Revealed: The Big EQ Secret to Being Lucky in Love
It’s Saturday night and you’re curled up on the sofa, swiping right (but, let’s be honest, mainly left) on some dating app. You let out a sigh. Story of your life, right? You’ve been unlucky in love for as long as you can remember: getting ghosted, picking partners who vanish faster than your wine refills, or matching with people who seem great…until you actually meet them.
So what gives? Why do some people effortlessly build long-lasting, healthy relationships while others seem stuck in a loop of bad romances?
Turns out, the secret might have less to do with luck and more to do with emotional intelligence. While chance certainly plays its part in meeting Mr or Ms Right, your EQ could be the difference between a quick fling and the real thing.
The Science Behind Why High EQ = Relationship Gold
First things first — what does the research actually say about emotional intelligence and your love life? According to a Personality and Individual Differences meta-analysis, there’s a clear connection between higher EQ and happier romantic relationships. Having higher levels of EQ is linked to better communication, empathy, cooperation and conflict resolution, and these skills shape the overall relationship dynamic. This makes total sense. We’ve known for a long time that having the ability to communicate keeps relationships running smoothly, for example.
“There is definitely a correlation between emotional intelligence and relationship satisfaction,” says Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and Certified Imago Relationship Therapist, and founder of The Marriage Restoration Project. “The ability to have empathy and emotional regulation matters most — couples need to feel like their partner really gets them and can stay calm when experiencing conflict. Relationships where people feel that their partner is insensitive or where conflict escalates rapidly lead to dissatisfaction."
Empathy and emotional regulation are two of the five facets of EQ. Empathy is your ability to genuinely understand and tune into someone else’s feelings, while emotional regulation is all about keeping your own reactions in check when things get heated. The other components — self-awareness, other awareness and emotional wellbeing — round out the picture, helping you recognize your emotions, read your partner’s cues, and connect with your partner in a healthy, balanced way.
You don’t have to be a therapist to see why all of the above skills lead to happier, and therefore longer, relationships. But let’s go deeper into what it is about emotionally intelligent people that helps them hit the romantic jackpot.
People With Low EQ Mistake Passion for Connection
Ever found yourself stuck in an on-again, off-again relationship? One minute you’re whispering sweet nothings into each other’s ears, the next you’re in tears after yet another blow-up. The highs and lows can feel intoxicating (because they are). But confusing the drama for real connection can keep you trapped in an unhealthy relationship for way too long.
People with low EQ often fall into this exact pattern. The adrenaline rush of arguing and making up again feels exciting — even romantic — so they keep coming back for more. Those with higher emotional intelligence, on the other hand, look at these situations with clear eyes and are often able to see when something is toxic.
“High EQ individuals have an enhanced ability for clarity between themselves and others,” says Stacy Pellettieri, LCSW-R, CEO and founder of Long Island Counseling and host of Why Do People Do That. “The enmeshment of projecting unmet needs, assigning meanings, and lacking the ability to see your partner speaks to how low EQ leads to confusing intensity with intimacy.”
Simply put, your EQ shapes how you relate to your partner. Someone with low EQ may take things extremely personally, overreact in conflict, or miss what their partner is really feeling. People with stronger EQ tend to address the root causes of issues instead of riding a constant emotional rollercoaster of highs and lows.
It Takes EQ to Master the ‘Me’ to ‘Us’ Shift
One of the biggest relationship challenges is learning how to move from ‘me’ to ‘we.’ And no, it’s not just about not being selfish. It’s about considering your partner’s needs, making decisions with them in mind, and truly functioning as a team — all while keeping your own identity intact. Easy? Not exactly.
“The upgrade from 'me’ to ‘us' can be quite challenging as conflict with another person feels threatening,” says Slatkin. “True emotional intelligence is making space for another to have their own opinion without feeling threatened. That takes a great deal of practice and empathy and what I like to call ‘relationship intelligence’.”
For some people, this shift feels natural. For others, it can stir up resistance. Healthy relationships strike the balance: you both get to be your full selves without stepping on each other’s toes. Those with high EQ have a better shot at achieving this as they are more likely to understand that real love requires effort, empathy and compromise. But low EQ types? They’re more likely to cling tightly to their ‘me’ identity, even if it means pushing their partner away.
High EQ Means Healthier Attachments
It doesn’t end there. Emotionally intelligent people are also more likely to form secure, healthy attachments. Instead of trying to control their partner out of fear or insecurity, they understand that real love thrives on trust, support and emotional give-and-take.
“Healthy attachments require appropriate boundaries and an even flow of giving and receiving. Both partners need to be able to rely on each other as needed,” says Pellettieri. “There's balance in the relationship and one doesn't hold the power over the other."
Of course, achieving that kind of balance can be tough if you’ve been hurt before or grew up with shaky emotional footing. Relinquishing control takes courage, especially if you’ve learned to protect yourself by trying to manage every outcome. But when you do, the tension eases and the relationship actually has space to grow.
In other words, developing your EQ could help you stop trying to control love and start actually enjoying it. That shift alone can change everything, which is why it’s such an important part of creating a relationship that’s likely to last.
The Relationship Skills of High EQ People
Think people with high EQ are just born with some kind of secret love superpower? It might look that way, but the truth is that EQ skills are learnable. You can level up your relationship game by working on a few key areas — here’s how:
1. Practice clear communication
Open, honest communication is what keeps a relationship out of the drama zone. If you’re always second-guessing what your partner means, misunderstandings can spiral into resentment, distance and full-blown conflict before you even realize what went wrong.
As Pellettieri explains, people with high EQ “communicate their feelings and needs, are able to hold themselves accountable, and have a willingness to see where their own issues can enter the relationship. They are willing to hear each other and work toward change as needed, while also holding the ability to accept their partner as they are without demanding change to meet their expectations and manage their emotions.”
The science backs her up — a positive link between communication skills and EQ pops up in meta-analysis research. If clear communication feels hard, don’t worry, there are strategies you can use to overcome the issue, both individually and as a couple. These exercises are a good place to start, or you might consider working with a therapist or doing some self-guided learning to improve your communication approach.
2. Keep your independence
It may be a hard pill to swallow, but the healthiest couples don’t blend into a single entity. You still need to be your own person even when you’re in a relationship. That means keeping up with your own hobbies and socializing with other people. If you get clingy, your partner may feel restricted and look for a way out.
More than spending time apart from each other, maintaining your own sources of fulfillment means you’re not taking every stress or unmet need out on your partner. “Your partner cannot be everything you want them to be,” says Pellettieri. “Disappointment, patience and frustration are all emotions we need to be able to tolerate and our partners cannot just do everything the way we expect.” Having friends, passions and experiences outside the relationship helps you see things in context and appreciate your partner for who they are, rather than resenting them when they can’t be your entire world.
3. Keep developing yourself
“If someone has been in a string of difficult relationships, they are the common denominator,” says Slatkin. “While they could benefit from picking better partners and being more self-aware of why they keep choosing these types of partners, working on themselves will be crucial to attracting a healthier mate.”
Now, that doesn’t mean you have to go out and read every self-help book in the store. However, looking for healthy ways to develop confidence and learn more about yourself is a good place to start. Self-awareness is one of the core facets of emotional intelligence, and strengthening it can help you understand your emotions, triggers and patterns, so you can make better choices in the future.
If you’ve always felt “unlucky in love,” focusing on your own patterns and growth can help you flip your own script. “The more you become emotionally intelligent, the healthier you will be, and the healthier a partner you will find,” Slatkin says.
Takeaway
Being ‘lucky in love’ isn’t a complete myth. Yes, some people really do meet the perfect person at the perfect time in their life. It happens. But even if the universe lines up and drops someone amazing in your lap, lasting love is about what you bring to the table. There’s a lot of EQ work happening behind the scenes.
When you learn to communicate clearly, manage your emotions and keep growing and learning, love starts to feel less like luck and more like something you’ve built. And if that’s love, maybe luck doesn’t need much credit after all.
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