Unintentional Gaslighting: Signs You're Accidentally Manipulating Your Partner, By Personality Type

Gaslighting, the subtle art of manipulating someone to question their own reality, isn't always a calculated move. Often, the gaslighter genuinely believes they're just being honest or straightforward. But this lack of self-awareness can lead to behaviors that are harmful to their romantic partners. 

Here’s how you may be unintentionally gaslighting your significant other, based on your Myers and Briggs personality type.

INTP: Intellectualizing Their Partner’s Feelings

INTPs have a tendency to prioritize logic and rationality over feelings.  While this trait can be helpful in certain situations, it can also make their partners feel dismissed or invalidated. They might say things like, "You're being illogical" or "I’m just being rational" instead of validating their partner's emotions and getting to the bottom of why they're feeling a certain way.

Over time, their partner might feel as if all their reactions are unreasonable or over the top. This can make them hesitant to express how they feel. All those buttoned-up emotions can eventually lead to a meltdown, leaving both parties confused and frustrated.

INFP: Silent Treatment

INFPs feel very deeply and often need time to process their emotions. When faced with a conflict or problem, they may withdraw and become silent as a way to sort through their feelings. They may subtly and unintentionally gaslight by saying something like “I just need some time to think” or "I want to be alone for a while," without explaining what’s wrong. 

The issue might not even have anything to do with the relationship and be about something else entirely. However, the INFP’s partner might interpret the silence as a form of punishment or passive-aggressive behavior, even though the INFP's intention is not to hurt but to process internally. 

ISFP: Brushing Things Off

ISFPs are all about keeping things smooth and avoiding drama. However, sometimes this can lead to unintentional gaslighting. They might downplay issues to avoid conflict, making their partner feel like they're blowings things out of proportion. You might hear them say, "You're overreacting” or "I didn't mean it that way" or “You’re taking things too personally.”

While the ISFP’s goal is to maintain harmony, this kind of response can mess with their partner’s view of the situation by making things seem less significant than they actually are. Over time, this dynamic can lead to communication barriers and erode trust and emotional intimacy in the relationship.

ISTP: Withholding Information

ISTPs love their independence and prefer to handle things on their own. In relationships, this can lead to them keeping things to themselves. An ISTP might think, “I’ll handle this myself” and decide not to share certain information with their partner, thinking it's not a big deal or might just worry them.

While the ISTP’s intention is to protect their partner from unnecessary stress or to manage situations more efficiently, this behavior can leave their partner feeling excluded or mistrustful. Over time, they might start to wonder if they’re being purposely kept in the dark or if their input even matters. 

INFJ: Imposing Their Own Ideals

INFJs have strong ideals and values, which can lead them to unintentionally gaslight by insisting that their partner’s concerns are unfounded because "This is how it should be," according to their idealistic views. They might say something like, "Don't you trust me?" or "If you trusted me, you wouldn't be worried about it."

While the INFJ intends to reassure their partner that there’s no reason to worry, this kind of response dismisses their concerns because they don’t fit the INFJ’s ideals. This can lead to their partner feeling like their concerns aren't valid or that they're being judged for not living up to the INFJ's standards. 

INTJ: Asserting Intellectual Superiority

INTJs are super confident in their logic and reasoning skills. In a relationship, this can sometimes lead to unintentionally gaslighting their partner by acting like they're always the smartest person in the room. They might say something like "I've already thought this through. Just trust me on this.”

Such unwavering confidence in their thinking can make their partner feel like their own perspectives or suggestions are always inferior. They may start to second-guess themselves, thinking they must be wrong or missing something because the INTJ have already considered everything. Over time, this can really chip away at their confidence in their own judgment. 

ISFJ: Justifying Actions as "For Your Own Good"

ISFJs look out for others' well-being and might gaslight by justifying their behavior as being in their partners’ best interests. They might say things like "I did it for your own good" or "I only did it because I love you."

While the ISFJ may indeed have acted out of love and care, using “love” as a justification dismisses their partner’s concern and shifts the focus from the ISFJ's behavior to their good intentions. This can lead their partner to think that they’re misunderstanding the ISFJ’s intentions and even feel guilty and selfish for bringing up the issue.

ISTJ: Dismissing Alternative Viewpoints

ISTJs have a tendency to fall into black-and-white thinking, and they also respect established norms and traditions, considering the widely accepted way as the inherently right one. Together, these traits can lead them to inadvertently gaslight their partner by dismissing their viewpoints if they don't fit the mold. They might say things like, "You’re being delusional" or "Nobody else sees it that way." 

By dismissing their partner’s viewpoints as nonsensical or delusional, ISTJs can make them feel like their thoughts are “crazy” and even question their sanity or normality. Ultimately, they can grow frustrated in their attempts to express themselves freely within the relationship.

ENFP: Toxic Positivity

ENFPs are eternal optimists and see potential in every situation. They might inadvertently gaslight their partner by dismissing their very real worries and encouraging them to look at the possibilities instead. They might say something like "Don't be such a negative Nancy. Look on the bright side."

While the ENFP intends to uplift their partner and encourage them to focus on the silver lining, this kind of toxic positivity dismisses their legitimate concerns, making them feel invalidated and misunderstood. Their partner may feel bad for not always adopting a more carefree attitude, leading to feelings of inadequacy and guilt in the long term.

ENTP: Insisting on a Logical Justification

With their love for debates, playing devil's advocate and challenging ideas, ENTPs might unintentionally gaslight their partner by turning an emotional discussion into a logical argument. They may try to deconstruct the situation and even ask their partner for a cold, hard justification of their feelings and concerns. They might say, “Prove me wrong” or "You're not being rational. Let's look at the facts."

This approach can make their partner doubt their emotions or concerns, feeling like they are invalid if they can’t provide any logical arguments or proof in their defense. Over time, this can definitely put a strain on communication and erode emotional intimacy in the relationship.

ESFP: Minimizing or Deflecting Concerns

Spontaneous and fun-loving ESFPs might unintentionally gaslight by dismissing or deflecting their partner’s concerns to keep things light. They might say, "Why can't we just enjoy the moment?" or "You're ruining the vibe. Let's just focus on having a good time and talk about it later." 

While the ESFP intends to lighten the mood, this downplays the significance of issues, making their partner feel that their concerns are too trivial and not worth addressing. Over time, this can lead them to bury their feelings and avoid bringing up their concerns, fearing they will “spoil the party” by being too serious or negative. 

ESTP: Joking Things Off

ESTPs often use humor and teasing as a way to engage with others. When they do something wrong or say something insensitive and are called out for their behavior, they might gaslight their partner by saying that this was just another one of their jokes. They might respond with “I was kidding. Can’t you take a joke?” or “You know I don’t mean it. I was just messing with you.” 

This kind of response excuses hurtful behavior or remarks under the guise of playfulness and shifts the focus to the partner's “overly serious” reaction. Their partner may start to doubt their reactions, wondering if they are indeed being too sensitive or overreacting to harmless humor.

ENFJ: Using Emotional Leverage

ENFJs are highly attuned to others' emotions and might unintentionally gaslight their partner by using this awareness to persuade or push their partner to act against their own interests. They might say things like "If you really loved me, you would..." or "No one will ever love you the way I do."

This kind of guilt-tripping can really get to the ENFJ’s partner, making them feel like they’re always letting the ENFJ down or even betraying their love. It’s like the ENFJ cares so much, and yet they can’t even do these little things for them. Over time, this can lead them to prioritize the ENFJ's needs over their own, eating away at their autonomy and emotional well-being.

ENTJ: Playing the Honesty Card

ENTJs are very straightforward and might unintentionally gaslight their partner by justifying their bluntness as honesty. When called out about their behavior, they might say, "I was just being honest" or sarcastically “Am I wrong?”

This kind of response makes it seem like their partner is overreacting to a simple fact. It redirects the focus from the insensitive way something was said to the ENTJ’s supposed honesty. Their partner may start to question their own perception and feelings, wondering if they are indeed overreacting to something that was just “the truth”.

ESFJ: Undermining Their Partner’s Judgment

ESFJs are super caring types—they really go all-in for their loved ones. But sometimes, they might unintentionally gaslight their partner by expressing their concern in a way that undermines their partner’s autonomy and judgment. For example, they might say something like "You shouldn't rely on your friends/family for advice. They don't have your best interests at heart.”

Although they mean well, this implies that their partner's judgment and relationships outside of the ESFJ's influence are inferior or misguided. Their partner may start to second-guess their friends or family, questioning if they’re really looking out for them. Over time, they may come to rely more on the ESFJ's perspective, believing that the ESFJ is the only one who truly cares for them. 

ESTJ: Asserting Authority

ESTJs are forthright individuals and often so sure of their rightness that they may use their supposed authority to overpower decisions or dictate rules in the relationship. They may gaslight by saying things like "I have more experience in this matter," or "Trust me, I've seen this before," implying that their perspective is more valid.

It's not that the ESTJ means to shut down their partner, but their impatience and belief in their own expertise can sometimes prevent them from considering others’ viewpoints. As a result, their partner can feel like their voice doesn't matter as much because “the ESTJ knows best.”