Do You Need a Relationship Audit?

You probably wouldn’t go a year without checking in on your finances, career aspirations or personal goals. And yet, when it comes to romantic relationships, more than two-thirds of us admit that we don’t take the time to reflect on how things are going with our significant other. 

Maybe you assume everything is going fine, don’t want to rock the boat, or have been too busy to really sit down and talk. Whatever the reason, putting your relationship on auto-pilot can leave the two of you out of sync. After all, no one can read minds. Chances are, both you and your partner have thoughts and feelings that you haven’t shared.

That’s where a relationship audit comes in. In essence, a relationship audit is a conversation between you and your partner where you talk about the deeper aspects of your partnership. The aim is to understand what’s happening in each other’s lives, air any unspoken concerns, and ultimately leave the conversation feeling more like a team.

Ready to get started? Here’s how to conduct one. 

How to Do a Relationship Audit  

A relationship audit might sound scary, but it’s actually very straightforward. Think of it as a structured check-in—a dedicated time for you to have an honest, constructive conversation about what’s working in your relationship and identify any areas for improvement. Don’t wait until you’re not seeing eye to eye to have this conversation; it will work out much better if you’re relaxed and feeling upbeat.  

To get started, you’ll each need a pen and paper and a set of five questions to guide the conversation (more on that later). Start by agreeing on the questions you’ll both answer, then take 10–15 minutes to write down your responses. Once you’re done, take turns sharing what you wrote and discussing your thoughts.

The most important thing? Approach the audit with an open mind and a judgment-free attitude. It’s not always easy to hear what’s on your partner’s mind, just as it can be tough to share your own feelings. But when you commit to listening and seeking to understand each other’s perspectives, you’ll make your relationship stronger. 

And remember—relationship audits aren’t a one-off. Ideally, you should conduct one once a month or every other month to stay aligned. Treat it like a deep-dive date night, setting aside 30 minutes to an hour to focus solely on each other. 

Five Questions to Get You Started

To help you get started with a relationship audit, we’ve suggested five questions you can use.  You don’t need to use the exact phrasing listed below. But as a rule of thumb, it’s helpful to choose: 

• One question that enables you to praise each other 
• One question that helps you understand the other’s mindset  
• One question that allows you to air any problems 
• One question that gives you the opportunity to share what you’d like to see more of 
• One question that gets you excited for the future 

Here’s our take on that formula.

1. What are three things you are grateful for about our relationship?

To start the relationship audit off on a positive note, focus on this question first. This is a chance for you to share why you love your partner, take note of the little things they do, and remind them why they’re so important to you. 

For this question, try to be specific in your compliments and points. Generic phrases like “you make me laugh” or “you give great cuddles” are a nice start, but they’ll have more emotional impact if you give examples—think: when, why and how.  

2. How are you feeling?

This question opens the door for self-reflection. Look back at the last few weeks or months, and think about what’s been going well and not so well for you personally. How has work been going? How has your self-esteem been? What worries have been on your mind? What goals are you working towards? 

Your partner might already know the answers to some of these questions, but it will be helpful for them—and you—to explain your emotional landscape. In knowing each other's struggles and priorities, you can better support one another. 

3. Are there any issues you’ve been sitting on?

If you’ve swept any annoyances under the rug recently, this is your chance to share what’s been bothering you. Note, this is not code for ‘take it out’ on your partner. You want to build intimacy, not create conflict. To share your feelings in a constructive way, focus on making “I feel” statements, and focus on the event or issue rather than their actions. 

For example, instead of saying, “you never do the laundry”, you could say something like “I feel stressed when the laundry piles up. I’d really appreciate it if we could take turns with it.” Or, say your partner has a habit of going out a lot on the weekends. Rather than saying, “you’re never home”, you could say “I feel lonely when you are out having fun with friends. I would like to be invited sometimes.” 

Just from reading, you can see how this change in phrasing completely takes out any hostility, opening the floor for you to solve the problem together. 

4. How can I make you feel more loved and supported?

This question helps you understand each other’s love styles, goals and needs. Think about what you’d really love for your partner to do more of to make you happy. It might be helping you around the house more, going on more date nights or simply giving you more physical affection. Then, explain specific actions you’d like them to take, so they know exactly what you’d like to see.  

If you haven’t already, we suggest you both take the Love Styles test to nurture understanding with this question. For context, each of us relates to one of seven Love Styles—ways we like to give and receive love. Some people, for example, feel loved through words of affirmation, whilst others feel loved when their partner takes on some of the chores. Knowing each of your Love Styles will help you approach this question with deeper empathy, especially if your styles are different. 

5. What are some shared goals or plans you would like to work towards together?

Round-off the exercise with this fun, future-gazing question. Reflect on what you’d like to achieve or do together, either in the next month or year, and share your aspirations. Whether you want to go on holiday, see your mutual friends more or take on a DIY project, the aim is to end the audit on a high note. Even if you felt skeptical about the relationship audit in the beginning, this question should end the session strong and leave you both excited for what’s to come.