The Psychology of Revenge: How the Big Five Fuels Our Desire for Payback
Whether you serve it hot, lukewarm or cold, revenge can be a tempting thing to dish out. Many of us will admit there’s a certain thrill to getting sweet justice when we’ve been wronged.
But, the feeling is fleeting. In truth, it’s rarely as satisfying as we imagine it to be.
“The reality is that revenge rarely provides lasting relief,” explains Dr. Carolina Estevez, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist at SOBA New Jersey. “Instead, it keeps the pain alive by making you relive the hurt repeatedly. Studies suggest that people seeking revenge often feel just as bad, if not worse, afterward because it does not bring the expected closure.”
So, why is it that so many of us seek revenge? The answer may lie in our personalities. How you score on the Big Five Personality Test could reveal why you are, or aren’t, drawn to revenge as a defensive function.
The Big Five Personality Traits and Revenge
Life isn’t fair. At any moment, something or someone can knock you off course. Maybe it’s being overlooked for a promotion, or someone blatantly cutting ahead of you in line. These everyday injustices might seem minor but they sting more deeply for some than for others.
The Big Five personality system helps psychologists understand how people think, feel and behave. From shaping our reactions to problems, to influencing how we respond when we’ve been hurt, each of the Big Five traits affects a person’s likelihood of seeking revenge.
Neuroticism: The Overthinkers
Do you ruminate when you’ve been wronged? People who score highly on the Neuroticism dimension of personality often feel emotions more intensely than others. They may fixate on injustices and replay painful experiences in their mind long after the event is over. That, added to the fact that they are emotionally sensitive, can quickly lead to a desire to seek out revenge.
“People who are highly Neurotic tend to feel emotions deeply, especially negative ones like anger or resentment,” says Estevez. “They often replay situations over and over in their heads, making it hard to move on. For them, revenge might feel like a way to regain control or prove a point, but unfortunately, it usually just keeps them stuck in a cycle of frustration.”
Taking control of these often difficult emotions can be challenging for the best of us. However, highly Neurotic people are more likely to lose the battle since they don’t always have the skills to manage their feelings in a healthy way.
“In the absence of robust skills for managing one's emotions, such individuals might seek retribution as a means to reclaim a semblance of power,” says Kira Hayes, MA, IMFT, a licensed independent marriage and family therapist, and founder of Affirming Pathways Psychotherapy.
Low Agreeableness: The Less Forgiving
Let’s face it, forgiveness is not always easy. It takes understanding, empathy and a will to smooth things over. People low in Agreeableness are less likely to put others’ needs ahead of their own, and less likely to cooperate with others. Put simply, they're more interested in reaching an objective truth and less interested in maintaining harmony with those around them. “When a person combines a deep conviction for justice or fairness with a lack of empathy it often sets the stage for them to seek revenge,” explains Hayes.
“If they feel betrayed, they are not likely to let it slide,” says Estevez. “They may see revenge as justice rather than pettiness and will not hesitate to act on it. Conversely, highly Agreeable people are more forgiving and prefer to keep the peace rather than dwell on negativity.”
Low Conscientiousness: The Impulsive Reactors
You don’t need to be a psychologist to understand that impulsivity and revenge are closely linked. When someone reacts without thinking things through, it’s likely that their actions will be irrational. That’s where having low levels of Conscientiousness comes into play.
“Conscientiousness is all about self-discipline and thinking ahead,” says Estevez. “Someone low in this trait is more likely to act in the moment without thinking about long-term consequences. They might lash out right away when they feel wronged instead of stepping back to cool off.”
Not all revenge comes in a fit of rage. There are some people who relish the chance to wait things out and craft a cunning plan to get their vengeance later down the line. People who are highly Conscientious but have low levels of Agreeableness may be more likely to seek this type of calculated revenge.
“People who are very Conscientious are often viewed as disciplined and reliable. However, when they aren't very Agreeable this trait can morph into a desire for revenge that's more thought-out than sudden,” says Hayes. “They tend to not lash out right away but rather think about how to get back at someone over time.”
Openness to Experience: The Strategic Thinkers
Strategic thinkers are often more Open to Experience than average. This means they can also be calculated, especially if they feel that their revenge is somehow morally justified. This is more about their personal philosophical beliefs and fairness ideals than it is emotions.
“People who score high in Openness are deep thinkers who enjoy exploring ideas and perspectives,” explains Estevez. “While they may not be impulsive about revenge, they might justify it as necessary, thinking through a more creative or calculated approach. Rather than an emotional reaction, they may frame revenge as a way to teach a lesson or restore fairness.”
Extraversion vs. Introversion: Revenge Seekers
Spoiler: both Extraverts and Introverts can seek revenge. However, what’s interesting here is how they go about it. Their personality traits dictate the style of vengeance they go for.
Extraverts tend to put emphasis on the social hierarchy and use social mechanisms when seeking revenge. Their tactics may include public shaming (think: naming the wrong-doer on social media!), gossip and exclusion.
Introverts, on the other hand, are “more likely to internalize resentment and let their grudges fester quietly, which might lead to more passive-aggressive forms of revenge,” says Estevez.
Psychology and Revenge, Explained
While your personality can affect whether you are likely to seek revenge, it’s not the only factor at play. How we’ve been raised, the values we’ve internalized, and your own set of ethics all have an impact on whether we feel the need to seek out vengeance.
“Our idea of fairness plays a huge role in whether we feel the urge to get revenge. If someone believes that justice means making sure people get what they deserve, they might feel a strong need to take action when they’ve been wronged,” says Estevez. “Some people believe peace of mind is more important than evening the score, or they trust that life will handle things without their intervention. Whether we choose revenge or forgiveness often comes down to how we define fairness and what will bring us closure.”
Why Do Some People Hold Grudges?
It’s not just about the extreme of taking revenge, either. Holding a grudge can be an equally painful experience, especially if you’re the type of person who ruminates over past experiences.
Resentment festers when you do nothing about it and, as most of us know too well, we’re only hurting ourselves. But why is it that some of us can’t help but to hold grudges?
“Letting go of a grudge isn’t always easy, and it often depends on things like emotional regulation and personality,” says Estevez. Emotional regulation, or emotional control, is one of the five facets of emotional intelligence. It refers to the ability to manage and modulate one's emotional responses to various situations, so you don’t overreact or become overwhelmed by emotions. People with low emotional control may “naturally replay negative experiences over and over, making it harder to move forward,” Estevez says. “Those who are highly sensitive to rejection or betrayal may struggle to let go because the pain feels personal and deep.”
Of course, there are some people who can effortlessly let things go. Ultimately, these are the ones who seem happier in all aspects of their life; free from the constraints of grudges and plots of revenge. No, they don’t have super powers. They just have high self-esteem.
“People with a strong sense of self-worth or an ability to see the bigger picture tend to move on more easily,” explains Estevez. “Life experiences also shape this. If someone has been hurt repeatedly, they may hold onto grudges as a way to protect themselves from future pain.”
How to Choose Peace (Not Pay Back)
You already know that revenge is not worth its price tag. Holding a grudge and plotting payback takes a hefty emotional toll. But how can you get the closure you long for and break the cycle of revenge-seeking? There are some strategies you can use.
Shift the Focus
Since the need for revenge happens when we fixate on the wrong-doing, focusing on things outside of that event can set you on the right track. “One of the best things you can do is recognize when you’re stuck in a mental loop and ask yourself, “Is this helping me, or is it just keeping me upset?”” says Estevez.
Become More Mindful
Mindfulness has proven benefits including self control, objectivity and affect tolerance, which is the ability to handle emotions without immediately trying to shut them down or act on them impulsively. “Practicing mindfulness, whether through deep breathing, meditation or simply distracting yourself with something positive, can help bring you back to the present,” says Estevez.
Consider Getting Therapy
“People who are better at managing their feelings often deal with hurt in a unique way; this skill keeps them from seeking revenge,” says Hayes. If you don’t have a natural knack for managing your emotions, there are ways that you can develop one. Speaking to a trained therapist and learning strategies can be a starting point.
Takeaway
While our personalities naturally shape our response to painful experiences, we can always choose to heal over retaliation. Deciding not to seek revenge and, instead, simply go on with our lives is a serious power move.
As Estevez puts it, “Revenge can be tempting, but it rarely leads to absolute satisfaction. Letting go doesn't mean you’ve lost. You have moved on to something better.” Now that is a dish worth serving , hot or cold.
