Why is Emotional Intelligence So Hard for Some People to Attain?

Have you ever wondered why some people are more emotionally intelligent than others? Or why some people seem to have no emotional intelligence at all?

Truth is, most of us have the ability to improve our emotional intelligence (EQ) and the few exceptions are caused by various personality disorders. But even folks without mental health challenges may have a hard time attaining EQ because life events, like how you were raised to express your emotions, burnout and stress, can affect how well we manage our emotional state.

But does your Myers and Briggs personality type play a role in how easy or hard it is to attain higher EQ? The answer is yes—but not in the way you may think. 

Your personality type does not determine your EQ level, but it does play a role in how your EQ develops (or doesn’t develop) throughout your life. I’ll explain that role in a minute.

Personality Type is Not a Good Measure of Overall EQ

Let’s begin by making sure we know what EQ is. Emotional intelligence is essentially a measure of how well you manage and express your emotions. There are five factors of emotional intelligence: Self-awareness, Social Awareness, Empathy, Self-control and Emotional Wellbeing. And although there have been studies on the subject, there are no proven correlations between personality type and someone's level of emotional intelligence. But we can observe a relationship between specific personality traits and singular factors of EQ.

For example, one may reason that a person with a preference for Feeling in the 16-type system would have higher emotional intelligence, but not so fast! Feelers may have higher scores for Empathy, but Thinkers sometimes have an easier time with Emotional Control.

Or, there may be a perception that Extraverts have higher EQ, because they are more expressive and social. But while they get more practice being Socially Aware, Introversion lends itself to another of the five factors, Self-awareness. So, while one trait may assist in one area of EQ, another trait will lend itself to a different factor of the overall EQ model.

Get the picture?

So it’s safest to say that the 16-types theory of personality does not measure a person’s overall level of EQ, and almost everyone has the potential to develop emotional intelligence and improve it with practice.

So What Role Does Personality Play in EQ?

While type doesn’t determine your EQ, the blind spots of your type may give you hints about what you need to work on to attain the emotional intelligence that will give you a fulfilling life.  

This is the role that type can play in EQ growth. 

There is no tried-and-true formula for improving EQ because each individual is different. However, studying your own type can show you which facets of EQ come naturally to you, and which ones don’t. You can then develop and balance your personality by working on the EQ factors that challenge you most, and this will improve your overall EQ level.

For example, an Extraverted Thinker might be very good at Social Awareness but not so much at Self-awareness. Knowing this can help them focus on understanding themselves when challenges arise. This insight can help them improve their EQ easier and guide them toward a more peaceful and satisfying life.

With the right motivation, almost anyone can improve.

Let’s look at each personality trait and possible EQ blind spots.

Introverted Sensing and Intuition

The perceiving functions of Sensing and Intuition, when introverted, are most closely related to the EQ trait of Self-awareness. This is because these two functions are focused on the inner world of your own emotions, strengths, weaknesses and tendencies.

So, for example, those who prefer Introverted Intuition (Ni) love to take deep dives into what makes them tick, mulling over abstract ideas about who they are and what they value most. INFJs and INTJs use Introverted Intuition as their dominant cognitive function. 

Those who prefer Introverted Sensing (Si) are focused on what they experience internally, using their history and memories as a reference point for understanding themselves now. ISTJs and ISFJs use Introverted Sensing as their dominant cognitive function.

A blind spot for Introverted Sensors and Introverted Intuitives might be Social Awareness. If you are a Si or Ni user, pay attention to how well you perceive the emotions of others. Can you read their facial expressions and body language accurately and understand their feelings? If this is challenging for you, work on improving this skill to increase your EQ.

Introverted Thinking and Feeling

The judging functions of Thinking and Feeling, when introverted, are most closely related to Emotional Control. This is because these two functions are focused on the inner world of judgements you make about how to manage and express your emotions.

Those who prefer Introverted Thinking (Ti) make decisions about how they will manage their feelings or express themselves based on what is sensible to them. INTPs and ISTPs use Introverted Thinking as their dominant cognitive function. 

Those who prefer Introverted Feeling (Fi) use their inner compass to make decisions about how to manage their feelings based on the values they hold dear. INFPs and ISFPs use Introverted Feeling as their dominant cognitive function. 

A blind spot for Introverted Thinkers and Feelers might be Empathy. If you are a Ti or Fi user, pay attention to how well you relate, on a visceral level, to the emotions and experiences of others. Do you feel and show sensitivity to others, and do you care about their feelings? If you’re not sure, work on showing that you care for others on a deeper level.

Extraverted Sensing and Intuition

The perceiving functions of Sensing and Intuition, when extraverted, are most closely related to the EQ traits of Empathy. This is because these two functions are focused on the outer world and understanding emotions and how they are expressed in others.

Those who prefer Extraverted Sensing (Se) have keen observation skills of people and can detect another’s emotional state and how their feelings are being expressed. ESTPs and ESFPs use Extraverted Sensing as their dominant cognitive function. 

Those who prefer Extraverted Intuition (Ne) can’t help but observe patterns and nuanced changes in others’ behavior that belie the emotions they may or may not express. ENFPs and ENTPs use Extraverted Intuition as their dominant cognitive function. 

A blind spot for Extraverted Sensors and Intuitives might be Emotional Control. If you are a Se or Ne user, pay attention to how well you are able to manage your own feelings. Do you take on the emotions of others in a way that overwhelms you? If you do, work on identifying your own feelings and managing them instead of the emotions of others.

Extraverted Thinking and Feeling

The judging functions of Thinking and Feeling, when extraverted, are most closely related to Social Awareness. This is because these two functions are focused on the outer world of social cues, communicating and working with others.

Those who prefer Extraverted Thinking (Te) are effective communicators and use logic to decide on the best way forward to engage others in various settings and situations.ENTJs and ESTJs use Extraverted Thinking as their dominant cognitive function. 

Those who prefer Extraverted Feeling (Fe) are very sensitive to how others manage and express emotions and will often relate to them on a deep level. ENFJs and ESFJs use Extraverted Feeling as their dominant cognitive function. 

A blind spot for Extraverted Thinkers and Feelers might be Self-awareness. If you are a Te or Fe user, pay attention to how well you understand yourself.  Do you reflect on why you do the things you do, your values, what drives you? If you don’t, start by taking this test and learning about your type, your strengths and weaknesses, and all the things that make your heart sing.

What To Do Next

All this boils down to something we all know on a more primal level ... anytime you have an imbalance, in almost anything, problems follow.  This is true for both personality and emotional intelligence. An effective way to level your own imbalances is to develop your non-preferences (blind spots) along with your preferences (natural gifts). When balanced, your Emotional Wellbeing, the fifth  factor of EQ and an overall measure of your emotional health, will be better, and you will be healthier and happier.

Want to get started on your own EQ journey? Take the Emotional Intelligence test here.