How the Enneagram Can Help You Through Divorce, According to Those Who've Been There

The Harvard Happiness study, an ongoing research project spanning over 80 years, set out to answer a fundamental question: What makes a happy life?  The conclusion was clear — warm, personal relationships are the key. More than money, success or fame, it is deep, meaningful connections that bring lasting happiness and well-being.

With this in mind, it’s no surprise that divorce is one of life’s most painful experiences. The Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale, a list of 43 stressful life events that can contribute to illness, ranks divorce as the second highest event, surpassed only by the death of a spouse.  And sadly, with statistics showing that over 40% of first marriages end in divorce, millions of people go through one of life’s most painful experiences.

While divorce is undeniably painful, it can also offer an unexpected silver lining if you have the right tools. 

“The Enneagram allows people to see divorce not as a failure but as a catalyst for transformation,” says Kyle Corsiglia, a San Francisco-based therapist who incorporates the Enneagram into her practice. “Divorce is challenging, but the Enneagram provides a clear path forward, fostering greater peace, forgiveness and closure as people navigate the end of a relationship.”

Let’s have a closer look at how the Enneagram can help you navigate your divorce.

1. The Enneagram Helps You Recognize Your Habitual Patterns

Recognizing your default response styles and coping mechanisms can help you navigate the emotional landscape of your divorce more effectively. The Enneagram goes beyond simply identifying behavioral traits — it illuminates the subconscious beliefs that drive your actions, revealing both your patterns and blind spots. 

It even highlights what you instinctively avoid, offering deeper self-awareness during this challenging time.

For example, a Type 8 Challenger may seek confrontation and resist vulnerability. A Type 7 Enthusiast might escape into distractions to avoid negative emotions. By recognizing these tendencies, the Enneagram provides invaluable guidance on how you respond to stress, helping you navigate the landmines of  your separation with greater self-awareness and effectiveness.

Corsiglia shares, “One of my clients has been exploring the Enneagram while navigating his divorce, and discovering he’s a Type 9 Peacemaker has been a game-changer. He’s realized that his natural tendency to avoid conflict has led him to lose his voice around his ex-spouse and struggle to advocate for himself. But with this awareness, he’s begun taking action—engaging more with his attorney and ensuring his needs are represented. Knowing he’s not wired for confrontation, he’s intentionally bringing in support where he needs it most.”

Knowing your habitual patterns can help you make better, wiser choices.

2. The Enneagram Helps You Take Your Partner’s Behavior Less Personally

Divorce can make it easy to feel like every action from your partner is a personal attack. However, the Enneagram provides a powerful framework for understanding that their behavior is not necessarily about you — it’s a reflection of their own fears, coping mechanisms and worldview.

The Enneagram reveals that each type operates through its own lens, shaped by core fears and motivations that may be very different from your own. Recognizing this can create space for more understanding and less emotional reactivity.

Mary* first encountered the Enneagram through her couples therapist, and it completely changed the way she saw her husband. She learned that he’s a Type 6  Skeptic and  that he naturally fixates on worst-case scenarios. “This has given me so much more clarity. The things that used to frustrate me now make sense — I can literally see his Enneagram type playing out in real time. Instead of reacting, I’ve learned to listen in a way that helps him feel heard and understood, even when I completely disagree with his perspective.”

Recognizing your partner’s Enneagram type doesn’t offer an excuse for their behavior, but it does provide powerful insight into what’s driving it. This shift in perspective can foster deeper empathy, helping you see their point of view, understand what truly matters to them and navigate conflict with greater patience and clarity.

“I constantly see how the Enneagram gives my clients a way to take things less personally. It offers them more compassion and forgiveness for their partner. I’ve even seen healing and repair,” says Corsiglia.

3. The Enneagram Strengthens Communication

Divorce requires ongoing communication, especially when children are involved. Understanding both your own communication style and that of your ex-spouse can help minimize misunderstandings and reduce unnecessary conflict.

For example, if you discover you’re a Type 5 Investigator, you might recognize your tendency to withdraw and make a conscious effort to stay more engaged and express your needs more directly. If you learn your ex is a Type 8 Challenger, known for their direct and sometimes intense communication style, you can learn not to take their bluntness personally.

Richard realized that his ex-wife is a Type 3 Achiever, and this insight proved invaluable. “Knowing she’s highly image-conscious, I avoid saying or doing things that might make her feel like she’s being judged or ‘looking bad.’ That’s a major trigger for her and avoiding it prevents unnecessary conflict. Being mindful of this has led to smoother divorce negotiations and a more cooperative dynamic,” he says.

By leveraging the Enneagram, you can communicate with more awareness and grace, making interactions with your ex-spouse more constructive and less emotionally charged.

4. The Enneagram Helps You Rebuild Your Post-Divorce Identity

Divorce can feel like losing a part of yourself, especially if your identity was deeply intertwined with your marriage. You may find yourself wondering, “Who am I without this relationship?” This period of transition can be disorienting, leaving you unsure of your values, desires and even your sense of self.

The Enneagram serves as a powerful tool for self-discovery and rebuilding. By helping you understand your core motivations, fears and strengths, it provides a framework for rediscovering who you are outside of your relationship. Instead of defining yourself by past roles — spouse or co-parent — you can use this insight to shape a new, more authentic version of yourself.

For example, a Type 2 Giver who poured themselves into their marriage might realize that their sense of worth isn’t dependent on taking care of others. A Type 1 Perfectionist may begin to understand that their relentless drive to do things “right” sometimes created unnecessary pressure in the relationship, and that learning to play more could open the door to more self-compassion and a greater sense of ease. A Type 4 Individualist might recognize how their moodiness made them withdraw or created a push-pull dynamic in their relationship. By acknowledging their emotional depth without getting lost in it, they can begin to find balance and connection in healthier ways.

By embracing your Enneagram type’s unique strengths and growth areas, you can make more intentional choices about your future. Whether it’s pursuing long-forgotten passions, setting healthier boundaries or redefining what happiness looks like for you, the Enneagram offers a roadmap for creating a life that feels more aligned with who you truly are. Instead of seeing divorce as the end of your story, you can use it as a turning point — an opportunity to step into a fuller, more empowered version of yourself.  

“The Enneagram helps my clients reclaim disowned parts of themselves,” says Corsiglia.  “It gives them a blueprint of themselves and reminds them of their innate strengths and talents.” 

5. The Enneagram Can Accelerate the Healing Process

The Enneagram provides a powerful lens for understanding what went wrong in a relationship, without placing blame. Rather than viewing the breakdown as a personal failure, it offers an objective framework for recognizing how both partners’ personality patterns, fears and motivations contributed to the challenges.

By revealing these deeper dynamics, the Enneagram helps you see your role in the relationship’s struggles and identify growth areas for the future. Perhaps one partner’s fear of vulnerability led to emotional distance, while the other’s need for control created tension. Maybe differing communication styles or conflict-avoidance patterns prevented honest discussions from taking place. Whatever the case, this insight allows for reflection and self-awareness without shame.

This newfound understanding isn’t just about making sense of the past — it’s a valuable tool for moving forward. By recognizing personal tendencies and areas for growth, you can cultivate healthier patterns in future relationships, whether romantic, familial or professional.  Ultimately, this knowledge has the power to enrich all current and future relationships, transforming past pain into a stepping stone for personal growth and healthier, more fulfilling connections.

“The Enneagram didn’t prevent my divorce, but it helped me a lot to restore my relationship with my children. I managed to get them interested in the Enneagram, and it has helped all of our family dynamics,” shares Mark. He used the system to better understand his own emotional patterns and communicate more effectively with his kids.

Final Words

Taking an Enneagram test is an unlikely priority when going through a divorce. But as these personal experiences show, recognizing and embracing your Enneagram type offers a path to alchemy, changing divorce from a painful event into a catalyst for transformation and a new life. Everyone deserves to have a 'good' divorce. The Enneagram can help you develop effective coping strategies, improve communication and rebuild your identity, using your divorce as the gateway for your new life.

*Names have been changed to protect privacy.