8 Essential Boundaries INFJs Must Establish for Healthy Relationships

With all the hoopla on the internet about the need for boundaries it’s easy to assume that we all know what they are. But let’s be clear—boundaries are what we use to take care of ourselves first so that we have energy to care for others. They give us freedom to explore who we really are and what we really want, without guilt, by putting our own feelings and needs before those of others.

If you are an INFJ you might think this sounds selfish. But ask yourself these questions: 

• Have you ever run out of energy to do something you need to do for yourself because you were helping someone else? 
• Have you ever given something away to someone when you needed it, because they “needed it more?” 
• Have you listened to a friend for an entire evening to the point of exhaustion only to find they are not there for you when you are in need?

If you answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions, or ones like them, then you probably need to take a look at the kind of boundaries you have, or don’t have. But first, let’s look specifically at the INFJ and why establishing boundaries can be so challenging for us.  

Two Superpowers of the INFJ

INFJs are the rarest personality of the 16-type system. They are blessed with a wonderful combination of empathy and insight that is sometimes so powerful that it seems supernatural. Interestingly, it’s these two superpowers that make boundaries challenging, and at the same time provide a way for us to responsibly and lovingly set limits with others.

Let me explain.

Your dominant (first) cognitive function is Introverted Intuition (Ni). This gives you deep insight into people and their motives, so you have an uncanny sense of those who are trying to take advantage of you.

But your auxiliary (second) cognitive function is Extraverted Feeling (Fe), which can cause you to have so much empathy for others that you will ignore that little voice inside you in order to help them.

In other words, your Ni will nag at you and make you uncomfortable because it has the scoop on the bad intentions of others and tries to warn you. But your Fe will fight against it and cause you to feel negative emotions like guilt when you don’t meet the needs of others, even while you have unmet needs of your own.  

See the inner conflict this creates? But today we are going to turn this problem into a path to peace and fulfillment by using your gifts to establish balance and to set expectations in all your relationships while staying true to yourself.

Before Anything Else…

Before we dive into our action plan you have to get clear on one thing—setting boundaries must be grounded in a self-compassion that comes from the core of your being.

Let this sink in. You must believe deep down in your soul that you are just as worthy of respect, love and happiness as any other human walking planet Earth.  If you don’t realize this, really know this, you will never be able to set healthy boundaries with others.

The truth is, on an intellectual level you know that you are just as worthy of compassion as any other person, but in your heart and with your actions you tell yourself and the world a different story by putting the feelings and needs of others before your own too often.

So before you do anything else you have to develop and nurture the kind of compassion toward yourself that you have for other people. When you get this right, you will be ready to work on setting the boundaries that you need to be who you truly are and get what you really want.

Make These Promises to Yourself:

Now, INFJ, are you ready to get to work?

Read these to yourself out loud in the mirror or shout them to the cosmos, it doesn’t matter as long as you promise yourself you will do them:

#1:  I will give myself permission to have limits and standards.

If someone asked you if it’s OK to have boundaries, you would probably say “of course it is.”  But do you feel and believe that deep down, when it comes to you personally? Or is there a place inside of you that feels mean or selfish when you say no? Boundaries are all about saying ‘no’, but that is easier said than done and you must work on giving yourself permission to have limits without feeling like a bad person.

#2: I will identify my own feelings.

Sometimes as INFJs we take on other people’s feelings and mistake them for our own. INFJ empathy is a tricky thing, and you may not have experience in separating your emotions from those of others. Take quiet time to dig into that deep well that is the INFJ soul and practice identifying which feelings are yours, and which emotions you are picking up from others. If you are soaking up the sadness, anger or worry from someone else, those emotions can overwhelm you and they are not your responsibility.

#3: I will prioritize what’s important to me.

Take time out of your day to do what’s important to you without feeling like you are letting someone else down. Believe me, you will get to them and their needs. Meet your own needs first and you will have more to offer others later. You won’t help anyone if you are a shell of yourself, depleted by the demands and the emotional strain others can place on you. So write, paint, have coffee with a dear friend, and do it first—then you will have the gas in your tank to help, listen to, and give to others!

#4: I will clearly identify my limits.

What are your limits exactly? What is acceptable and what is not? Be specific. What kind of behaviors make you uncomfortable? Hurt? Name your standards and expectations. Write them down and keep the list handy if that helps. If you do this you’ll be better equipped when someone surprises you and crosses your boundaries. You will know immediately instead of second guessing yourself and you can deal with it without hesitation. Have a response all ready to go because when you hesitate people can mistake that for a lack of conviction.

#5: I will communicate my expectations up front. 

If your friend unknowingly does something to upset you, it’s not their fault. As INFJs, we sometimes forget that others don’t have the same gifts that we do, and it’s unfair to expect them to intuit our thoughts and feelings. Communicate your limits authentically to others and share what you need and how you feel. You don’t need to compromise your own values by making excuses. Think the best of them and thank them for their understanding and respecting your wishes.

#6:  I will hold my ground.

After you have communicated your wishes to others, keep the promises you have made to yourself.  Watch out for those who may sneak up on your boundaries and then cross them before you know it! Like a friend who talks you into going to a party and says it ends at 9pm but then pressures you to stay until midnight. Hold your ground and leave at 9 if that is best for you. You don’t have to be aggressive or angry, you just need to be assertive and say no. The healthy people in your life will be ok with it.

#7: I will trust my intuition.

It’s so important for INFJs to trust their intuition which can spot manipulation and people with bad intentions. Ni can recognize a potential problem so that you can act on it before your boundaries are violated. But if you don’t listen to that small voice inside that tells you something is wrong, you make yourself vulnerable to the will of others. Trust your gut and act. Remember that Introverted Intuition is your superpower, and you can and should use it to help you take care of yourself first.

 #8: I will conserve my emotional energy.

You may already know that because you are an introvert it’s important that you have time alone to recharge your batteries.  But for an INFJ it’s a little bit more involved than that. The INFJ’s empathic nature (Fe) works on overdrive alongside their honed intuitive gifts, identifying and deeply relating to the needs and feelings of others. This is exhausting. Really exhausting. Please keep your energy tank full by giving your heart and soul what they need, whatever that is for you.

And Finally …

I want to encourage you, my INFJ friend, because your life can be full of wonder and deep meaning if you allow yourself to find and accept who you are.  Your mind and heart go the extra mile to understand and experience all the richness life has to offer, and you can start on this journey anytime you choose. You have many tools at your disposal, and one of them is well-established, healthy boundaries so please make use of them!