How to Cope As A Highly Sensitive Man

Men are often taught from a young age that asking for help and showing their feelings is a sign of weakness. Our society values outward displays of strength and qualities like extraversion, gregariousness, decisiveness and low emotionality. Sensitive people are often misunderstood, and bullied or rejected as a result.

This negative stigma makes life even more challenging for men who are highly sensitive. Highly sensitive people, or HSPs, are naturally inclined towards empathy, compassion and creativity.  For many HSP men, these traits have been treated as ‘feminine’ and something to be repressed, which can cause stress, depression, anxiety and low self-esteem. 

What is a Highly Sensitive Person?

In her book, The Highly Sensitive Person, research psychologist Dr. Elaine Aron says that approximately 20% of the population is highly sensitive and the trait is equally divided between males and females. Highly sensitive people absorb a lot of information from the world around them, such as sights, sounds, smells, light and other people’s feelings. So much sensory input can lead them to feeling overwhelmed and in need of solitude to recharge.

A groundbreaking study by Aron and her colleagues found that people who score high on sensitivity have stronger activation of the brain regions involved in awareness, empathy, attention, action planning, higher order cognitive processing and responsiveness to others’ needs. In other words, their brains work differently, more sensitively, than other people’s. 

Some researchers believe this trait may have evolved as a survival strategy. Communities were more likely to survive when certain individuals were more aware of possible dangers in their environment. It’s a good thing!

Life as a Highly Sensitive Man

Highly sensitive men often bury their feelings in an attempt to conform to social pressure, and as a way of dealing with emotions they may not know how to manage. By suppressing unpleasant feelings such as fear, anxiety, worry and hurt, a man may feel it is easier to get through the day and keep functioning.

Unfortunately, human emotions are complex and interconnected. If you bury one, you bury them all, including the positive ones like happiness, enthusiasm and love. Hiding their feelings may make life easier for the highly sensitive man, but it also creates a life that is flat, cold and ultimately lonely. He can become emotionally distant from the people he cares about and who care about him, making it nearly impossible for him to receive the love and support he needs.

Many highly sensitive men also struggle with accepting themselves. They can feel bad about who they are if they believe their sensitivity is a weakness, and their self-esteem can continue to take hits throughout their lives.

Compartmentalizing can feel like an essential strategy for coping with overwhelming feelings—it’s a way of putting emotions aside in a “mental box” so they don’t spill into everyday life. But for the highly sensitive man, becoming aware of and expressing those feelings is crucial for maintaining a positive sense of self and lowering stress levels. HSPs experience so much stress, thanks to sensory overload, that facing their feelings is fundamental to their health and well-being.

How To Cope as a Highly Sensitive Man

Highly sensitive men need to express their emotions in a healthy way, but how do you do that when you’ve been taught to hide your feelings and tough it out? Just thinking about opening up can feel like you are inviting ridicule, contempt or shame. But embracing your sensitive side doesn’t mean giving up your masculinity. As a highly sensitive man, you can be both sensitive and strong. Here’s how:

1.    Focus on self-acceptance

The first step is to recognize that you are highly sensitive; Elaine Aron’s test offers a structured way to explore whether HSP describes you. Once you see it as a series of strengths, rather than a flaw, self-acceptance follows naturally. There are many positive characteristics associated with being sensitive, including appreciation of sensory information, intuition, empathy and creativity, which can help you strengthen your relationships, succeed in work, and deeply enjoy artistic pursuits.

Aron describes HSPs as “priestly advisors”—people who provide an essential balance to the world’s “warrior kings”. They are the thinkers, who pause to check and consider, who take time to reflect on what’s going on beneath the surface and who advise with their insight and intuition.

2.     Develop self-awareness

Self-awareness is a fundamental facet of emotional intelligence and obviously so – if you don’t know how you feel, how can you express it appropriately? Understanding who you are and what you’re feeling is key to building your confidence as a highly sensitive man. Whenever you’re unsure about what you’re feeling, ask yourself: “How do I feel about this situation? What am I trying to communicate?” 

Perhaps you’re unsure if you should be feeling this way, or you’re not sure how you can express those feelings in a constructive way. Maybe you’re wondering if you will be judged negatively. As an HSP, your natural intuition and empathy will help you to find answers to these questions. The key is to ask them and listen to the answer, rather than brushing your feelings aside. With practice, you’ll gain confidence in your ability to understand and appreciate your feelings and express them in a calm and confident way.

3.     Be honest with yourself

Once you are aware that you’re feeling an emotion, interrogate that feeling by asking, “Where is this feeling coming from?” For example, are you angry at this person, or are you generally in a bad mood because you were stuck in traffic? Are you feeling anxious because you’re worried about a speech you have to give tomorrow, or what your boss will think of you? 

You may be tempted to defend yourself against criticism for your behavior or to blame others, but that won’t help you or the people who care about you. Once you can be honest about the real causes of your emotions, you can express them and deal with them in a healthy way, such as talking to a loved one or writing in a journal.

4.  Pay attention

Pay more attention to your body’s physiological signals. Our minds and bodies are connected, so when you feel a strong emotion, it often shows up in some physical form, like sweaty palms, a headache or an upset stomach. You might notice that you clench your teeth when you’re stressed.

For a highly sensitive man, a trip to the grocery store or a room full of kids can trigger that stress response. Again, ask yourself, “Am I angry? And what could be causing that?” In many cases, you may be overwhelmed by too much sensory information or distraught by absorbing the feelings of others. If you are, take a break, find somewhere quiet and breathe. Highly sensitive people need rest, down time and quiet time to recharge. You don’t have to participate in everyone else’s idea of fun. Do what’s right for you, whether that’s walking in the woods, listening to music or just taking a moment to breathe.

 5.  Express your creativity

Highly sensitive men are often very creative, so try expressing your thoughts and feelings through a work of art, such as drawing, painting, writing, playing music, gardening or cooking. Creative pursuits help you tap into your unconscious thoughts and feelings, which often express themselves in symbols, metaphors and images. It’s not the finished product that matters, but the freedom creative activities give you to express yourself in your own way.

6.     Be kind to yourself

You deserve love and respect as much as anyone else. If you are worried that people are going to think negatively of you for being sensitive, remember that the only opinion that matters is yours. If anyone has told you you need to “suck it up, tough it out and be a man,” they lied to you. All you have to be is yourself because the world needs you and your sensitivity. Remember sensitivity is a strength, not a weakness.

Final Thoughts

Most boys are raised to hide their feelings and avoid showing their emotional side, but that only creates men with an inability to understand themselves or communicate their feelings to the people they care about.

For the highly sensitive man, self-awareness and self-acceptance are crucial because sensitivity is a fundamental part of who you are—it’s not a trait to be buried, but embraced. Acknowledging and accepting your empathy, creativity, intuition and awareness can make you feel good about yourself, but also become the kind of strong, sensitive man you were meant to be.