the gentle parenting methodology can provide—these children need to have fixed rules with consequences that are clearly spelled out to them, or they can feel unstable.
In particular, if you have a child who is destined to grow up with a preference for Sensing (S) over Intuition (N) and Judging (J) over Perceiving (P) (ESTJ, ESFJ, ISTJ or ISFJ) a consistent and disciplined approach with rules and expectations will make them feel less anxious, not more. There is certainly nothing wrong with explaining the reasoning behind the rules, but children like this may get anxious if you leave them to figure it out for themselves.
Gentle Parenting Places Too Much Emphasis on Feelings
The traditional discipline-centered approach to raising a child can sometimes be too inflexible as it is focused more on behavior and rules than on what children are thinking or feeling. But doesn’t gentle parenting do the same thing, just in the opposite direction?
One of the main benefits of gentle parenting is that it helps the child acknowledge and articulate their feelings, and develop empathy. These are important emotional intelligence skills that can benefit a child in the long run. But some critics argue that placing too much emphasis on feelings can cause naturally sensitive children to become overly so, without the balance that structure and discipline can provide. And it goes against the nature of children who naturally have a rational temperament (e.g. ENTJs or INTJs) making them feel like a square peg in a round hole.
Every personality type can learn to be more empathetic over time. But children who aren’t ready for this won’t benefit much if they’re forced to participate in such conversations. There's a risk that the “softness” of the gentle parenting approach will actually make them feel more anxious and overwhelmed, leading them to withdraw further and to hide their true emotions even deeper.
Not All Bad Behavior is Down to Stress
Gentle parenting starts with the premise that a child's bad behavior is always a reaction to unresolved anxiety. But in reality, kids sometimes act out because taking risks is in their nature!
As adults, Sensing-Perceiving personalities (ESTPs, ISTPs, ESFPs, ISFPs) like to push boundaries, take risks, and bend the rules they don't agree with, because it makes their life more unpredictable and exciting. And you can see the beginnings of this in very young children as well. They want to live in the moment—and because of this, they benefit from a parenting style that allows them to experiment but also walks them through what could happen if they don’t heed warnings or advice. Sometimes boundaries need to be set, and consequences dished out, not as a punishment for disobedience but instead to protect children from themselves.
Children Wise Up to What's Going On
Kids exposed to gentle parenting strategies will eventually figure out what’s going on. When this happens, they may start telling their parents what they know they want to hear, instead of what they really feel. They may do this for a number of reasons—to keep the peace, to gain their parent's approval, to get the positive attention they crave, or because they like getting one over on their parents! Others may just lie to avoid hearing another lecture.
The end result? Kids who know how to manipulate the system and use emotions as a tool. And this isn't good for anyone.
Gentle Parenting Doesn't Prepare Children for the Real World
One of the biggest criticisms of gentle parenting is that it does not prepare children for the real world. When gently-parented kids grow up and go off to college or start working, they may be in for a shock when they discover that their professors, co-workers and bosses aren’t much interested in their feelings and are only looking for results.
More sensitive and people-oriented personality types (e.g. ENFJs, INFJs, ENFPs, and INFPs) may find this transition especially difficult, as they have grown up in an environment where emotions were valued above productivity and results. This can lead to a culture shock that can be hard for them to navigate. And if they’re a rebellious or spontaneous type that likes to push people’s buttons (as an ENTP or ISFP might), they may be stunned when they’re held fully accountable for their actions and are unable to escape the consequences.
The Alternative to Gentle Parenting? Your Style of Parenting, Whatever it Might Be
Personality testing is not recommended for children, since their personalities are still in the process of fully forming. But parents know their children. You don't need a test to tell you what your child is most like at their core or how they respond to different styles of parenting—you learn this through trial and error and by trusting your instincts.
Fundamentally, gentle parenting shouldn’t be a rigid approach, but another tool in your parenting toolkit. Sometimes you may need to take a soft, empathetic approach and other times a firmer stance may be necessary. No one knows your child better than you, which is why your voice should always have the final say.
