What If We’re Both Girls? Thinking And Feeling Romantic Relationships Between Women

It’s easy to imagine: Girl likes guy. Girl chases guy. Guy likes girl, but wants something simple. Girl wants more. Guy holds back. Girl gets upset, and delivers an emotional, scathing speech about how the guy will regret not choosing her when he had the chance. Girl walks away. Best case scenario, guy chases girl to the airport and it all works out.

This love story, about self-contained, I-don’t-need-anyone guys, and sad, emotional girls just looking for real connection has been told a million times. Gender and personality are culturally enshrined—see the whole Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus concept. That book sold more than 15 million copies around the world. 

But of course, Myers and Briggs Thinking (T) types are not always men and Feeling (F) types are not always women. What’s more, people of all gender identities and sexual orientations engage in romantic relationships.

More and more women in the U.S. are identifying as LGBTQ+, with one estimate suggesting that nearly 1 in 10 American adults now identifies as something other than cisgender or heterosexual. According to this survey, nearly 1 in 3 Generation Z women identify as LGBTQ+, triple the percentage of young women who identified this way just ten years ago.

So it’s worth exploring what might happen in a relationship between a Thinking type and a Feeling type, when both of them identify as women.

Though there’s not much research out there on this topic (yet!), we can use type theory to predict some possible scenarios. I have also heard innumerable stories over the ten years I taught the 16 personalities model in college classrooms.

With that in mind, here are three relationship dynamics between T and F women.

I’m Bad at This!

Researchers have observed how people socialized as women may be stereotyped as more Feeling, and may be encouraged to develop (and expected to have) more emotional intelligence skills. This is often true, regardless of whether these women are actually Feeling types. Thinking women often find it challenging to navigate emotional dynamics with other women as a result. T women navigating emotional challenges in romantic relationships with F women may present as aloof or avoidant for fear of seeming emotionally incompetent.

This dynamic has the potential to create challenges for the T/F couple. The Thinking partner may be wary of making emotional mistakes, while the Feeling partner may misunderstand the Thinking partner’s behavior as uncaring. This may be especially true if the Thinking partner doesn’t have many close friendships with other women. The Feeling partner may value being understood, while the Thinking partner struggles to do exactly that. Feeling women may also resent the need to repeatedly explain themselves, while Thinking women may consider their partner to be too emotional, too needy, or too expressive.

Lost in the Subtleties

Most of us know that communication is critical in healthy relationships. We also know that Thinking types tend to communicate directly, even bluntly, and Feeling types typically prefer tact and subtlety, especially when discussing sensitive matters. These contradictory styles of communication can lead to obvious misunderstandings, especially due to the self-reported emotional obliviousness and overwhelm many T women feel.

It is entirely possible that an F woman assumes her T partner understands more than she actually does. At the same time, I have heard many T women express the desire for their F partner to be more clear and direct about their emotions, thoughts and expectations, i.e. “Don’t expect me to read your mind!” A proud Thinking partner may not express their confusion until a conflict emerges. Due to common stereotypes about women communicating indirectly, the Feeling partner may genuinely expect the Thinking partner to understand, because they’re both women.

Accuracy Vs. Validation

Thinking types value truth over tact, and Feeling types value tact over truth, right? Not always, but there’s a reason this idea pops up in discussions about the differences between T and F types. For a T/F couple, a common conflict arises when a Thinking partner expects their Feeling partner to lead with facts and truths. Yet, those of us who are Feeling types know that our truth and their truth may not match. Feeling types typically value feelings, theirs and others’. They consider feelings to be real and important and in need of validation. For Thinking types, emotional relativity, and the need to validate feelings that “don’t make sense,” can be draining and frustrating.

T/F couples may be strained by the need to work through conflicts where the Feeling partner’s primary goal is to be understood and validated, while the Thinking partner’s primary goal is to get to the truth and solve the problem with as little drama as possible. 

Enter the concept of hysteria, the accusation of emotional insanity historically applied to women to explain their supposed over-emotionality. Feeling women are likely aware of the danger of being called crazy, needy or dramatic because of their focus on emotional needs and self-expression. In contrast, Thinking women may pride themselves on—and receive praise for—their level-headed, logical approach to life, defying the stereotype of the “emotional woman.”

In a T/F relationship, Feeling women may be sensitive to the implication that they are too emotional, and Thinking women may be frustrated by their partner’s perceived unwillingness to live up to their logical standards.

So What Should We Do About It?

With all of the gendered personality and relationship narratives out there, navigating T and F differences in romantic relationships between women can be confusing. But don’t worry—it can be done!  And I would argue that T / F relationships can be incredibly rich and fulfilling once the Thinking type and Feeling type understand each other.

The big takeaway here is that there may be some conflict at the beginning, while Feeling types learn to be more up front about their feelings and needs, and Thinking types push themselves to challenge their assumptions about how people should show up emotionally. Yet, ultimately, there is a ton of potential for an emotionally full and healthy connection in these relationships, when both partners learn to value and respect the other person’s type.

Understand the value of the other person’s type

Most of us will say we value differences, but when it comes down to it, I’ve heard many Ts admit that they wish their F needed less emotional maintenance, and many Fs will acknowledge their impatience with T’s limited emotional energy. Wanting to bridge this difference, by itself, doesn’t change the fact that Thinking and Feeling types may have fundamentally different emotional needs. During times of stress, this difference can be significant.

When either type (or both) secretly harbors the delusion that their Thinking orientation or Feeling orientation is somehow more noble, more selfless or morally superior than their partner’s, it is very hard to connect across this difference. 

Before you deny it, really think about the Fs in your life (if you’re a T), and the Ts in your life (if you’re an F). It wouldn’t be uncommon for each of us to feel just a little bit better than they are, because you’re strong and low-maintenance (Ts) or because you’re compassionate and show up for people (Fs). Many of us feel that what we value is the best thing to value.

In order for Ts and Fs to really respect each other, both types have to genuinely understand the value of the other person's type. Feeling types are emotionally strong and selfless in their own way, and Thinking types are fair and generous in theirs. Different situations call for both sets of skills. When these two types can see and value the other’s abilities, realizing that neither approach is morally superior to the other—boom! You begin to get in sync with each other.

Let go of stereotypes

Relationships between T and F women have the potential for beautiful synchronicity, when they respect this area of difference. So for the women out there navigating a T/F relationship with another woman, if you’re struggling to understand your partner, don’t assume they’re wrong, just because it seems that way to you at first. Let go of what you think you know about how women feel, think and communicate. Start fresh and ask a lot of questions.

For the Fs, you’re not always right just because you’re good with people. You may actually need to spend some time learning about what T women care about. Not everyone needs to express all of their emotions to be healthy, for example. Some T women truly prefer not to talk about everything, and just want to “have a chill time.” The relationship won’t collapse if you give them space to breathe. Your T may actually be selflessly trying not to stress you out by maintaining their strong, silent demeanor. In the end, it might be what keeps your relationship balanced.

For the Ts, don’t run away from the relationship just because it isn’t easy right away. You likely will need to put in real effort to understand how to validate and support your F partner, and it doesn’t mean you’re incompetent or a bad person. Mistakes aren’t the end of the world; they’re part of the process. And prepare to feel like your partner knows more about feelings than you do, because they might. Remember that they’re not trying to burden you with their feelings, it may truly be healthier for them to express how they feel and for you to know what’s going on.

If you want your relationship to work, stay humble, get curious and remember that the more you understand and value each other, the easier things will be.