What Does It Mean When An INFJ, The Rarest Personality Type, Acts Cold and Distant?

If you are an INFJ, you are familiar with the glazed over eyes, the blank look on faces of those who struggle to understand you, and the disconnect you feel with them. As the rarest personality of the 16-type system, you move through life quite differently from everyone else.

But while INFJs are used to being dismissed as “different,” they are bothered by the notion that they are cold and perhaps even self-absorbed. This impression is not the fault of other people—INFJs do sometimes behave in a way that makes this criticism a fair one. Still, it mystifies INFJs who, while withdrawing into their inner worlds, actually spend quite a bit of energy thinking about others and trying to relate to them.

So what’s really going on here?

Inside the Mind of an INFJ

INFJs tackle their ideas and situations inwardly with an all-consuming intensity. Their dominant cognitive function (favorite way of being) is Introverted Intuition (Ni). This means that they spend most of their time in their heads ruminating, dreaming and creating. 

This is their natural way of navigating the world, their natural way of being. It’s the most basic need of the INFJ.

This rich, life-giving, energy-producing inner world is the familiar happy place for the INFJ, but it can also cause you to become disconnected with your environment, and with people. It’s this disconnect that can appear cold and uncaring to others.  The pull to deep dive for the INFJ can be so strong that everything else that matters can take a backseat, including the people you love.

So What Does This Deep Dive Look Like to Others?

When an INFJ is deeply immersed in their own thoughts and feelings, they’re often dreaming up some plan to improve someone’s life, or to enrich humanity with some new endeavor. This is the irony here—the INFJ’s strength is imagining a better world for others, and they are passionate, effective advocates for their fellow human beings.

But while they are inside their heads and absent from the outer world, where others see them, their behaviors can look cold and distant.

So what exactly do others see?  Here are 5 behaviors that make INFJs appear cold and self-absorbed to others, and what’s really going on beneath the surface.

#1: You are obsessed with the big picture

Ni is weird.  It’s weird to us as INFJs, and it’s even weirder to other types. We operate from a rich sea of imagery that explores far-reaching questions that often don’t interest other types. This focus on the abstract, big picture can cause us to overlook real-world details and sometimes this includes people who are right in front of us.

When we are not in touch with the real world and the people who are in it, others may see us as quite frosty. They don’t know that we have a relentless stream of ideas flooding our heads and we see possibilities and patterns everywhere. And don’t ask us to ignore them, because we create and nurture dreams founded on these big-picture ideas, and as visionaries, we are forever chasing them.

So it’s easy to understand how an INFJ looks self-absorbed to others while dreaming up their next big endeavor.  Just be aware of how it comes across to others, and don’t be surprised or take it personally when someone doesn’t understand.

#2: You are reluctant to open up

INFJs have a need for privacy that is sometimes off-putting to other types. You have sensitivities that are out of the mainstream, and you may expect to be misunderstood. This is why INFJs typically limit their close friendships to a few.  

A small, well-chosen group of friends meets the need for depth, intimacy and authenticity.  But people on the outside of that circle may feel shut out as the INFJ appears stand-offish and cold to them.

Also, we sometimes have a need to withdraw as we grapple with understanding ourselves. We have to do this privately because we sometimes have trouble articulating what we feel and what we need. This is because our inner worlds are quite complex. Ni brings you to a bewildering depth that is hard to explain to others. These deep dives are ripe with abstractions that often can’t be expressed in language, and we can struggle to communicate what’s going on inside.

So, we must spend time alone to hash through our thoughts and feelings and to hear our own inner voice. But when we withdraw to do this, other people understandably see us as uninterested in them, and uncaring in general.

#3: You sometimes have a strange stare

The look on an INFJ’s face can be mysterious, even scary.  It has been called the “death stare,” and for good reason. Piercing eyes and prolonged eye contact characterize this look, and intense curiosity or concern is behind it. We search for hidden meaning, and in this gaze lies a determination to understand. 

I once had a neighbor who used to come to me with her woes (we are used to this, right INFJs?) and one day, as I was listening intently, she said “Becky, stop looking at me like that!” I was young at the time and had no idea what she was talking about. I now know that I was using Ni to take in the information she was giving me and to formulate the most helpful and compassionate response that I could.  But what she saw was the INFJ stare, which appeared cold and intense to her.

So be aware that you do this and that it can be unnerving to other types. Explain to them what’s going on with you when you have this look on your face. You are using your deep dive superpower, and you use it when you are interested because you care.

#4:  You can sometimes abruptly shut someone out

Have you ever heard of the INFJ door slam? It’s a thing. It happens when the INFJ can no longer tolerate bad treatment.  They are at the end of their rope.  And without warning, they can slam the figurative door in your face and then feel nothing.  That’s right.  They aren’t angry and they don’t hate you.  They feel nothing at all.

The INFJ door slam can make the INFJ look cold and uncaring to others because when the door slams shut, their indifference looks worse than any emotion, even when the emotion is negative.  When you are angry, at least you are still engaged. When you feel nothing, and you aren’t engaged at all, your icy demeanor is quite palpable and you really freak people out.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t use the door slam to establish your boundaries when necessary. You know what you need for your well-being and those needs have to come first. Just don’t be surprised by how it appears to others who don’t understand it.

 #5 You are all in, or not at all

INFJs are so inspired by their dreams that they will follow them with all they’ve got, or not at all.  This all-or-nothing approach is a type of perfectionism and it can make you look self-absorbed, because once an INFJ has decided on a direction they are likely to put blinders on and block out everyone else’s opinion.

I used to study American historic houses. I became so obsessed with it that it was not enough to know everything I could about the history of architecture in this county. I HAD to know all about its origins in Europe, except that wasn’t enough, so I had to know all about classic Greek and Roman architecture, except that wasn’t enough either, and I had to go all the way back to shelters built in prehistory until I learned about all the world’s domiciles throughout all time.  So dramatic, I know.  We INFJs are not without passion!

But this passion for pursuing our interests and discovering all we can with 100% commitment can result in the neglect of people we love. They become understandably upset sometimes, and you shouldn’t resent them for this. Explain to them why you do this, ask for their patience and give patience in return.

Being Cold Doesn’t Mean You Don’t Care

If you have a friend or loved one who sees you as strangely indifferent, don’t be defensive.  Keep in mind that some of our behaviors are quite odd to people of other types, and this isn’t their fault. Explain to them that when INFJs like you look cold or self-absorbed, it’s not because they don’t care— it’s quite the opposite. You take deep dives into your dominant function, Introverted Intuition, where you dream dreams that are essential to you, and imagine ways to champion all of humanity.