Are You Letting Other People Overuse Your Enneagram Strengths?

It's validating when our favorite people notice our strengths. “Oh, sure I can help with that!” you might say. “Yep, happy to lead that effort.”

But suppose these individuals begin to rely on your better traits a little too much. You start to feel exploited, and they become so used to your decision-making or caregiving skills that they stop growing in these areas. You step in to help and their appreciation morphs into dependence.

This shift may not be intentional, but it can strain otherwise supportive relationships. Here’s what to watch out for, according to your Enneagram type.

Type One: Expecting You to Auto Correct Their Mistakes

If your friend is a free spirited, spontaneous and — let's say it, slapdash — person, it makes sense that they would call on you, the One in their life. Type Ones maintain high quality standards, for themselves and others. You can always be relied on to catch the typo, fix the presentation or step in and do all the work yourself when someone else drops the ball. Conscientiousness is your superpower and you've probably lost count of how many times you've saved the day.

But you're not so thrilled when others become complacent. Mistakes happen, of course, and you don't mind cleaning up after them. But there's a good chance you will lose respect for a person who grows lazy — even if it's your own actions that enabled their behavior in the first place.

What may help:

• Show them what "great" looks like but leave them to accomplish it on their own.
• Bite your tongue when someone does something "wrong" and let them make their own mistakes. They will remember the result much more than if you intervened.

Type Two: Depending on You to Make Them Feel Better

When they see someone in need, Type Twos are the first to swoop in with a compliment, a caring gesture or a treat. You want to serve and care for those around you. You do it so well that people seem to need you non-stop — exclusively, and to the degree it wears you out.

While you will always be a tending type, problems arise when you give too much. Being taken for granted is one danger, as well as becoming so enmeshed in other people's lives that you lose yourself. When loved ones do not reciprocate your thoughtfulness, you feel unappreciated. You may even feel taken advantage of, though it was you who failed to set emotional boundaries or who initiated the overly helpful behavior in the first place.

What may help:

• Instead of reaching out with care, step back and watch what happens. When you are not extending the hug, where does the support come from? Do others survive without it? 
• Recognize that you have been filling a gap that draws others to you, but depletes you when offered in excess. There's balance to be found, and it will benefit you both.

Type Three: Banking on Your Workhorse Tendencies

Do you know the saying, “If you want something done, give it to the busiest person you know”? That person is probably a Type Three. You're the one who says 'yes' to preparing a presentation over the weekend (while caring for three kids and an excitable puppy). You might even lobby for an extra assignment if it raises your profile.

Yet tipping the scales into overload means you concentrate less on the commitments you have now. You'll feel the strain as your bandwidth diminishes while others thrive with much less to do. Whatever glory you felt at being the "golden child" loses its luster when you end up crashing. Type Three, admit it: you’re tired.

What may help:

• Decline that extra task, which may feel awkward for you. It may result in praise for someone else, but you will thank yourself in the long run. 
• Find ways to rebrand yourself in terms of quality rather than output. Unless you make changes to stop carrying the bulk of the load, you will find yourself groaning beneath it.

Type Four: Using You as an Emotional Landfill

Type Four, you have all the feels. Author Brene Brown references at least 87 human emotions and experiences in her book Atlas of the Heart, and you have likely felt them all. People come to you when they need help naming these emotions and working through them. You like this role, as it allows you to connect deeply with others and express your unique perspective.

But what happens when individuals dump their own emotional baggage onto you without accepting it or healing from it? Because you are sensitive to how others are feeling, you hold onto those emotions and can get pulled down into unhealthy emotional states. It is so easy for you to become a dumping ground for others' problems, which is cathartic for them but toxic for you.

What may help:

• Practice detachment to keep you from getting entangled in others' emotional states. This may feel uncomfortable, like it lacks empathy, but you need to keep a healthy distance so you don’t become overwhelmed.
• Signpost others to helpful resources so they can do their own work—or not.

Type Five: Expecting You To Explain It All

Google exists for when you want to know which month is best to visit Belgium or what makes a computer freeze. Why, then, do so many people come to you Type Five? It's because you have vast knowledge and intense curiosity. You're both a font of information and the go-to person when no one else has an answer, and you can explain things in a way that others can understand.

But sometimes, people stop doing their own research when they know you will have the answer. They assume your brain is like a library and expect you to pull out all the details for them. You may feel proud of your abilities at first, but it can quickly turn into resentment as people "borrow" your opinion and don't try to learn for themselves. There's also another suspicion in the back of your mind:  Are they trying to trip you up?

What may help:

• Don’t play along. Return their question with a question, such as: What do you think? Have you looked into that? 
• Figure out whether their curiosity is real and what they have done to quench it. If you remove yourself from the role of “instant responder,” they can take steps to learn for themselves.

Type Six: Assuming Blind Loyalty

When circumstances require the team or family members to draw together, the dependable and dutiful Type Six can be a strong ally. Type Sixes are extremely loyal to those close to them, often beyond what other types are willing to give. Your word is your bond, and you will do everything in your power to maintain stability and protect those in your inner circle.

However, sometimes people assume your allegiance when you haven’t determined your stance. It's as if your loyalty were a commodity for anyone to claim. This can be harmful if you are not careful because it may lead you down a path that may not align with your values or best interests.

What may help:

• Questioning is one of your specialties. Before you make a commitment, ask questions, find out more, and raise your concerns.
• Because you are excellent at pinpointing potential obstacles, others can benefit from your steady voice rather than immediate agreement. Remember that when you're being pressurized to take a position before you have the facts.

Type Seven: Relying on Your Lightheartedness

When tension in the room rises, Type Sevens might be the first to diffuse it with a witty reply. While others continue to wrangle through the discussion, you introduce a playfulness that brings a smile and instant relief.

Except, you grow weary of rescuing the vibe with your eternal optimism. People look to you when they need a break from the heaviness of life, but you're worried they see you as one-dimensional.  You wish they would take you more seriously and recognize, in you, the gravitas typically granted to a ‘deeper’ type — even though you’d like to avoid the seriousness that goes with that.

What may help:

• Resist the urge to lift the mood. Getting a laugh or even a grin may seem worth it at the time, but it doesn’t help you escape your default role. 
• When others realize you won’t be leading with lightness, they will find a way to muddle through — and they may be more open to listening to your ideas. 

Type Eight: Counting On You to Make the Decision—Even When It Is Not Yours to Make

Type Eights get so accustomed to being in charge that you may not realize you have exceeded your bounds of responsibility. Being captain of the ship is second nature to you, but there are some decisions that should not fall on your shoulders. That's tough to explain to others, who are relying on your confident and take-charge nature to make the "right" call.

This puts you in an impossible position, Eight. When you decide for your colleague, daughter or spouse — because they want you to — they will hand you the responsibility when things don’t go well. You've prevented them from owning the outcome, and now you're left holding the bag.

What may help:

• Practice "suggesting" rather than "deciding." Offer guidance, but be clear that the decision is theirs. 
• Feel the freedom of releasing it into their hands. Saving them from experiencing the results of the decision means they will miss out on a reason to either celebrate or learn a valuable lesson.

Type Nine: Having You Mediate the Misunderstandings

Consider this: Jenny was supposed to bring dessert, not an appetizer. She insists Taylor told her to bring an appetizer, but Taylor denies it, and now both of them have bruised feelings. As the Type Nine in the room, you step in with “Let's all calm down and work this out together” or “We already have so much food, let's not worry about it.” Your goal is to be the peacemaker, the diplomat, and you may bend over backwards to keep everyone happy.

A variation of this has happened more times than you can count. You are the calm voice, the centering presence that helps others stand down. It feels nice when you receive appreciation, but you can't help wondering if Taylor and Jenny might have worked out their communication issue themselves if you hadn't intervened.

What may help:

• What would be the worst-case scenario if you stay out of it? Would the world fall apart? Surely, it would be nothing more than a loud, but temporary, disagreement. Can you walk away and let the whole thing play out without your input? 
• Instead of jumping in immediately, give others the space to resolve the issue themselves. You can always step in if things escalate and become harmful or damaging.