Here's Why Some Long-Distance Relationships Work and Others Fail, According to Experts

If you believe what you read on the internet, you might think that long-distance relationships are universally hated, and doomed to fail.

The harsh reality of being apart from your partner means that you miss out on the main benefits of being in a relationship— things like companionship, having everyday adventures together and pillow talk. Receiving little kisses on the head when you need them is hard when your partner is in another state. Then there's the stress of Zoom dates, organizing your next visit, coordinating PTO restrictions, trying to integrate family and friends. All so you can spend time together and carve out some semblance of normalcy and connection.

You might wonder if it's worth the effort.

But despite these difficulties, around 14 million couples in the U.S. are long distance. Research says that 35% of long-distance relationships (LDRs) fail, which means that 65% DON'T end in a break-up. Three out of every four engaged couples report having been in an LDR at some point in their dating history (same source), so the odds are good that an LDR can make it if you're willing to put in the work.

So, why do some long-distance relationships thrive and others crumble? We asked three experts  to weigh in on this question.

Attachment Style Dynamics in a Long Distance Relationship

Some therapists believe that struggling with—or preferring—long-distance relationships could reflect your attachment style. This powerful theory, developed in the mid-20th century by psychologist John Bowlby, suggests that the type of bond we form with our parents as children influences the types of relationships we create later in life.

There are several different attachment styles. Which one you have can, to some degree, predict the success of your long-distance relationship.

Anxious attachment

According to Certified Master Relationship Coach Amie Leadingham, “individuals with anxious attachment may have more challenges" with LDRs. Anxiously attached people long to feel close to their partners, yet fear that their partner is going to leave them. They "often struggle with separation anxiety and a need for reassurance,” Leadingham says, which means that loving from afar can feel unbearable.

“There’s a lot of jealousy, a lot of anxiety,” adds Dr. Abby Medcalf, psychologist, author, and podcast host of Relationships Made Easy with Dr. Abby Medcalf. She compares the drama seen on shows like 90 Day Fiancé to how an anxiously attached couple might behave in a long-distance relationship—constantly looking at their partner's social media, trying to track their whereabouts, and being possessive are all common behaviors.

“Trust has to be at a high premium in a long-distance relationship,” says Medcalf. She adds that insecurity, which causes jealousy, can derail a relationship fast.

Avoidant attachment

What about couples who prefer long distance relationships? (Yes, they do exist!) 

Medcalf says that actively choosing to keep your lives separate is a sign of an avoidant attachment style, where both partners lack the desire for closeness and intimacy. “People attached to long-distance relationships have some attachment thing going on where it feels the most comfortable not to be in daily contact or the distance feels good,” she says. 

In Medcalf's experience, these couples may feel safer in an LDR because they have more room for autonomy and there's less pressure to connect intimately—but they don’t do well when they try moving closer.

 “The bottom line with long-distance relationships is that there's a reason it works for you, and that reason doesn't usually translate well into in-person relationships or close relationships," she says. Changing the dynamic could lead to serious issues when one or both partners resent the other for making demands on their time or interfering with their independence. Keeping the relationship at a distance preserves that emotional space and keeps the fear of vulnerability at bay—the trick is, both partners need to want it.

However, according to dating and relationship coach Anna Morgan, two avoidantly attached people in an LDR "seem like a potential match only on the surface." Putting more distance between a couple that already struggles with emotional intimacy could be a recipe for disaster, where communication, trust and connection are just too difficult to maintain. We all know that LDRs are hard work—add in the challenges of an avoidant attachment style and it may just be too much.

Secure attachment

Where both partners have secure attachment, the odds of success in a long-distance relationship are far greater, Morgan says. 

“Secure people usually have a strong sense of self-worth, they usually trust each other. They usually maintain a balance between intimacy and independence,” she explains. Because they articulate their needs and figure things out together, “They can make it work, especially if they have concrete future goals. For example, if long-distance relationships are temporary or work-related, they can always make a plan for how to survive the temporary distance.” 

Medcalf agrees that secure attachment is a key factor in long-distance relationship success. But interestingly, she believes that most securely attached people will avoid long distance relationships from the get-go. If they end up in one, they’re going to find a way to move closer together on a quick timeline, she says.

Does Your Love Style Also Matter?

There's another factor that potentially could influence how well your LDR turns out: your love style.  “We can immediately say that people whose love language is a Physical Touch are going to suffer because they don't have that physical connection very often," Morgan says. Both she and Leadingham say that, of all the love languages, someone with a preference for Words of Affirmation would thrive better in a long-distance relationship since so much of their interaction would be verbal and written. 

Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation are two of Chapman's Five Love Languages (along with Quality Time, Receiving Gifts and Acts of Service). Truity's research suggests there are actually seven love styles, not five, and we've redefined some of the terms to better reflect modern relationship dynamics. The Physical love style lines up well with Chapman's Physical Touch Love Language, while Appreciation lines up with Words of Affirmation.

As to the rest of the love styles, our experts don't agree on whether they'd make a difference in an LDR. For example, while Leadingham says those with an Activity love style (similar to Chapman’s Quality Time) may suffer in a long-distance relationship unless they’re super creative about spending time together, Morgan says this love style is completely doable since the internet makes it easy to do activities together even when you're miles apart. “They can watch a movie together or have a deep conversation on the phone and still spend some quality time together,” she says. And those same couples being apart for a period of time could actually make them value the time they do spend together even more.

Medcalf adds an interesting counterpoint: she is skeptical of the theory that you have a primary love language, and thinks it can serve as a barrier to a couple’s success in any relationship, not just long-distance ones. “I have found it to be a real problem in a lot of relationships where people count [love languages] as the issue. That's the only way I feel loved. That's not true,” says Medcalf. “It is such a closed-minded approach to love. Love is abundant, love is amazing, love is magical.”

So, to sum up: while love styles can potentially impact how well you do in an LDR, your attachment style is likely more important. That's the aspect you need to focus on to make your long-distance relationship work.

Tips For Playing The Long Distance Game

If you have an anxious or avoidant attachment style, don’t despair. According to Leadingham, “While secure attachment generally provides a stronger foundation, individuals with other attachment styles can still succeed by developing self-awareness and working to heal attachment challenges.” Effective communication, mutual effort and shared goals are key, she says.

Here are a few things to try:

#1. Step away from intense date-night romance and do real-life stuff.

Instead of grand gestures which can feel more like fantasies than anything else, ask yourself,  “What do you really like to do day to day?” Medcalf says. “Just spend a day at home together, see what that is. Do you like to run errands together? Does it feel good?”  

Medcalf also says that co-mingling your everyday lives is something all long-distance couples should consider. “If you were living together, would you have done this or thought this or made this decision without talking to the other person?” asks Medcalf. You need to talk about your families, household habits, work schedules, and anything else that might affect your relationship, just as you would if you were living in the same place.

#2: Have serious conversations early.

“A lot of people fall in love and then serious problems start to occur because, ‘Oh, my job is too important or I have children.’ And then it has become a really difficult emotionally to end those relationships,” Morgan says. To avoid this, she recommends having the hard talks early.

That includes conversations about your finances. While it's tempting to think, 'we live apart, so we don't have to plan for our financial future together,' the opposite is true. LDRs involve a lot of expensive travel, so money should be one of the areas you look at when merging your worlds in a way that will help you survive this temporary distance. Medcalf recommends having the tough conversations about money and separating “what’s mine,” “what’s yours” and "what's ours" as you try to foster goals and closeness.

#3: Schedule regular communication and dates.

Morgan recommends you pick a day (or days) of the week to talk and stick to it. If you feel your partner isn’t giving you what you need, have a vulnerable discussion about it. Tell them, ‘I miss you and I'm feeling disconnected, is there anything we can do to feel more connected?'

“Getting creative with activities like virtual dates, such as online museum tours and movies/theater watching, can bridge the physical gap,” Leadingham adds. By being intentional about setting aside time to connect and have fun, you can keep the spark alive even when distance separates you.

#4: Plan for a future together.

For Leadingham, a clear reunion timeline is essential to help ease the anxiety of being apart. In the short-term, that involves making plans for the next time you'll see each other in person. In the long-term, both parties must be committed to a future in-person relationship if they want the LDR to succeed.

“Without this shared goal, couples may experience diminishing intimacy and emotional distance," Leadingham says. "The longevity of a long-distance relationship hinges on both partners [...] actively working towards a shared future together.”

#5: Be happy in your own life.

Being in a long-distance relationship is a balancing act between nurturing the relationship to its full potential and living your own life outside of it. “You should be very happy in your life, and then this person is a value add," Medcalf says. "It's even richer when they're around, maybe in different ways, but your life is very rich otherwise.” Focus on your own goals and interests, and bring that energy into your relationship. This can help you avoid becoming overly dependent on your partner for happiness and fulfillment.

“It's more likely that people who know themselves pretty well can succeed [in an LDR] because they can communicate their needs effectively. They can handle conflict better, and if something comes up in terms of their distance relationship, they can navigate it better," Morgan adds. Having the solidity of emotional self-awareness can help you ride out the toughest days of being apart from one another—and really, that's the foundation for building any healthy relationship, whether you're countries apart or in the same city.