How to Spot Signs of Low Emotional Intelligence on a First Date

A first date doesn’t really give you much to go on when it comes to figuring out someone’s emotional intelligence. Everyone tries to put their best foot forward, steers clear of saying anything blunt or controversial, and small talk rules the night. Still, even in a limited-in-scope interaction like a coffee date, there are subtle cues that can signal your date has poor EQ. 

Here’s how to spot signs of low EQ on a first date without turning it into a psychoanalytic interrogation. 

They Dominate the Conversation

Either your date spends the majority of the time talking about themselves, or they use every opportunity to interject and steer the conversation to their own experiences and opinions.

For example, if you begin to share something like, “I’ve been overwhelmed at work lately,” and they respond with, “Yeah, same. My manager is such a nightmare…” and then proceed with their own venting without asking how you’re holding up, that’s a major red flag across multiple components of the EQ construct.

First, this kind of response shows lack of social awareness. Your date is missing the cue that you’ve opened up and may be looking for emotional support. It also shows lack of empathy because they clearly are not understanding how you feel. They don’t even acknowledge the emotional experience you shared.

Some people with low EQ might also take over the conversation because they have an unconscious need to be heard or validated, and they just can’t hold it in. If your date uses your disclosure as a springboard for their own venting, that shows a lack of emotional control. Your date cannot resist their urge to unload their emotional baggage, even when it’s your turn to speak.

They Brush Off Or Redirect Emotional Topics

You don’t need to go deep into childhood wounds on a first date, but people with good EQ are usually comfortable talking about feelings. So, if you say you’ve been feeling “off” lately or are burnt-out after a rough week, and they brush it off with toxic positivity, like “Come on, cheer up, you’re fine now,” that could be a sign they’re uncomfortable sitting with emotional stuff. 

People tend to give advice based on what they’d do themselves. If your date tells you to “cheer up” or suggests hitting a bar to forget about it, that might be how they deal with their own tough emotions — with distraction or numbing.

Even if they acknowledge your emotional experience with a routine “Sorry to hear that” but then swiftly change the subject, that could still be a low-EQ red flag.

Someone with decent EQ, on the other hand, would respond with genuine curiosity or care. They might say something like, “That sounds tough. Do you want to talk about it?” or “I’ve had weeks like that too, what’s been going on?” They don’t need to launch into a full-on therapy session (actually, that could also be a red flag), but they’d be comfortable holding space for your feelings without brushing them off or suggesting a quick fix like drinking the feelings away. 

They Don’t Read the Room

Low EQ can also show up as an inability to read the room, such as pressing a topic after you’ve clearly shown you don't want to dive into the details.

For example, if your date asks a personal question like, “Why did your last relationship end?” and you respond vaguely with “It was complicated” while looking away, but they keep pushing, (“What happened?”) that's a sign they have low social awareness. They’re not just being nosy, they’re ignoring the cues you’re giving off.

An emotionally intelligent person wouldn’t press further as they are sensitive to these kinds of cues. They would gracefully let the topic go and change the subject to something more lighthearted.

They Make Judgmental or Dismissive Comments

If your date casually judges a waiter or a stranger in the crowd, or they speak harshly about an ex without considering what might have been going on beneath the surface, it's a telltale sign of low empathy. For example, they may say something like, "Wow, look at what that guy’s wearing! Some people have no sense of style" or even “My ex was a total psycho.” Beyond lack of empathy, comments like these suggest they build themselves up by putting others down — a telling sign of insecurity.

People with high EQ, on the other hand, don’t throw those kinds of comments because they approach others with empathy—or at the very least, with curiosity or kindness. And if they can’t relate at all, they simply say nothing. Plus, they don’t need to mock strangers to feel good about themselves as their sense of self-worth isn’t rooted in self-comparison.

Even if your date doesn't say anything overtly judgmental, you can still get a read. Try mentioning a time someone upset you — maybe a friend bailed on plans or a coworker was inconsiderate — and share how it made you feel. How do they respond? 

Do they jump in to bash the other person just to validate your emotions? Or do they express a more nuanced and inclusive take, like wondering what might have been going on with the other person to make them behave that way, while acknowledging your feelings, too? If it’s all one-sided and reactionary, that’s a low EQ indicator. It might hint at people-pleasing tendencies, too. 

They Overshare

When someone dives deep into heavy, personal stuff on a first date, like ex drama or family issues, it’s another signal of a social awareness gap. This person has not grasped what is  appropriate in different social contexts — first dates are not the setting for such intense disclosures because they require a level of emotional readiness and mutual trust that has not yet been established. 

It also reflects low empathy. Sharing such personal matters too soon can make the other person uncomfortable and indicates a lack of sensitivity to social norms that guide the dating game. 

On the other hand, emotionally intelligent people tend to pace self-disclosure. They are extremely unlikely to emotionally dump on a first date or rush emotional intimacy with someone they barely know. They prioritize their emotional well-being, so they’ll take their time before baring their soul to someone who might potentially be unsafe or toxic.

Final Thoughts

You don’t need to grill your date with personal questions or have them take an EQ test to gauge their level of emotional intelligence — that’s a sure way to kill the vibe! But paying quiet attention to how they speak, respond and listen can save you time and energy down the line. One or two awkward moments? Normal. A pattern of emotional disconnects? That’s worth watching. Because with low EQ, it rarely gets better on date two.