What Happens When a Narcissist Meets an INFJ?

Among those who are abused by narcissists, INFJs are overrepresented. This doesn’t seem to make sense. Why would an INFJ, with core values like empathy, sincerity and authenticity, get involved with someone who is literally incapable of these things and is utterly self-absorbed? 

The clue is in the saying ‘opposites attract.’ When these polar personalities meet, they are drawn to  each other, and something dark and dysfunctional happens. The two make a kind of unspoken,  subconscious pact that all effort, all care, all attention will be given to the narcissist, and the INFJ will empty themselves of their self-worth trying to deliver.  

But let’s back up and talk about long, long ago ... 

What Happens Before These Two Meet? 

Long before the INFJ meets the narcissist, both personalities have formed. The INFJ has come into the world with a unique set of preferences and gifts and, while they can transform and grow in different areas, they will be an INFJ all their lives. So, you can’t undo your INFJ magnificence.  

The narcissist, on the other hand, is largely thought to be formed in childhood. Researchers looking into the genetic angle haven’t established a strong link. But regardless of how these traits develop, the very nature of narcissism is what prevents the narcissist from seeing the need to change. Their arrogance and self-importance is at all times front and center, and they will  not see anything wrong in themselves. 

So, in a nutshell, neither the INFJ nor the narcissist will be capable of making the changes that would prevent the devastation that occurs when the two come together. And the narcissist, if allowed to stay, will violate every core value at the heart of the INFJ. 

Are All INFJs Susceptible to the Narcissist? 

Not all INFJs that meet a narcissist will fall prey to their manipulations. It’s the inexperienced, unrealized type that stays (for any amount of time) with the narcissist that will inevitably suffer psychological damage. An inexperienced INFJ has not yet realized their amazing potential and worth, and this is the soul we are concerned about.  

All the reasons that INFJs can be victimized by narcissists can be summed up under two general categories: a lack of trust in their intuitive capabilities, and an unchecked pattern of people pleasing. In other words, they lack self-esteem and have no idea that underneath all that insecurity is a vibrant, insightful and gifted being who has something to offer that the world desperately needs. 

Not trusting their gut 

When INFJs lack confidence in their natural abilities to spot bad intentions, they will doubt themselves  when those red flags pop up warning them of danger. They will question their own experience of reality  instead of trusting their gut, which is a built-in narc detector if only they would pay attention to the signs given  to them by their intuition. And what are the results? Yep. The narcissist gets in. 

Too much people pleasing

An INFJ who lacks good boundaries in their relationships and prioritizes the needs of others over their own is prone to overwhelm and struggles with asserting themselves. They can’t manage their own emotions, and all of this eventually leads to burnout. They are further weakened by a rising sense of unworthiness and will seek the approval from others for any confidence. And what happens next? You got it. The narcissist gets in.  

It’s terrifying.  

So how does the INFJ protect themselves from the narcissist? 

Enter the Self-Actualized INFJ 

The INFJ who has taken the time to dig deep and explore who they are, and to discover themselves with  honesty, and then embrace it all with courage, cannot be touched by the narcissist. This INFJ has the advantage over anyone who would harm them, and not only is equipped to protect themselves, but is in a position to help others do the same.  

Many INFJs will achieve this transformation and I’m telling you, it’s an extraordinary sight to behold. I  have watched this process in others with my own eyes and their courage, their nobility and their determination is over the top. Truly, most of my favorite super-heroes, both in real life and in fiction, are self-actualized INFJs who master their gifts in a way that brings monumental good to the world.  

And what are the weapons used by these super-heroes when they face down the bad guys? Glad you asked.  

• Trust. They trust their intuition and when their body tells them something is wrong, they don’t doubt it, but act on this accurate information right away. 
• Self-awareness. They are self-aware, having explored without fear their natural strengths and weaknesses, and they fully appreciate who they are. 
• Boundaries. They unapologetically set appropriate boundaries to protect their energy, and they say “no” to anyone who tries to cross them. 
• Emotional Control. They have learned to regulate their own emotions and not take on the emotions of others. 
• Balance. They balance all their cognitive functions instead of ignoring the ones that are hard. In other words, they are well-rounded.  
• Self-reliance. They don’t need validation from others because they know themselves and they are self- reliant and independent.  
• Empathy. They use their gift of empathy to help guide others, but will not push them or get over-involved, and they have empathy for themselves! 

And here’s something else you should know: the amount of time it takes for the INFJ to recognize the narcissist for who they are and get rid of them depends on where they are in their INFJ growth journey. 

The further along on your path to self-actualization, the sooner you will recognize the narcissist and follow your instinct to run! 

So maybe take a moment to  assess how well-equipped you may be at this time in your life to avoid these attention-seekers.  

Lastly But Importantly 

If you are an INFJ already in a relationship with a narcissist, don’t blame yourself. It’s not your fault. Very few of us grow up learning about our INFJ gifts, quite the contrary. Most of us felt like outsiders because we were different and the way we see and navigate the world was probably not recognized and possibly discouraged. So how were you supposed to know that you are awesome? 

Plus, when a narcissist meets an INFJ the attachment doesn’t happen overnight. The narcissist  is a skilled groomer who will take time charming you with tactics like love-bombing and feigning vulnerability to suck you in. And even the more mature INFJ, ever the idealist, seeks that deeper, hard-to-find connection, and many, many INFJs succumb to these egotists. Not just you.  

Just know you did nothing wrong, and you don’t have to take action right now. But I encourage you to read everything you can about the INFJ personality, the good and the bad, and begin that expedition that will lead  you to self-actualization and the truth about yourself. You’ll know what to do after that.