Emotional Control: How Not to Freak Out Every Time Something Bad Happens

If you are someone who struggles with keeping your composure, or not going off the deep end, take heart. Many of us have triggers that sneak up and bite, causing strong reactions or emotional meltdowns. Emotional control is one of the five facets of emotional intelligence. Having good emotional control means you stay composed and manage your emotions in a healthy manner, regardless of the situation. It's associated with all sorts of positive outcomes, such as better relationships, improved decision-making and a general sense of well-being.

Naturally, some people have better emotional control than others. They seem to roll with the punches, and not get too ruffled no matter what happens. That doesn't mean they don't experience emotions like anger or sadness, but they have developed ways to manage those emotions in a productive way.

So how do you develop emotional control? Interestingly, we can turn to Myers and Briggs’ 16-types personality theory for some answers. Each type within the system may benefit from using personality-specific strategies to develop their emotional control.

How Can Personality Theory Help You Keep Your Cool?

Personality doesn't determine the number of meltdowns you may have in a week. All personality types can struggle with overwhelming emotions when they’re triggered. But one thing we learn when studying the Myers and Briggs’ system is that we all use all 4 cognitive functions in our daily interactions: Thinking, Feeling, Sensing and Intuition. Cognitive functions are the mental processes we all use to take in information and make decisions. The only difference between the 16 personality types is that we have a hierarchy of preferences that is unique to our type.

Emotional control is more easily achieved when all four functions are doing their part toward a balanced and productive life. So even though we have our favorite modes of operating, that doesn't mean we can completely ignore our lesser favorites. And if we repeatedly hit the ceiling every time something bad happens, most likely we have neglected one or more of these mental processes.

Luckily, personality theory gives us a blueprint for improving emotional control by practicing and balancing all four cognitive functions — Intuition and Feeling before you are triggered, and Sensing and Thinking the instant you are triggered.

Shore Up Your Resilience Before You Get Triggered

What do I mean by “shore up?” It’s safe to say that when we blow a gasket it doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It’s usually an accumulation of occurrences and triggers that puts us on an explosive path. But if we invest in our mental health before those occurrences take place, then we are better prepared to deal with them. 

The best preparation beforehand is related to self-examination and self-care:

1. Use your Intuitive function to examine recurring patterns that lead to triggers.

Intuition is a perceiving function. It helps you recognize patterns in your thoughts, feelings and activities that precede a meltdown, and is helpful for self-examination. Use this mental process to connect the dots and discover the emotional triggers that lead you to have strong reactions. Bad things can happen at any time, so understanding what triggers you means you will be prepared to manage your response. 

For example, if there is someone at work who gets under your skin, you may or may not know exactly why. Let’s say all you know is that when she enters the room, you’re suddenly on edge.  But after mulling it over for a while, you see the pattern — as soon as she is near, she begins to cross your boundaries. It’s subtle enough that it’s not readily noticeable. She sits on your desk or stands too close. It seems small, but you make the connection that her behavior is a lot like someone in your past who belittled you, and she has been scattering the paperwork on your desk with her behind for months.

If you recognize this beforehand, you can do something about it before you react in a way that you didn’t see coming. Intuition is a powerful brainstorming machine that can detect connections between your environment and your visceral reactions. So use it to be armed and ready to anticipate future outbursts, ahead of time. 

How? Journaling, meditating or talking with a trusted friend will help you start with the big picture and then narrow your focus to a sharper understanding of your feelings and triggers, and all the possible outcomes that may cause you problems.

2. Use your Feeling function to explore and establish your values.

Feeling is a judging function. It will help you determine what’s important to you by identifying and strengthening your values, and is helpful for self-care. Use this mental process to decide what you need in your daily life to be emotionally well. The emphasis here is on your values, not anyone else’s. When bad things surprise you, having a firm awareness of your own principles and needs will help you respond consistently and in your own best interests. 

Let’s stay with the woman at work. She may be from another culture that encourages standing so close that you know she had garlic chicken for lunch.  But that’s her value, not yours.  You prefer space while socializing, and you don’t appreciate anyone plopping their derriere on your carefully organized desk. These are your values, and you must give yourself permission to have them.  When you allow yourself to have your own values, you become empowered to honor your own needs. And it will be much easier to communicate your wishes to Mrs. Smothers!

How? Spend time in advance developing a plan of self-care and give yourself what you need to be well. Start by meeting your physical needs (exercise, good nutrition, plenty of sleep) but don’t stop there. Take an inventory of what you need for peace and happiness and know your boundaries before you are triggered. This way, you can clearly see when they are crossed.

Be Ready with Strategies the Instant you are Triggered

So how do we deal with that heated moment when the storm is upon us and it’s too late for self-examination and self-care? That moment has a life of its own, and when we are caught off guard, it will have the upper hand. But if we have strategies readily available to us, we have a chance at lessening the impact of our intense emotions.

These strategies are related to present moment awareness and clear, objective thinking:

1. Use your Sensing function for present-moment awareness the instant you feel emotions rise.

Sensing is a perceiving function. It will help you become aware of what is going on in the present moment, right in front of you. Use this mental function to shift away from your imagination, which chases the past and future, and focus on your body and the environment as feelings intensify. The goal is to get a clear picture, in the here and now, of what is really happening in this moment.

So, let’s say Mrs. Smothers enters the room — she is walking toward your desk which is stacked with your organized piles of paperwork. You think, oh no, is she going to sit on my program outline and summary? Yep, sure enough, she does. You have been putting up with her lack of boundaries for months but have never said anything, and now you are ready to blow a gasket. There is no time to reflect, no time to understand why, and no time to mitigate your reaction because it’s already upon you.

So now what?  That crucial moment is here and, oops, you have not been taking care of yourself, and you still don’t understand what triggers you. So, this will be extra challenging. But here is where Sensing shines as you shift your attention to concrete facts and away from negative ruminations. Sensing allows you to become a witness to your own experience by grounding you in the reality of the moment. 

How? Mindfulness can help. Try deep breathing, do a body scan or focus on the details of your environment. Accept the situation as it is, and don’t judge yourself.  Just observe. The idea is to detach from the thoughts that cause those strong emotions, because they don’t always represent reality.

2. Use your Thinking function to apply logic to what is taking place in that intense moment.

Thinking is a judging function. It will help you decide what actually makes sense in that instant when your thoughts and feelings deliver chaos, and help you think clearly and objectively. Use this mental function to step back and assess the situation with reason, and this can help you re-evaluate and deescalate your intense feelings through objective analysis.

It may look something like this. 

Here comes Mrs. Smothers, strolling up to you with a disregard for your latest program report, neatly laid out and ready to be turned in. She sits down, crinkling the Title page just enough to infuriate you as you remember all the times before she invaded your space and crossed your boundaries. But this time you stop and think, you reason, and you analyze…

• Is the report ruined? No. 
• Can it still be turned in on time? Yes. 
• Is her behavior an affront to you personally?  Probably not. 
• Can you express to her how this affects you every time she does it and ask her to stop?  Definitely. 

So, be ready in the moment with a plan of analysis. 

How? By asking yourself these objective questions: What are the benefits and consequences of unleashing your displeasure? Do the facts of the situation warrant a melt down and will it help? And, this is important, will it actually make you feel better? 

Thinking will allow you to distance yourself from messy thoughts and feelings with impersonal reasoning. And with a detached analysis of the situation, you can reframe it in a more positive light, which is often more accurate than your reactive interpretation, and you can do it the moment you feel that wave of emotion that gets you in trouble.

Keep Your Cool With Emotional Control

Improving emotional control is a skill everyone can develop. Start by taking our free emotional intelligence test to establish your baseline — that’s your starting point. Then, explore personality theory to understand yourself better and identify patterns in your reactions. With this foundation, you’ll be better equipped to stay calm, analyze situations objectively, and respond thoughtfully. Cool and calm instead of hot and bothered.