How I ‘Changed’ My Personality Without Losing Myself (And How You Can, Too)

I started studying psychology in undergrad partly because it was fascinating to me, but also because I’d reached a point where I needed to slow down and do some serious introspection.

At the time, I was working as a Resident Assistant (job #1), interning at an ad agency (job #2), and holding down a part-time retail job (job #3). On top of that, I was taking a full course load and filling my weekends with sorority events, studying, volunteering and socializing to the max. 

From the outside, it looked like I had it all together (ish). But inside, I was completely burnt out by 20. My anxiety was through the roof, I didn’t have clear direction for my life, and I knew something had to give.

Then one day in class, I took a personality test. It told me I was an introvert. Umm, what?

I strongly identified with the description, and it’s what ultimately led to my lifelong personal growth journey. But at the time, my lifestyle was anything but introvert-friendly. So I leaned into the introvert life and scaled way back. So much that I basically became a recluse for several years, which also wasn’t great for my well-being. Over time, I became more distant from friends and family and found myself struggling more socially. 

From the outside, it probably looked like a complete personality change. But honestly, I was just trying to find balance. My journey to self-discovery was a bit outside the norm, and included some relatively extreme measures (like the time I flew across the country and spent six months working at a hostel on the beach). But it eventually brought me back to myself. 

Today, I’m a relatively well-adjusted introvert who has a social life, hobbies and work that is meaningful and fulfilling. I even have a child, and there were definitely times in my twenties where I could have never imagined myself as a mom. This shift happened because of gradual, consistent effort to understand myself and work on becoming the best version of that person. 

I changed. And in doing so, I also became more of who I am.  

If you’re at the point in life where change sounds appealing, the good news is that you don’t necessarily have to take radical measures. My experience shows that you can “change” your personality, without losing yourself. 

First, Can You Actually Change Your Personality?

It was long believed that personality was fixed. The Austrian psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud claimed that personality was set in early childhood. This belief continued for decades, with many psychologists believing that personality was set in stone by early adulthood at the latest. But more recent research suggests that personality traits can and do change over time. 

In 2006, researchers analyzed 92 studies and found that people tend to become more conscientious and emotionally stable with age. Personality traits can also shift in response to environment and external factors. For example, Truity’s research found significant self-reported personality changes during the initial two years of the COVID-19 pandemic, including an increase in the Big Five trait of Neuroticism and a decline in Conscientiousness. 

The evidence suggests that the outside world influences your personality. But you can also alter how you show up in the world. Thanks to something called neuroplasticity, your brain is constantly rewiring itself based on your habits, your thoughts, your experiences—even the way you talk to yourself. 

So yes, real change is possible. Not overnight, but slowly, with intention and repetition, you can change your personality.

But to me, the more interesting question is: why do you want to?  

Change Isn’t About Becoming Someone Else

As someone who has tried on a few different personalities, my opinion on whether you should change your personality is: yes…and no. 

I believe we’re all born with certain innate traits and preferences, and we function best when we honor and lean into our authentic selves. That said, we also grow when we stretch beyond what’s comfortable. 

If I never left the house, my comfort zone would just be my house. But if I start by walking down the street, then around the neighborhood, then to the nearby park, that literal comfort zone slowly expands.

The same principle applies to personality traits. For example, if you’re a highly Agreeable person, meaning you’re friendly, cooperative and conflict-avoidant, being direct may feel hard. It’s easy for you to fall into people-pleasing or avoidance when confrontation arises. 

But sometimes, being upfront is truly the kindest thing you can do. So, what do you do? You practice speaking up more, even when it feels uncomfortable. At first, it’s awkward, even messy. But the more you do it, the easier it becomes. 

And then one day, direct communication doesn’t feel so scary anymore. It feels easier, more natural. You find yourself speaking up without second-guessing. Almost without you even realizing it, you’ve changed. 

Change Starts With Effort and Intention

Imagine changing your personality traits as working toward a fitness goal. You’re not going to see a big shift overnight. And just like we all have unique body types, there are core parts of your personality that will always be the same no matter how much you work on them. 

Like lifting weights or doing cardio, seeing change around our personality preferences requires regularly going to the mental gym and putting in the work. And just like with physical exercise, you’ll be more motivated and consistent when the desire for change comes from within. 

When we do things for other people—or because we think we should—we stray from authenticity. That’s often when we end up burnt out. 

Back to my story: I saw college as a chance to become a “new and improved” me—the kind of person I thought I should be in order to be happy and successful. And I took it too far. So much so that it took years of recovery. I thought I was taking a bullet train to self-growth by leaning into Extraversion, but I ended up taking a detour and getting lost for a while. It’s important to remember that there is no fast track to long-term, sustainable change. We have to grow at the speed that works for us. 

How to Stretch Yourself Without Losing Yourself

If you’re curious about where you might want to stretch, start by noticing what feels consistently draining or frustrating in your day-to-day life. Those moments often point to a trait that’s out of balance: too much structure, too little assertiveness, too much people-pleasing, not enough open mindedness. 

Here are a few small, sustainable ways to start expanding your comfort zone:

• Notice your “shoulds.” When you feel pressure to be different, ask: “Is this really me, or is it an expectation I’ve absorbed from others or society in general?” I thought I was bettering myself by joining a sorority in college, even though I didn’t actually want to join a sorority. Looking back, I wouldn’t make the same choice if I had a chance to do it again. I was doing it because I thought that I should, not because it was authentic to me. 
• Prioritize growth over change. Sometimes when we think we want to change, we actually just want to grow in certain areas. For instance, if you’re an Extravert, you don’t necessarily need to become an Introvert to become more introspective and at peace in quiet, distraction-free environments. But if you prioritize time alone to think and reflect, you’ll naturally start to feel a bit more “introverted.” 
• Reward effort, not outcome. Personality change is gradual. Celebrate the moments you try, even if they don’t go perfectly. Did you just lead a meeting that felt scary? Practice setting boundaries with your boss? Listen to a new podcast to expand your worldview? Treat yourself to your favorite comfort show, an iced coffee, or at the very least acknowledge that you tried something new—and survived it. 
• Reflect regularly. Journaling, regular reflection or working with a coach or therapist can help you notice shifts and celebrate progress over time. As a career coach, I love to remind my clients how far they’ve come. They often don’t recognize the change in themselves because it happens so gradually that it feels almost effortless. 

Growth doesn’t mean rejecting your natural tendencies; it means expanding your range so you can move through life with more awareness and choice. It means recognizing your natural strengths, default settings and the patterns that shape how you move through the world. You can be a quiet person who thrives socially. You can be an agreeable person who sets clear boundaries. You can be an organized, responsible person who is also adaptable when you need to be. 

Expanding your comfort zone is possible, and it doesn’t mean changing yourself completely. 

Finding Your Why 

I’d like to tell you how my story ends, but the truth is, I don’t know that yet. Like every other human on this planet, I’m still growing and evolving with time.

In many ways, I’m the same person I’ve always been: the quiet, curious girl of my childhood, the ambitious pseudo-extravert I was in college, the adventurous and independent loner I became in my twenties, and now, the multifaceted person navigating life as a mom, wife, writer, career coach and more.

I know a lot about myself. If there’s a way to label my personality, I’ve probably done it. I’m an INFJ, an Enneagram 9w1, a DISC Support type, a Capricorn—the list goes on. Labels can tell us so much about who we are, but the real work begins when we stop overly identifying with them and start seeing them as launch points for growth.

Yes, I’m naturally an introvert, but when I took that label too seriously, I convinced myself that because extreme effort to put myself out there was exhausting, any effort must be exhausting. I set limitations that didn’t need to exist, and for a while, it made me pretty unhappy.

These days, I challenge myself to get out and lean into my more “extraverted” side, even when I don’t feel like it, while also protecting my energy and avoiding the kind of overscheduling that truly drains me. 

When I think about growth, I always come back to my why. For me, it’s not about becoming who the world expects me to be, but showing up more authentically and becoming more of the me I’ve been all along. 

That means not using personality labels as limitations, but as tools for discovery and growth. It means understanding my natural strengths so that I can work with them rather than against them. And it means remembering that I am not someone who needs to be fixed, but someone who is allowed to be whole. 

That’s the type of personality change that I’ve seen and continue to work toward in my own life, and that’s the type of change that is possible for you, too.