What To Say When You Talk To Yourself, By Personality Type

There is a saying that "what you think, you become." Yes, other people's words and actions have power over us. But they are not nearly as powerful as the words we say to ourselves.

Our internal dialogue, or self-talk, shapes our beliefs, attitudes and actions. How we navigate the world is a direct reflection of the way we see ourselves. This begins with the way we talk to ourselves—if you tell yourself that you're not good enough, you will start to believe it and act accordingly.

But what if we could shift our self-talk in a more positive direction? What if we could use our personality type as a guide to understanding ourselves better and choosing the right words for personal growth and success? Let's take a look at how each of the 16 types can use self-talk to their advantage.

Theorists (NTs)

Theorists are the Intuitive-Thinkers of the 16-type system (INTP, INTJ, ENTP, ENTJ). They possess a natural curiosity and want to know how things work. They approach the world through logic, reasoning and analysis. For these types, it is important to understand the "why" behind their thoughts and actions—and just as important to be able to explain it.

When it comes to self-talk, Theorists have a tendency to beat themselves up over a couple of things. The first is not knowing or understanding something, although Theorists trust that they can figure out anything given enough time. The second is overthinking. Theorists, and especially the Judging Theorists, want to think and learn but they also want to do. When something blocks that action, Theorists can get anxious and frustrated.

The third thing Theorists may do—and not think they are doing—is judge or dismiss others' tendencies, especially if that person is not acting rationally or in alignment with what the Theorist believes is the best course of action. ENTJs can be harsh, ENTPs can be impatient, INTJs can be dismissive and INTPs can detach and walk away when their intellectual curiosity is not met with the same level of engagement.

What to say:

• "It's okay if I don't have all the answers right now. I will figure it out in due time."
• "There is a time to do and a time to think. I will find a balance between the two."
• "Instead of judging others, I will try to understand their perspective and learn from it. Everyone has something valuable to offer."
• "Feelings are just as valid as logic. It's okay to acknowledge and process my emotions."

Empaths (NFs)

Empaths are the Intuitive-Feelers of the 16-type system (INFP, INFJ, ENFP, ENFJ). They are highly attuned to emotions and value authenticity and connection in relationships. While each Empath may have different ideas about what gives life meaning, they are all driven by the desire to release potential, in themselves and others.

When it comes to self-talk, Empaths can be their own worst critics. They often put others' needs before their own and may struggle with setting healthy boundaries. When they do set boundaries, they may be willing to sweep them aside at the slightest sign of distress from another person. That can leave the people in the Empath's life feeling very confused about what is acceptable and what is not.

Compassion for others is not something the Empath needs to learn, but compassion for themselves is. Empaths can be very hard on themselves and can easily fall into self-doubt, especially if they feel like they have let someone down. Imposter syndrome is a common experience for this type, as they can struggle with feeling like they are not good enough or deserving of their successes.

What to say:

• "Setting boundaries does not make me a bad person. It shows that I value myself and my needs."
• "It's okay to take care of myself first before helping others. I cannot pour from an empty cup."
• "I am only responsible for my own emotions and actions, not someone else's. I can offer support, but ultimately they are responsible for their own well being."
• "Not everything is about me. I will try not to take things personally and instead focus on finding constructive solutions."

Responders (SPs)

Responders are the Sensing-Perceivers of the 16-type system (ISTP, ISFP, ESTP, ESFP). They are action-oriented problem solvers who find sticking to routines limiting and dull. These types like to live life to its fullest, often through sensory experiences, and are willing to get their hands dirty to achieve their goals.

When it comes to self-talk, Responders can struggle with the consequences of their impulsivity and making decisions without fully considering the consequences. This can lead to feelings of regret or guilt—especially when comparisonitis sets in and they see others doing better than them. Responders may also struggle with accepting criticism, as they can be sensitive to judgment and rejection.

One of the biggest challenges for Responders is finding focus and staying motivated on one task or goal at a time. Their "grass is always greener" mentality can lead to constantly jumping from one thing to another, without ever fully committing to anything. This can leave them feeling unfulfilled and frustrated with themselves.

What to say:

• "I will take a moment before acting impulsively to consider the potential consequences."
• "Everyone has their own path, and I am not in competition with anyone else."
• "I will work on focusing my energy and attention on one thing at a time. It's okay to let go of other distractions."
• "I am capable of achieving my goals, even if it takes longer than I initially planned. The journey is just as important as the destination." 

Preservers (SJs)

Preservers are the Sensing-Judgers of the 16-type system (ISTJ, ISFJ, ESTJ, ESFJ). They are practical, want to be responsible, and appreciate rules, routines, structures, hierarchies, traditions and all the other things that contribute to the smoothening of life's rough edges. Preservers value stability, security and predictability.

When it comes to self-talk, Preservers can be very hard on themselves when they don't live up to their own high standards or when they feel like they have let someone, some group, or some ideal down. They may also struggle with accepting change or adapting to new situations, as it threatens their comfort bubble.

Another challenge for Preservers is their tendency to put people into boxes based on their own expectations and assumptions. People who visibly act outside of their prescribed norm may cause discomfort for Preservers, and they can be quick to judge or dismiss them.

What to say:

• "Change is part of life, and I will adapt and find new ways to thrive."
• "I will try to approach each person and situation with an open mind, rather than making assumptions based on my own expectations."
• "It's okay to let go of some routines or traditions if they no longer serve me or align with my values." 
• "It doesn't hurt if I try."

Takeaway

There’s no downside to changing the way you talk to yourself. If you act as your own biggest fan, your own advocate and your own best friend, you cannot lose.

Remember that self-talk is an ongoing process and it takes time to change old habits. If you already have a mindfulness practice, incorporating positive self-talk into it can be helpful. If you don't, be patient with yourself and keep practicing positive self-talk every day.

One last piece of advice: it's a messy world, and there are people who will try to bring you down. But if you have your own back, nothing can shake you. Be your own cheerleader and let the nay-sayers fade into the background.