Age Gap Relationships Get a Bad Rap—Can the Enneagram Make Them Work?

Age-gap relationships have always stirred up strong reactions, and you don’t have to look far for examples. Celebs constantly make headlines for them. Whether it’s Leonardo DiCaprio dating yet another 25-year-old supermodel, Kim Kardashian having a fling with Pete Davidson—13 years her junior—or Cher falling for her 40 years younger beau, Alexander Edwards, the internet is quick to pile on with hot takes: “Midlife crisis,” “Sugar baby,” “Daddy issues.”

But beyond the snarky comments and clickbait headlines, age-gap relationships get attention because they poke at a deeper cultural bias. So let’s talk about why age-gap relationships get such a bad rap in modern society and how the Enneagram can help make them not just work, but thrive.

Why Do Age-Gap Relationships Get Judged So Harshly?

The main reason why age-gap relationships get a bad rap is because we humans like things that are easy to label. When we don’t fully understand something, we slap a stereotype on it. Psychologists call this the “representativeness heuristic.” Basically, if something looks like a familiar pattern, we assume it is that pattern.

For example, when people see a 28-year-old woman with a 55-year-old man, they immediately reach for the closest mental file: a gold digger taking advantage of a lonely older guy who spent his prime chasing success and is now trying to relive his youth. However, when you actually go inside that relationship, you might find something much more nuanced. 

Perhaps the 28-year-old has spent years dating emotionally unavailable men her own age, and with her older partner, she finally feels seen and emotionally safe. This sense of security could be due to many things—his life experience, emotional maturity, or even that he is a Nine on the Enneagram, grounded and present.

As for him, he might have had to grow up too fast, always playing the provider. Now, being with someone much younger lets him relax and embrace a lighter side of himself. Money might be part of the picture, but it’s rarely the whole story. Relationships are built on a complex mix of attraction, compatibility, timing and sometimes, yes, personality dynamics.

Of course, stereotypes sometimes have a grain of truth—a young person with an older partner for financial reasons isn’t unheard of. But there’s always more to the story. Many same-age relationships are built on unhealthy dynamics, too; the difference is that when those issues show up in an age-gap relationship, age becomes the scapegoat because it’s the most obvious thing to point to.

Ironically, what often destabilizes age gap relationships isn’t the age difference itself. It’s the judgment that surrounds those relationships and the doubts that creep in when “well-meaning” friends offer their (often unsolicited) advice or opinions.

How the Enneagram Can Help Make Age-Gap Relationships Work

It Can Help Build Resilience Against Judgment

When you look at your relationship through the lens of the Enneagram rather than just the age gap, you stop attributing your relationship issues to immaturity or midlife insecurities and start seeing the bigger picture. This then creates an emotional armor against judgment from the outside world. 

For example, if your friend says something like, “He’s too young to be serious. You’re just a phase,” it could easily plant seeds of doubt. But if you know your partner is a Six on the Enneagram—a type known for being loyal, responsible and deeply committed to building security—you have a concrete understanding of their values and intentions. Rather than letting the comment get under your skin, you can recognize it as a generic stereotype that doesn’t reflect your partner’s true character or the unique strengths of your relationship. The Enneagram, in this way, gives you language and insight to see beyond age-based assumptions and appreciate the real dynamics at play.

Reframing Conflict in Enneagram Terms Makes Problems Feel Solvable

Partners in age-gap relationships often run into tension and chalk it up to being in different life stages. For example, an older partner might think to themselves “I want to settle down, but they still have no idea what they’re doing with their life,” while the younger one might feel overwhelmed by expectations, like, “Am I supposed to have it all figured out already just because they do?”

It’s easy to assume that this means you’re incompatible. But the Enneagram can help reframe these differences in terms of personality dynamics that can be worked through, rather than blaming them on age, which obviously can’t be changed.

For example, a 35-year-old Enneagram Three wants to plan the next big career move and throws themselves fully into work, but their 23-year-old partner, who is a Nine, begs them to take it easy. The Three might think to themselves, “She’s too young to understand. She thinks she has all the time in the world.” 

But with Enneagram insight, he might realize that his drive to achieve and succeed—a hallmark of Threes—can sometimes lead him to overwork and bring stress home. His 23-year-old girlfriend isn’t just being carefree because of her age; she’s responding as a Nine, seeking peace and balance. 

Recognizing these patterns, the couple can start to address the root causes of tension, rather than attributing it to the age gap alone. The Three might say something like, “Hey, I know I’ve been killing the vibe lately. I just have to work extra hard these days because I really want this promotion. So by the time I'm home, I have nothing left in my tank. How about we plan something fun for weekends instead of trying to hang out every night?”

It Can Help Balance Out Perceptions of Each Other’s Contribution

Another pitfall in age-gap relationships is falling into the roles of “mentor and student,” or “leader and follower.” The older partner might feel the pressure to always guide and take care of the younger one, while the younger partner may feel a bit underestimated and maybe even condescended to.

The Enneagram can help balance the scale. It allows each person to understand and value what they uniquely bring to the relationship, regardless of age. 

For instance, a younger Four partner might help the older one, who’s a Three, slow down and connect with emotional authenticity, instead of always trying to level up. Meanwhile, an older Eight might offer protection and assertiveness, while their Two partner teaches them vulnerability and emotional connection.

Final Takeaway: Personality Before Age

The Enneagram doesn’t erase the age gap. It just helps you see beyond it. By doing so, it gives you the emotional armor to shield your relationship from judgment and stereotypes that often do more harm than the actual difference in the numbers on your birth certificates.

Moreover, when you view your partner through a deeper lens of the Enneagram, relationship challenges start to feel less like roadblocks and more like opportunities to grow together. Finally, the Enneagram brings into focus what each partner brings to the table, balancing out the perceptions of individual contributions. 

So maybe the real question we should be asking isn’t “Can age-gap relationships work?” Maybe it’s, “Are you willing to understand each other deeply enough for them to?” And the Enneagram might just be one of the best tools to get you there.