Why Nice Guys Finish Last, According to Personality Science

“Nice guys finish last.” Is it just a bitter excuse for men who get passed over in favor of the so-called bad boys, or is there actually some truth behind this saying?

Personality science suggests there’s more to it than sour grapes. “Nice guys”—basically men who are high in the Big Five trait of Agreeableness, or at least act that way around potential romantic partners—do tend to get overlooked in the dating world. Agreeableness is the trait of kindness and cooperation. Guys with it are rather chivalrous; they’re honorable and considerate towards their partners which, as every rom-com tells us, should make them irresistible. But truth is stranger than fiction, and there are several reasons why being a “nice guy” can sometimes work against you.

Nice Guys Lack the Confidence Cues Often Seen as Attractive

The whole idea that dominant, confident and assertive men are more attractive to women isn’t exactly breaking news. It’s a classic trope in “pickup” circles, usually explained through evolutionary biology: confidence signals a man’s strength, status and ability to provide. These qualities, in theory, would have increased reproductive success for our ancestors so modern women may still be subconsciously drawn to those traits today.

This isn’t just bro-advice. Research shows that women tend to rate men who display confidence, assertiveness and social dominance as more attractive, particularly during the early stages of dating. For example, speed-dating studies have shown that men who come across as socially confident are seen as more romantically desirable, and women are more likely to want to see them again. There’s even evidence that women find men with wider faces—the physical manifestation of having more testosterone and, therefore, more assertiveness—more attractive in short-term dating contexts.

Nice guys who score high in Agreeableness can be confident, but they often show it through humility, cooperation and emotional sensitivity rather than dominance or bold self-assertion. They’re more likely to prioritize others’ needs and avoid aggressive self-promotion—traits that can sometimes be misread as passivity or a lack of confidence in romantic contexts.  There’s probably also some gender stereotyping going on here, because it’s more socially acceptable for women to be “nice” than men.

Of course, these judgments are heavily shaped by cultural expectations about gender and dating behaviors. Qualities like assertiveness are often encouraged in men but viewed differently in women, even when the underlying traits are the same.

Their Humility Works Against Them

Some research suggests that women prefer men with prestige (i.e. those recognized for their skills, abilities and achievements) over men who rely on coercive dominance to get ahead. But “nice guys” lose out on this front too. Research shows that Agreeable men are less likely to advocate for themselves and seek recognition for their efforts, which can lead to lower income, fewer leadership opportunities, and lower perceived status.

And since prestige isn’t just about being competent, but about being seen as competent, that humility can make Agreeable guys come across as less ambitious and influential in the eyes of women. 

It’s not that Agreeable men aren’t capable. The problem is, they aren’t signaling it in ways that lead to leadership roles and other visible markers of success. Agreeable guys don’t broadcast their competency to the wider world or, crucially, to the women evaluating them as potential romantic partners.

This pattern isn’t limited to men—research shows that Agreeable women, too, may face similar challenges in being recognized for their contributions or negotiating for themselves. It’s a reflection of broader social norms around modesty and self-promotion.

They Are Too Straightforward to Stand Out

A study aptly titled “He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not…: Uncertainty Can Increase Romantic Attraction” found that women were more attracted to men when they were uncertain about their feelings toward them. Women are, it seems, less swept up by the guy who replies instantly and more intrigued by the one who leaves their texts on read—because nothing says “romantic suspense” like not being sure if the guy is into you.

According to a Psychology Today article referencing the study, this could be because uncertainty about someone’s feelings creates “salience,” which is just a fancy way of how much you think about something. When a person’s interest is obvious, there are fewer mental “loops” keeping you thinking about them, so you’re less likely to experience that “I must be really into them if I can’t get them out of my head!” moment.

However, Agreeable individuals don’t tend to play mind games. They’re generally considerate and therefore less likely to intentionally keep someone guessing about their feelings or intentions.

The Good News for the “Nice Guys”

While “nice guys” might lose out to “bad boys” in early dating, it's not all bad news. Research shows that being Agreeable pays off in the long run because people who are high in this personality trait tend to be happier and more satisfied with their relationships once they’re committed. Being decent might not ignite instant fireworks, but they’re usually the ones who build strong, happy partnerships that go the distance. And importantly, the same principles apply across the board—people of any gender who bring empathy, consistency, and generosity to relationships tend to build deeper, more lasting connections.

But of course, you have to get beyond your single status first. If you’re a nice guy yourself, or you know someone who would benefit from projecting a little more confident energy (without becoming someone you’re not), these tips might help:

1. Show quiet confidence

Being confident in yourself is almost the exact opposite of an over-the-top “treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen” persona or approaching relationships like Christian Grey of 50 Shades fame. Most women can see through fake confidence anyway. A better approach is to practice quiet assertiveness and healthy self-respect. For example, if she asks you to do something you’re not up for, just say no without over-explaining. Or if she cancels plans last-minute, let her know you don’t appreciate it instead of just going along with it.

2. Bring your best to the table

So what if you're not the CEO of some cool company or have a flashy job title? Prestige comes in all shapes and sizes and can be conveyed in many ways. Did you master a new skill, finish a marathon, or keep a houseplant alive for longer than a month? Share those wins. Wear stylish and well-put-together outfits that show you have respect for yourself. 

3. Stop wearing your heart on your sleeve 

You don’t need to play toxic mind games, like the classic “not replying to texts” or leaving her on “seen” for days. And you absolutely should tell the truth instead of agreeing with everything she says. But you can create a little intrigue by holding back your feelings. As a rule of thumb, don’t bend over backwards to win her over, like changing your plans to constantly accommodate someone else. You don’t exist to please her; the right person will like you for who you actually are, not for how well you play along.