Sonder: What This Made Up Word Can Teach Thinker Personalities About Empathy

Imagine you’re in a meeting at work and you need to make a decision about a project. As you consider the facts, one of your colleagues gets upset. She feels frustrated, she says, because no one is listening to her, though that’s not the case at all. As a Thinking (T) type in the Myers and Briggs personality system, you feel irritated that she’s being so irrational. Later, you find out she was worried about her sick child. You feel a sudden, humbling realization that you are not the center of the universe and that everyone’s lives are as complex as your own.

That realization is called “sonder,” and it can help us understand other people and develop better relationships. 

What is Sonder?

Sonder describes the realization that other people’s lives are as complex as our own. John Koenig coined this term in 2012 in his Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, a collection of made-up words for emotions we feel but don't have the words for.

For many of us, it’s easy to think our own lives are much more complicated than other peoples’. We can get caught up in our busy schedules, our worries, dreams and aspirations, and forget that other people have thoughts, concerns and needs just like we do. How often have you become irritated by a distracted waitress or annoyed by a sullen sales associate? We assume that other people are just extras in the movie of our life. We don’t even consider the possibility that they may be dealing with something difficult.

But realizing everyone has complex lives, thoughts and feelings can help us connect with others in a more positive and compassionate way. When we see someone on the street or in a store, it’s just one moment in their much larger lives. Sonder makes it harder to judge people negatively because  we understand they are just like us, and their lives are just as full and complex as our own.

Why Is It Important for Thinkers to Develop Sonder?

Developing a sense of sonder can help increase your awareness that, however they may hide it, other people have worries, struggles and tough decisions to make just like you. When you recognise that everyone has an inner life, you realize they aren’t just stereotypes or categories, and that makes it much easier to relate to them as fellow, flawed individuals. 

Sonder isn’t exactly the same as emotional intelligence, but there are clear overlaps. Of the five facets of EQ, two relate to our perception of others — other (or social) awareness, which describes a person’s ability to pick up on the emotional cues of others, and empathy, which involves imagining oneself in another's situation and responding appropriately to their emotional state. Sonder is a necessary first step in increasing your EQ skills in these areas.

For example, one of the skills involved in developing an awareness of others is perspective-taking, or looking at a situation from another person’s point of view. In other words, we need to be able to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes to understand them and to have healthy relationships with them. And when we do, we become kinder, more empathetic and understanding people.

That’s a valuable lesson for everyone. But it’s especially beneficial for Thinking types who make decisions using rational thought. 

Thinkers gather evidence, analyze their options according to reason, and make decisions based on the facts. Dealing with people can feel uncomfortable for them as they try to navigate the confusing world of feelings. Sonder is helpful for this group as it can help them increase their sense of compassion and empathy. We are all players on the same stage, with dramas that affect us and each other as we weave in and out of each other’s lives — that’s the lesson of sonder, and it can help Thinkers realize that feelings matter just as much as facts.

How to Develop Sonder

While we can never know everything about everyone, it’s important to recognize that other people have as much going on in their lives as we do and deserve our compassion. Here are a few tips to start building more sonder into your life as an ever-rational Thinking person:

1. Start slowly

You don’t need to understand everyone’s history. Just try to be aware that the people you pass on the street or talk to in the grocery store have their own story.

2.  Be curious

You can find out more about people just by being curious about them. Ask them about their day, their interests, their passions. You may be surprised. Not everyone wants to talk about their personal life, however, so keep it light and if someone doesn’t engage with you, let it go.

3.     Be compassionate

Whatever you may or may not understand about someone, remember to be compassionate. Everyone is dealing with something you can’t see. Remember to have compassion for yourself too if you’re going through a difficult time. 

4.     Practice mindfulness

Mindfulness can help you be more aware of the present moment and develop a non-judgmental acceptance of the people around you, opening you up to the realization that others have full and complicated lives as much as your own.

5.     Challenge your beliefs

Try to catch yourself making negative judgements about people and question the validity of those thoughts. As a Thinking type, you can use your analytical skills to look for evidence to support those beliefs and find other perspectives on the situation.

6.     Develop your empathy

Empathy, or the ability to feel what others are feeling, is a skill that can be learned. Even reading fiction can help us understand other people better and the way that everyone’s life is complex. People with the Thinking personality trait tend to have more cognitive empathy, which means you understand how others are feeling on a theoretical level rather than an emotional level—and that’s okay. You can still increase your empathy by using your logic skills to recognize people’s responses and link them to their emotional states. 

Final Thoughts

People with the Thinking personality trait feel more comfortable with facts than feelings, but you can develop healthier and happier relationships with friends, family and colleagues by putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. Everyone has a story. Use your Thinking preference for logic and reason to challenge your initial judgments and get a little more sonder in your life.