Can the Big Five Help You ‘Audit’ Your Friends?

When was the last time you thought about the quality of your friendships? Think of it this way: if you had to survive on a desert island, who’s coming with you—the caring, supportive friend, the lively, adventurous one, or someone else?

While you probably won’t be living on a desert island anytime soon, this exercise raises an interesting point: can you ‘audit’ your friendships to better understand why some relationships feel easier or more fulfilling than others?" The answer is, yes, you absolutely can, using the power of the Big Five personality system.

Who Belongs in Your Inner Circle?

It’s easy to focus on surface-level aspects of friendships, like shared interests, a sense of chemistry, or similar careers. Those are nice points of connection, but they aren’t enough to guarantee a healthy, positive friendship. Sometimes we hold onto relationships simply because of a shared past—growing up together or working side by side—only to realize later that the friendship is incredibly toxic.

Since it can be difficult to see these patterns clearly, it may help to look at your friendships through the lens of the Big Five personality traits. This framework can reveal why certain relationships feel effortless while others seem draining. The Big Five offers insight into how a person thinks, reacts and communicates, which can be valuable for understanding the dynamics between you.

To be clear, auditing your friendships is not about labeling someone as “bad friendship material” just because their traits differ from yours. It’s more about recognizing patterns. For example, as an Introvert, I tend to connect easily with other Introverts because they understand why I don’t always want to go out, and we often prefer deeper, more thoughtful conversations. That doesn’t mean I avoid Extraverted friends! But the point is, particular personality traits may make you feel more seen, understood and stable.

And if some relationships in your life feel unbalanced, the Big Five can help explain why. Understanding those dynamics makes it easier to decide whether to keep investing in a friendship or walk away from one that’s no longer serving you.

Openness: Who’s Willing to Try Something New? 

Now that we’ve looked at how the Big Five can shape your friendships, let’s start with Openness, the trait that describes how curious, imaginative and receptive to new ideas a person is. To bring this to life, let’s revisit that desert island thought experiment for a moment. Which type of friend would you want by your side when you’re faced with new challenges and unfamiliar territory?

Bring someone with high Openness along, and you’re in for an adventurous ride. They’ll explore every inch of the landscape, dream up inventive shelter ideas, and experiment with different types of foods and cooking methods. They’ll find clever ways to pass the time and approach island challenges with outside-the-box thinking. However, this friend might struggle with the more practical tasks. Creating a regular routine is necessary for survival, so keeping the fire burning might be up to you.

A friend with low Openness brings a different kind of reliability. They will be entirely pragmatic and help sort out a traditional survival plan, focusing on practical endeavors like safety, shelter and routine. Low-O individuals are practical and grounded, and they might already know, or quickly acquire, valuable skills like building a fire, foraging or fishing, and they’ll stick with proven methods over experimentation. This friend won’t surprise you with many spontaneous adventures, but they will provide a comforting consistency and routine. Just don’t expect them to embrace new ideas.

What to consider: Do you prefer someone who pushes boundaries and embraces creative problem-solving, adventures and new ideas? Or is someone more traditional, cautious and grounded more your speed? Understanding your own comfort level with novelty and change can help you see which kind of friend helps you feel most at ease and which traits you might value most in your inner circle.

Extraversion: Energized Together or Apart?

Extraversion is the trait that reflects how energized someone feels by social interaction, stimulation and external activity. Friends high or low in Extraversion both bring unique strengths to your circle, but their social styles can feel very different.

On the desert island, your highly Extraverted friend will look for ways to avoid too much solitude and boredom. They’ll invent fun activities with you, keep the conversations flowing and prioritize keeping the morale high. This friend will search for fun projects to keep themselves busy, but they’ll always make these projects social when they can. While their humor and energy can keep things lighthearted, they might struggle with long stretches of solitude. They won’t be too keen on being alone, which can put pressure on you to fill the silence.

A friend who’s lower in Extraversion will take a calmer, more measured approach. They’ll enjoy moments of collaboration but will also seek out quiet time to recharge. You might find them tending the fire and appreciating the silence after a long day. This friend likely has a calming presence. Their quiet fortitude and independence are strong assets, but you might sometimes feel a little less ‘in it together’ than you would with a more socially focused friend.

What to consider: Do you prefer a quieter approach to socializing and need time alone to recharge? Or do you feel energized by an Extravert’s enthusiasm? Knowing your own energy needs can help you determine if someone matches your recharging style.

Conscientiousness: Structured Planning or Go-With-the-Flow? 

Conscientiousness reflects how organized, reliable and goal-oriented someone is. Friends high or low in trait Conscientiousness have different approaches to planning, problem-solving and tackling daily life.

If you decide to bring a highly Conscientious friend to your island, they’ll focus a lot of their time and energy on creating an efficient way of life. They’ll assess your resources, employ a system for cooking and rationing your food, and ensure you both have a safe place to sleep at night. They may devise a system for collecting rainwater. This friend prizes order and organization, so they’ll be big on making your routine on the island as smooth as a well-oiled machine. You may love their rules and structure, or you might feel a little bit smothered if you feel they’re being too perfectionistic and stringent in all of their planning.

The low-Conscientiousness friend brings spontaneity to your time on the island. Chaos doesn’t scare this personality type—when things go wrong, they’ll shrug it off and devise a new way forward. Their easygoing nature may help you embrace the present and roll with the inevitable punches. Still, since they aren’t as organized, important survival tasks may go unfinished and you won't be as prepared for injuries and sudden storms.

What to consider: Do you prefer a friend who plans your activities, or does a flexible, spontaneous approach feel more natural to you? Consider how you like to set goals and handle daily tasks when thinking about what kind of energy fits best in your circle.

Agreeableness: Harmony or Honesty?

Agreeableness levels can shape how warmly friends support each other, cooperate and communicate. Low Agreeableness doesn’t always mean friction, however, as each style brings its own strengths.

On the desert island, your high Agreeableness friend will bend over backwards to keep the peace. They might say they agree with you, even if they don’t, just to avoid an argument. This friend is genuinely concerned for your well-being, and may even put your comfort above their own. They may be so cooperative that they agree to follow through with a plan they know won’t work, and this can create a problem if the tension builds and they aren’t being honest about their feelings.

A friend with low Agreeableness might not make you feel as supported, but you’ll get an assertive partner who doesn’t sugarcoat reality. This friend values teamwork when it’s the practical thing to do, and independent work when that is the more logical choice. They bring a special brand of efficiency to the friendship and they won’t be afraid to speak up if they think your idea is bad. Their independent streak means they may be slow to compromise. This friend prefers their own path and speaking their mind, even if it means ruffling feathers.

What to consider: Do you value gentle support and emotional connection, or do you appreciate blunt honesty, even when it stings? Agreeableness can shape how you and your friend approach and resolve conflict, which matters when it comes to building a deeper, more resilient bond.​

Neuroticism: Sensitive or Steady?

Neuroticism describes how strongly a person is affected by stress, anxiety and negative emotions. People high in Neuroticism tend to experience mood swings, worry and emotional reactivity more frequently, while those low on this trait are generally calm, resilient and even-tempered.

Neuroticism often gets a bad rap, but on your desert island, it can be quite helpful. Bringing a friend high in Neuroticism means they serve as an alarm system for the challenges you both may face. They’ll be hypervigilant about preserving your safety, and thus they’ll point out problems with your shelter and surroundings before you even notice them. High-Ns also have a heightened sense of empathy, and have no problem sharing their emotions with you, so everything will stay out in the open. However, they may worry too much for your liking and fall into a space of ruminating anxieties, which can add to the stress you’re already experiencing.

On the other side of the spectrum, a friend low in Neuroticism brings a calm, steadying influence. They won’t feel fazed by risks and mishaps, as they have a more even-keel emotional state and are resilient, even under pressure. When they get stressed, they recover and soon appear as though nothing happened at all. However, because this friend is so calm and unshaken, they may downplay the risks of incoming disasters. Their composure can sometimes blind them to the reality of impending danger, and you may feel that they aren’t as empathetic as you’d like when you share your feelings, as their disposition can make them seem a bit detached.

What to consider: How does a friend’s emotional style influence your sense of security and connection? Do you feel more supported by someone tuned in to emotion and sensitivity, or by someone who maintains composure and keeps stress at bay?

Who Do You Want on Your Desert Island? 

When you do a friendship audit, you might find that you’re more aware of why certain friendships just feel right and other ones feel off-kilter. Not all friendships serve the same purpose, but you want to ensure that the friendship continues to impact your life positively. By looking at your friends through the lens of the Big Five traits, you can better understand how each relationship supports or drains you.

If you feel that too many people in your inner circle drain you, don’t support you, or make you feel misunderstood, it may be time to audit your friend group. At the end of the day, you’re in charge of cultivating your relationships and choosing which ones are truly right for you.