Nine Ways to Grieve: How Each Enneagram Type Copes With Loss

Loss is part of life. Whether your pain is from the death of a loved one, a relationship breakup or the collapse of a dream, the grieving process is something we all eventually face. While the stages of grief (denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance) are universal, the order, depth and details of your healing journey remain uniquely yours.

To learn more about grief, I spoke with Faye Fyock, an Enneagram Type Three who has been co-facilitating a Grief Support Group in Sutter Creek, California for almost four years. She says, “Some people have been part of our group for a number of years, while others get the help they need in a few weeks. The grieving process really varies.”

The Enneagram can give us clues about how different personality styles deal with loss as well as some important tips to help us move through the process with more grace and awareness. Let’s take a closer look at how each type grieves along with a practical healing suggestion for each.

Type One Perfectionist  

In times of loss, Type Ones seek structure, clear steps and guidance about what to do. They want to make sure things are handled “the right way.” As someone who focuses on efficiency, they might become frustrated with themselves that they haven’t gotten over their loss as fast as they think they should. 

Type Ones go to Type Four under stress, so they can also be surprised by their own emotional reactions. This normally self-contained person can get emotionally messy during the grieving process. “Some of the long-time members in our group feel the need to apologize for taking so long to heal. It is as though they believe they are grieving the wrong way. We remind them there is no timeline for grief, and this self-criticism doesn’t help the healing process,” explains Fyock.

Healing tip: To truly heal, become still and allow space for forgiveness (of yourself and others). Give your emotions time and space to be fully felt. Take a walk in nature or spend an afternoon of reflective music so your feelings can rise. You will know you are on the healing path when you feel both deep acceptance and the flow of love.

Type Two Giver

Type Twos place a huge importance on their relationships so when they lose someone important, it can be destabilizing. They might jump into action, focusing on the people around them in an attempt to offer support. They cope with the loss by keeping the memory of their loved one alive. This might be the person who organizes the memorial every year and brings flowers to the grave every month. “It can be tempting to focus on others during times of grief. This is ok up to a point, but eventually you need to face your own pain,” Fyock says.

Healing tip:  Spend time focusing on your own feelings including the heavier ones like sadness, guilt and even despair. Practice self-care that nurtures your body, like a regular massage or exercise class. Shift the focus to getting (versus giving) support from others. You’ll know you are healing when you don’t feel tired every day.

Type Three Achiever 

When Type Three, the Energizer bunny of the Enneagram, experiences loss, becoming paralyzed by the pain isn’t an option. Instead, they move into action as a way to regulate their emotional state. This is someone who focuses on an external goal as a way to process their grief: calling the funeral home, organizing the wake and filling their schedule with other concrete activities. While this can be an effective short-term solution to avoid drowning in grief, it also blunts real healing. 

“As a Type Three, I found that after my husband died, it helped me to have things to look forward to each week. I joined a writer’s group, a women’s study group, a Bible group, exercise classes and more.  But the most healing came when I eventually joined the grief group I now co-facilitate. It gave me a place to talk about my pain,” says Fyock.

Healing tip: Full healing happens when you sit still and accept your darker feelings, which might include disappointment, shame, regret and sadness. Find an outlet to directly share your pain and accept that grief isn’t something with a checklist. It is an emotional process you move through. You know you are healing when you can enjoy more unscheduled time.

Type Four Individualist

With such high mastery of the emotional world, this is someone who has a great capacity to hold pain, and Type Fours need to feel this pain fully in order to process it. They may seek a deep level of emotional connection during their time of loss, or they might head the opposite direction and withdraw completely for long periods of time.  They may spend time examining all aspects of their grief and loss. 

“Our grief group gets lots of people who have withdrawn from their friends and family. Sometimes they feel like their friends and family won’t understand their pain. Groups like ours give them a safe place to talk about their feelings with others who have gone through similar experiences. This accelerates their healing,” Fyock says.

Healing tip: Find an outlet to express your loss. Writing, painting or a support group can give space and form to your emotions to help you process them fully. You are on your healing path when you don’t feel so alone in your pain.

Type Five Investigator

“Everyone feels pain, even if they don’t show it,” says Fyock, and Type Fives fall into this category. They retreat into their mind to heal, logically and rationally examining the circumstances surrounding their loss, almost as if to confirm it makes sense. This is someone who is good at compartmentalizing so they may go for long periods of time without feeling their sadness. 

But when they do, even the most stoic of Type Fives may break down sobbing as the waves of pain wash over them. This personality style is more sensitive than the rest of us often realize, and their pain can be intense, even if we rarely see it.

Healing tip: Give yourself the time and space to feel your emotions, while gently noticing any tendency to withdraw completely. Find safe ways to connect with others like classes, book groups or shared interest clubs. Seek contact with calm, supportive people who don’t push you to share more than you are ready to. You’ll know you’re healing when you begin to trust your inner wisdom and the quiet sense that your grief can move through you without overwhelming you. 

Type Six Skeptic

Even before they feel grief, Type Sixes might feel anxiety about an uncertain future. They may be paralyzed by fear, wondering what will happen next or how they will face the future in the face of their loss. Loyal Sixes may turn their attention towards their community, looking both to support others and also gain emotional support themselves. 

They may also replay events from the past, searching for what they could have done differently or feeling guilty about something they did or did not do. “Replaying of events is one common theme in the grieving process,” Fyock says. “We try to help people by teaching them that the past is in the past. Acceptance of mistakes and missteps is a big part of healing and moving on with your life.” 

Healing tip: Lean on trusted supporters and create stable daily routines to help regulate your emotional world. Grounding practices like journaling can help you manage anxiety and process any guilt you experience while grieving. You will know you are healing when you are able to fully experience the present moment.

Type Seven Enthusiast 

Loss can be a big growth event for the sunny Type Seven who underprocesses darker emotions and relentlessly focuses on the positive. The “rose-colored lenses” of the Enneagram have to work hard to resist the urge to run from their pain. “Every now and then we’ll get someone in our group who makes jokes or laughs at awkward moments. We recognize this as a defense mechanism,” Fyock says, and there’s a high chance this person is a Type Seven. They might crack jokes inappropriately, laugh too much or avoid the topic of their loss entirely. 

Because they have a planning fixation, Type Sevens often grieve by making plans. It gives their mind a place to focus that doesn’t feel as threatening as the heavy emotion of loss.

Healing tip: Practice presence and sit silently with your pain, however uncomfortable it feels. Remember that the present moment is where healing takes place. Use a wheel of emotion to help you identify all you might be feeling, including the darker emotions. You are moving through your healing journey when you can talk about your pain.

Type Eight Challenger

Type Eights approach life and death like a bull in a china shop. They often become angry when grieving and look for someone to blame: the doctors, the ex-spouse, the driver and so forth. “While anger is part of the grieving process, some people get stuck there and need help moving past it.,” Fyock says. “Staying in anger can limit your ability to fully heal.” 

Type Eights might also spring into action and become controlling as a way to protect themselves from their more vulnerable options including sadness, shame, guilt and regret.

Healing tip: Give yourself more grace to feel sad and helpless. Physical grounding, such as placing a hand on your heart, can help connect to your emotions before acting or speaking. Spend time with people you feel safe with and try to explore more of your emotional world with them. You’ll know you are healing when you can cry about your loss.

Type Nine Peacemaker 

Type Nines power down in the face of grief, like a computer going into sleep mode. They might numb out through social media scrolling, Netflix binging or though eating or drinking. They engage in meaningless activities as a subconscious strategy to avoid their pain. 

Type Nines typically grieve over long periods of time. Theyy may experience sudden emotional breakthroughs after long periods of feeling nothing. “We sometimes need to remind people not to pressure others to open up before they are ready. Everyone has their own rhythm,” says Fyock.

Healing tip: Allow yourself both time alone and time with people you trust since you will grieve at your own pace. Don’t be surprised if you feel nothing for months and then suddenly process a lot in a week. When the moment is right, talk to people you feel emotionally safe with to process your pain. You’ll know you are healing when you begin to feel your vitality again.

In Closing

Grief is not a one-size-fits-all experience, and the goal isn’t to move on quickly but to integrate loss into our lives, honor our feelings and allow space for growth. As Fyock says, “Our lives will never be the same after our loss, but life goes on and what lies ahead will be different – not what we had before but not necessarily worse either. We have an expression in our group that is both a comfort and a challenge: “If you’re not dead, you’re not done!” In other words, it’s a process. The Enneagram gives us a roadmap for how we can do that better.