Shadow Partnerships: The Most Challenging Enneagram Pairings and Why They Work Anyway

The Enneagram theory is clear that any type combination can be successful, and there are no romantic pairings that are more or less doomed than others. In my work with individuals and in the research for my book, The Nine Keys, where I explored the theory and first-hand testimonials of every pairing in depth, I’ve found that to be true. Couples of all type combinations report both success and disappointment. 

But it is also true that some pairs have higher obstacles to clear, and some couples face a thornier set of challenges. Why? Because when your habit of attention points in the exact opposite direction as your partner, you run the risk of living in very different realities.  

Let’s take a closer look at these “shadow” partnerships – the ones in which the thing you pay attention to the most is your partner’s blind spot.  We’ll explore the theory, hear directly from the couples themselves, and offer some tips to help these opposites harmonize.

The Anchor and the Kite: Type Six and Type Seven 

Could they be more different? The Type Six Skeptic focuses on what could go wrong while the Type Seven Enthusiast sees only what could go right. While they live in very different worlds, when this pair embraces their differences, they create a wonderfully balanced, engaging couple. 

Strengths and Gifts

Future-focused and highly verbal, together they enjoy swapping colorful stories, sparring in lively debates and learning from each other’s contrasting views. With the Type Seven’s eyes lifted up toward possibility and the Type Six’s feet planted firmly on solid ground, they balance each other. The Type Six offers steady planning, caution and dependability, while the Type Seven brings optimism, bold ideas, resilience and a spirit of adventure. With each other, they both feel more inspired.

Amelia, a Type Seven in a relationship with Jan, Type Six, says: “My husband is hilarious and playful with a razor-sharp and millisecond-quick wit. I love that he makes me laugh almost every day and that he is a good and solid man. He is extremely loyal, dependable and thoughtful. ​​He helps keep me grounded and reigns me in when I start getting too scattered with my many activities and projects. He is my greatest joy; I can’t wait to get home from work to see his face and ask how his day went. And that’s after more than a quarter century of marriage!”

The Downward Spiral

But their very different habits of attention can pull them into a painful downward spiral. The Type Six, naturally attuned to safety and potential danger, grows more anxious and vigilant when the Type Seven’s impulsiveness and avoidance show up. The Type Seven, wired for possibility and optimism, can feel weighed down by what they perceive as the Type Six’s  negativity or fear. 

“His pessimistic side can seem extreme. He tends to catastrophize, so if our cat doesn’t act quite right one day, she must have feline AIDS. A mysterious bug bite leads him to strip and disinfect all bedding and the mattress with bed bug spray. Before I knew the Enneagram, I would be insensitive about his worrying, telling him he’s over-reacting and trying to talk him out of it or even expressing open disdain,” admits Amelia.

Maya, a Type Six in a relationship with Peter, Type 7 says, “I hope he understands that I don’t play devil’s advocate to try to destroy our relationship. I poke around for the holes and weaknesses so that we can strengthen those parts. I am never sure about my decisions, and I am terrified of making the wrong choice. I need the chance to explore the different outcomes before I can decide.”

Without high awareness, polarization can take hold, misunderstandings intensify and doubts about the future can begin to creep in. Without a conscious interruption of this momentum, the relationship can lose its footing. 

Practical Tip: To prevent a downward spiral, both partners need to understand each other’s trigger points and develop healthier ways to cope with anxiety. Deeply listening to the other person’s concerns with curiosity instead of judgement can be a first step.  Breathwork meditation practices to lower anxiety can be useful for both partners.

“Now that I understand that he can’t help where his attention goes, and his experience is different from mine, I just schedule the vet appointment or help wash linens and don’t say much. I try to be supportive because that’s what he needs most at these times,” says Amelia.

Sun and the Moon: Type Three and Type Four 

Both of these types have questions around identity but they  approach the issue from opposite directions. Type Threes seek validation externally, while Type Fours look inward for answers. 

Strengths and Gifts

Type Three Achievers bring confidence, discipline and a pragmatic focus, helping their more emotionally charged Type Four partners become grounded and action-oriented.  Type Four Individualists offer emotional depth, authenticity and a search for deeper meaning. They help their Type Three partner recognize, name and process their feelings while fostering empathy and compassion. 

When both partners respect and value these contrasting strengths, the relationship can be supportive and deeply complementary, creating the foundation for a long-lasting and symbiotic pairing.

Amber, a Type Three, formerly in a relationship with Nigel, a Type Four, says, “He was a good listener, and we shared our deeper feelings, our past experiences and discussed for hours how our respective backgrounds had influenced us. Our times together surfaced memories of my youth, and I could see how these experiences framed my present and my future plans.”

The Downward Spiral

Because these types approach the world so differently, their relationship can easily descend into misunderstanding and unmet needs. Both struggle with shame and fragile self-esteem. When stressed, Type Threes shut down emotionally while Type Fours sink deeper into their emotional world, triggering each other’s negative patterns. 

Type Threes can become frustrated with their Type Four’s focus on deficiencies, preferring practical matters and positive outcomes.  Conversely, Type Fours feel unseen and unheard, reacting with withdrawal or intense emotion. This polarization can erode the admiration and respect that once united them, potentially spiraling into mutual irritation, resentment and even the end of the relationship.

“While Nigel was emotionally brave, he also had what felt like never-ending emotional needs and became like an energetic vampire. We talked e-n-d-l-e-s-s-l-y about his feelings of inadequacy. The list of issues seemed endless. And after dealing with one issue, another one would pop up,” Amber (Type Three) says of her Type Four ex.

Aiden, a Type Four formerly in a relationship with Marisa, a Type Three, says, “I had a hard time dealing with her shut-down nature. She would go into efficient overdrive to get things done and avoid being overwhelmed by my feelings and my sometimes diva-like behavior.  And when she would shut down her feelings, I would go ballistic. Our behaviors polarized, hers becoming more shut down and mine becoming even more fiery and emotional. Having my feelings go unacknowledged was a huge trigger point for me.”

Practical Tip: To break the downward momentum, both partners need to move more into the middle. Type Fours need to learn that feelings are ever-changing, and while they should be honored, they aren’t always the best guides. Type Threes need to learn to speak from the heart and stay engaged in the messy emotional world. Sitting together in silence can be deeply healing for both.

“I was less self-aware during my relationship with Marisa and didn’t understand that feelings are not facts. Now I am more aware that feelings are like a weather pattern over my heart, ever-changing,” Aiden says.

Fire and the Water: Type 8 and Type 9

Their attitudes about conflict shape the biggest difference between these two personality styles, offering both partners powerful growth opportunities. 

Strengths and Gifts

The Type Eight Challenger brings boldness, decisiveness and high energy, which the Type Nine Peacemaker admires and finds attractive. Type Nines provide calm, stability and acceptance, offering a soothing and supportive environment. Type Eights model assertiveness and boundary setting while Type Nines embody cooperation and a focus on others. When in balance and mutually respectful, this can be a fulfilling and empowering relationship.

Sydney, a Type Nine in a relationship with Richard, Type Eight, says, “I find his decisiveness and innate authoritativeness very attractive and fascinating, and as someone who can be accommodating and indecisive, it is a relief to be with someone who knows and says what he wants. He is straightforward when he has a problem, so I don’t have to guess what he means. 

Before our relationship, he was in a 25-year marriage with someone with whom he had a more difficult dynamic. He has expressed that he is delighted to be with someone who doesn’t make demands, who doesn’t compete with him and who is kind to him. I think he has always had so much conflict in his family of origin and previous relationship that my easygoing acceptance is a new experience for him.” 

The Downward Spiral

While this pairing can enjoy harmony, under stress, this couple can splinter because their coping strategies are opposite. Type Eights confront problems directly, while Type Nines withdraw and stonewall. The withdrawal of the Type Nine fuels the Type Eight’s intensity, escalating the conflict. The Type Eight may see withdrawal as rejection, triggering vulnerability and increasing their anger, while the Type Nine feels controlled and responds by becoming even more stubborn. Misunderstandings grow, conflicts linger and if unresolved, contempt can develop, threatening the stability of the relationship.

Tamara, a Type Eight in a relationship with Gordon, Type Nine, explains this pattern. “After over 30 years of marriage, our triggered reactions to each other are pretty well grooved. In the face of a conflict, I seek an immediate resolution, and I get more aggressive if I don’t get it. My husband withdraws in the face of conflict. With this as the backdrop, what seems like a simple question can turn into a full-blown argument in less than 30 seconds. This has happened so many times that we don’t always hear what is being said or recognize the intent of each other in the heat of the moment. Something simple like me asking “Did you file the tax return yet?” can be interpreted as an attack which triggers him to withdraw and respond with “I’m really busy and don’t have time to deal with this!” This leads me to escalate, and we’re off to the races.”

Practical Tip: To come back into balance, both partners pause and overcome their reactive patterns.  Type Eights need to become still and manage their anger response. Type Nines need to address their passive-aggressive tendencies. This is another pairing where a regular breathwork meditation practice to regulate the nervous system will benefit both partners. As Sydney (Type Nine) says, “I grow in this relationship. The fact he ignores my passive-aggressive patterns forces me to be responsible for meeting my own needs and standing on my own two feet.”

Do the Shadows Bring Light?

Ultimately, these shadow partnerships remind us that our intimate relationships are one of the most powerful tools we have to grow and expand our self-awareness. When we choose to stay present with a partner whose inner world differs dramatically from our own, we experience a deeper level of self-understanding. Their strengths shine a light on our blind spots, and their patterns reveal our unconscious habits. 

When we approach these differences with curiosity instead of fear or judgement, conflict becomes a doorway instead of a dead end. In my research for The Nine Keys, I interviewed over 100 individuals about their relationships. Some had been married for decades. Some had split up after just a few months. One common theme was that their relationship was a big part of their own personal growth journey. And in this way, there is no failure or success. There is only growth and expansion.