What It’s Like Inside the Head of a “Feeler” at Work

If you’ve ever worked closely with a person who types as Feeling (F) in the Myers and Briggs personality system, or maybe are one yourself, you know that work for Feelers isn’t just about checking off tasks or hitting KPIs. For Feelers, it’s just as much about, well… feelings. And feelings mean people.

As a quick recap, Feelers make decisions based on their internal value system and the feelings of others. Social connections are extremely important to them, far more than the cold, hard facts. That focus on people and relationships can be a major asset since just about every situation requires us to understand and help people to some degree. But it can also create tricky dynamics at work when they have to balance people’s needs with the bottom line.

The Clash of People and Metrics

While a Thinker may prioritize facts and efficiency in their decision-making, a Feeler considers how their choices align with their values and affect people. They may take the facts into account as well – they’re not ignoring logic – but they’ll always weigh it against the human impact. So, for example, a manager choosing between two internal communication tools might not just look at which one is cheaper or has more integrations. They’ll also consider which one the team likes better and whether it promotes a healthy communication culture. 

Because of this, Feelers tend to struggle with decisions that can hurt someone’s feelings, even if those choices make sense from a business or performance standpoint. 

For example, a Feeler manager could spend weeks agonizing over who to let go during a round of downsizing. Even though the choice might be obvious on paper (e.g. one person’s role is clearly redundant), for a Feeler it’s not that simple. They’ll think about how the news will affect that person’s mental health, how the conversation will feel, and even how it could affect other team members who are close to them. And even when the decision finally is made, it can leave the Feeler carrying a sense of guilt long after the moment has passed.

Tips for Feelers balancing tough decisions:

• Check in with a Thinker. When a decision feels too emotionally charged, consulting Thinking-type colleagues can provide a perspective that may help balance heart with head. For example, if you’re hesitating to reassign a team member who’s struggling due to issues outside of work, a Thinker may help come up with a compromise, such as temporarily redistributing tasks to support both the employee and the team.
• Set clear rules in advance. Clear rules can help to take the emotional strain out of routine decisions. For example, having a clear policy for vacation requests (e.g. “first come, first served, unless workload prevents coverage”) means you won’t have to agonize over who deserves time off more or worry about hurting anyone’s feelings. 

Communicating With Heart Vs Head

Unlike Thinkers, whose main focus is the content of what’s being said, Feelers are highly attuned to tone, body language and what’s not being said. This sensitivity makes them very careful with their words to avoid making others feel criticized or worried. 

For example, instead of directly saying, “There are too many gaps in the report you submitted. I’m sending it back with feedback for you to revise,” a Feeler might say, “I appreciate the effort you put in, but I think we could strengthen a few sections to make it more complete.” You’ll often hear them using qualifiers like “I wonder if…” or “Have you considered…” instead of making absolute statements. So instead of saying, “This idea won’t work,” a Feeler might say something like, “I see where you’re coming from. Have you considered any other options?”

While this can help Feelers keep the peace with colleagues, it can also make them come across as less assertive. Since assertiveness is often associated with confidence and leadership potential, a perceived lack of it could, in some workplaces, hold Feelers back from promotion into more senior roles. For those who are already in management, their subordinates might not take them seriously, or worse, take advantage of their goodwill.

Additionally, the Feeler’s use of overly gentle phrasing can sometimes downplay the urgency or importance of work issues. Saying “it would be good if we could look into this soon” instead of “we need to fix this immediately” could damage performance and results. 

However, that doesn’t mean Feelers need to do a complete 180 and start communicating in a way that doesn’t feel natural. Here are a few ways to stay true to your empathetic style without sacrificing your assertiveness or diluting urgency:

• Follow up in writing. After meetings or one-on-one conversations, send a quick recap email with clear action items (e.g. “Thanks for meeting today! Just to recap, your next steps are to share your draft with me by Thursday and then send it to the marketing team by Friday."). Spelling things out like this in writing helps set clear expectations without the discomfort of having to sound “forceful” in person.
• Use “I” statements. Framing your needs through “I” statements can help communicate your expectations and concerns assertively, without sounding harsh or weakening urgency. For example, instead of softening things up with, “Do you think you’ll be able to get this ready by Monday?,” you could say, “Please do your best to finish this by Monday. I’m concerned that missing the deadline will create a bottleneck downstream. ” 

When Work Feels Personal

Thinking types are generally much more able than Feeling types to compartmentalize “work life” and brush off upsetting social situations at work. Feelers find it hard to disconnect because emotions seep into everything they do.

Because of this, they may take criticisms to heart and feel hurt when colleagues make decisions that seem inconsiderate or unfair. For example, a teammate cutting corners or a manager prioritizing speed over their well-being might feel less like “just a work issue” and more like a sign that people don’t care about how it makes them feel.

This can lead to resentment and even make them act passive-aggressively (e.g. giving curt responses). When pushed, they might express their frustration directly and then feel guilty about the strain this puts on their relationships with colleagues. Taken to the extreme, this behavior could even jeopardize their position within the organization if they lose their cool in the heat of the moment.

Tips to help Feelers keep work at work: 

• Give the benefit of the doubt. While things may feel personal sometimes, try giving people the benefit of the doubt before jumping to conclusions. For example, if a team member is cutting corners, don’t automatically assume they’re taking advantage of your goodwill or not taking you seriously as a manager. Ask them directly: “I noticed you’ve missed a few deadlines back to back. Is there something making it difficult to stay on track?”.
• Separate behavior from intent. Sometimes it’s also important to recognize that not everyone approaches work as considerately as you do. Some people communicate abrasively or do things that are more results driven simply because, to them, it’s just work and their priority is to get it over with. They’re not out to get you, but your feelings matter less to them than delivering the work product. Ouch! But that’s just the way they are – and maybe learning each other’s perspectives is enough to understand each other a little better.