Here’s Why ENTJs Are Just “Too Much” For Some People

Making up just 1.8% of the general population, the ENTJ personality is one of the least common Myers and Briggs types. While being rare ought to make you feel special, chances are you’ve come up against the same criticism time and time again.

Picture the scene: You had a date two days ago and you’re pretty darn sure it went well. You were your usual gregarious, friendly, direct self. You had the other person in giggles and then quickly shifted gears into a deep and meaningful conversation, asking them about their future goals. Who wouldn’t fall head over heels in love with you?

And then, your phone buzzes. It’s a short-and-sweet text: “Hey, had a great time the other day, but don’t think it’ll work out. Honestly, you’re just too much for me!” Your heart sinks. It’s not the first time you’ve heard this — the word “too” seems to follow you around like a rumor that just won’t die.

Whether it’s your boss saying you were “too direct” in a meeting, your friend saying you were “too intense” over dinner, or your partner claiming you’re “too bossy,” you’ve heard it all before. But that doesn’t mean that it stings any less.  

But, to borrow a phrase from Goldilocks, what’s “too much” for one person is likely to be “just right” for someone else. Let’s look at why ENTJs so often get branded with this label, and why finding your people is the answer.

The ENTJ Personality, Explained

First up, let’s recap what the ENTJ personality is all about. We can break down the acronym into the fundamentals of this character:

• Extraverted. You’re naturally energized by other people and love socializing.
• iNtuitive. You’re a big picture thinker, focusing on concepts rather than details.
• Thinking. You make your decisions based on logic and reason.
• Judging. You’re organized and tend to plan instead of being spontaneous.

That all sounds pretty appealing on paper. Put everything together and you get a personality that’s quick to take charge of situations, quick to rally the troops, and quick to figure out what (logically) to do next. In the workplace, that may look like stepping up to lead projects. In relationships, it could mean organizing the social calendar, asking the big relationship questions, and moving things forward when others might hang back. 

So, why is it that you’re not everyone’s cup of tea?

Why ENTJs Are Just “Too Much”

You love meeting new people, but might miss things

Gregarious and outgoing, you like nothing more than meeting new people and finding out what makes them tick. In a group setting, you’re the one learning everyone’s name and asking them all about what they do. On a date, you steer the conversation toward future plans and big dreams.

However, you can sometimes miss emotional subtleties in others.

Some people – a lot of people – prefer to ease into a new connection. They want to share their stories gradually, or just enjoy the moment, while you’re busy charging ahead. Your questions can easily feel “too much” for a person like that, and you may not see the signs before it’s too late. You think you’re making conversation and getting to know them, while they feel as though you’re putting them under a microscope. 

You take the lead, even if no one has asked you to

ENTJ’s dominant cognitive function is Extraverted Thinking (Te). This is how your brain works most of the time. It’s what makes you strategic and forward thinking. You’re focused on organizing the external world around you, including the people in it.

You also tend to think out loud. So, you might talk through your plans while you are still making them. In your mind, this is just about efficiency and finding the best solution as quickly as possible. Your main focus is the outcome and how you can reach it ASAP.

However, there’s another side to this story. While you may not realize it, taking charge of situations to get the job done can appear “too bossy” for some people. If you take the helm when no one specifically asks you to, it may look as though you’re trying to control the outcome and bend others to your will.

For people who prefer passivity or working collaboratively, you might come across as “too much”. You may know that you are just trying to push things forward, but that could rub some people up the wrong way. While you don’t need to apologize for being proactive, it’s important to know when taking the lead is appropriate and when it’s not.

You’re super efficient, and expect the same from everyone else

High standards are your MO. As an ENTJ, you’re all about competence and efficiency. These are ideals that you apply to almost all areas of your life and you expect the same from other people. So, when you meet someone who prefers a slower pace, or is satisfied with a lower standard, you can be intimidating.

Let’s say you’re playing a board game with a group of friends, and you’re trying to explain the rules. You expect everyone to listen intently and get it the first time around. After all, that’s what you would do and you’re eager to get on with the game. However, there’s one person who keeps asking questions. You’re frustrated and don’t understand why they aren’t up to speed.

Just because you’re super efficient that doesn’t mean that everyone else is, or even that they should try to be. Your standards aren’t wrong, when it comes to yourself. However, trying to impose them on others can come across as pushy, bossy and impatient. Come up against the wrong personality type, and this type of pressure will have them running for the hills.

You speak your mind, sometimes too honestly

Did you forget to sugarcoat that last criticism? When you’re giving people feedback, you err on the side of honesty and sometimes forget your manners. This personality trait has some people labeling you as “too direct” and it can make other people feel uncomfortable.

It’s not that you’re trying to be rude or even unkind. You see honesty as a sign of respect and don’t waste time beating around the bush. However, for people who hate confrontation, this style of communication can be too brash. Remember, you don’t have to be brutal to tell someone what’s on your mind. (And honestly, there’s nothing wrong with softening the blow.)

You push people to be better, whether they want it or not

When you see potential in someone else, something sparks inside you. You’re excited to see what they can achieve and – you just can’t help yourself – you start pushing. It may be showing a little too much interest in your friend's side project or pestering them to start writing that book.

You think you’re being helpful and supportive… but not everyone agrees. The pressure can trigger defensiveness in some people. You may find that people tell you to back off or give them space, which can be painful when you are merely trying to be on their team.

However, you’re in luck, because if you collaborate with the right people, it can turn into something kind of beautiful. This is the case when it comes to having an accountability partner who pushes you just as much as you push them. The outcome is that you both improve.

The Right People Won’t Think You’re “Too Much”

Being “too much” for someone isn’t the character assassination you think it is. If, as an ENTJ, you come up against this often, it likely means you haven’t found the right people. And that’s okay. There are over eight billion people in the world, after all. You have options.

Rather than trying to change yourself to fit into someone else’s mold, put your energy where it matters. Find like-minded people who are equally ambitious and outgoing. These are the people who will appreciate your leadership, your friendly nature, and your eagerness to succeed. When you find them, they’re the ones who will tell you that you’re “just enough” for them.