Who's Really In Control, You or Your Emotions? Here’s How to Tell

Ever feel like your emotions are driving the bus while you’re just holding on for dear life? Author Shannon Alder nailed it when she said, “Feelings are something you have; not something you are.” When emotions hit hard, it’s easy to forget that, but they don’t have to run your life.

Learning to manage your emotions is a key part of emotional intelligence. It takes time and effort, especially if you are the type of person who wears their heart on their sleeve or reacts before you even have the chance to think. But emotional control is a skill anyone can build, no matter where you’re starting from.

So, how do you know if your emotions are running the show? Here are six signs you might be giving your feelings a little too much power—and what you can do to take back control.

6 Signs You’re a Slave to Your Emotions 

1. You Live on the Fly

Instead of carefully weighing up decisions, you go with how you feel in the moment. While this can be fun and spontaneous, it can also cause problems—like when you impulsively text your ex at midnight, or quit your job after a bad day. Maybe you blurt out whatever’s on your mind, only to regret it later when you realize you’ve hurt a friend’s feelings. These snap decisions can lead to stress, anxiety and strained relationships.

2. Your Moods Make Your Decisions

You have an important commitment—maybe dinner with friends or a work deadline—but when the time comes, you just don’t feel up to it, so you cancel or bail at the last minute. Who hasn’t been tempted to do this when tired or stressed? But if this becomes your default, your moods are calling the shots. Not only are you letting others down, but you might be missing out on experiences that help you grow.

3. You Struggle to Shift Your Bad Moods 

Your boss upsets you at 10 am, and by 8 pm, you’re still replaying the conversation in your head, stewing about it while trying to relax at home. Or maybe a friend’s offhand comment leaves you feeling down for days, coloring everything else gray. Instead of finding ways to lift your mood, you stay stuck under that black cloud, letting one bad moment ruin your whole day (or week).

4. You Blow Up at Small Things 

If you regularly lose your temper over minor annoyances—snapping at your partner for leaving dishes in the sink, or yelling at traffic when you’re running late—it’s a sign your emotions are running hot. Maybe you find yourself slamming doors over a spilled coffee or getting disproportionately angry when plans change. These OTT outbursts often point to deeper stress, and they can leave you feeling drained and disconnected from those around you.

5. You Avoid Uncomfortable Feelings 

It might sound odd, but being a slave to your emotions can also mean running from them. Maybe you binge-watch shows to avoid thinking about your anxiety, or scroll endlessly on your phone to drown out feelings of sadness or jealousy. If you dodge certain emotions because they’re uncomfortable, you’re letting them control you from the shadows, rather than facing and understanding them.

6. You Feel Out of Control 

If you often find yourself saying, “I don’t know why I said that” / “I didn’t mean to react that way” / “I don't know what got into me,” it can be a signal that your emotions are hijacking your actions. Maybe you lash out, withdraw or make choices you can’t explain—even to yourself. Over time, this can leave you feeling helpless, like you’re not steering your own life but just reacting to whatever comes your way.

Tips for Better Emotional Regulation

If your feelings are behaving like that friend who moves in uninvited and never leaves, it’s time to set some boundaries. Here are some simple, practical ways to boost your emotional regulation:

Cultivate Emotional Awareness

You can’t manage what you don’t notice. Start by checking in with yourself during the day—especially when you feel off. Ask, “What exactly am I feeling right now?” Maybe you’re not just “annoyed,” you’re disappointed, or maybe you’re anxious underneath that anger. Simply naming your emotions can help you pause, breathe and feel a little less overwhelmed.

Try this: The next time you’re upset, take a moment to write down what you’re feeling and what triggered it. For example, “I’m frustrated because my coworker interrupted me in the meeting.” Let yourself feel it for a few minutes, without judgment or trying to fix it immediately. As Psychology Today explains, sitting with your feelings helps you process and respond, rather than just react.

Try Cognitive Reappraisal 

Cognitive reappraisal is a research-backed strategy that helps you change the way you interpret a situation, reducing its emotional sting. Instead of spiraling into “I always mess things up,” you might reframe it as, “I’ve had setbacks before, but I usually figure things out in the end.” This shift can calm your emotions and help you respond more thoughtfully.

For example, if you’re fuming because your partner left dirty dishes in the sink (again), pause and ask yourself: “Is my anger really about the dishes, or am I feeling unappreciated?” You might also consider, “Will this matter a week from now?” or “What’s a healthier way to deal with this frustration?” By challenging automatic thoughts and looking for alternative explanations, you break the cycle of emotional overreaction and regain a sense of control.

Pause and Be Mindful

When a strong emotion hits, give yourself a few minutes before reacting. Mindfulness exercises—like focusing on your breath, feeling your feet on the ground or scanning your body for tension—can anchor you in the present and help you make clearer choices.

For instance, if you’re about to fire off an angry email, close your eyes and take five slow breaths first. Notice the urge to react, but let it pass before you decide what to do next. Research shows that mindfulness not only reduces the intensity of distressing emotions but also helps you recover from them more quickly, so you don’t stay stuck in a bad mood.

Final Thoughts

If you recognize these patterns in yourself, know that emotional regulation is something you can develop over time. By becoming more aware of your feelings, shifting how you interpret situations, and pausing before reacting, you’ll create more balance in your emotional life. This leads to less stress, greater clarity and the ability to bounce back from challenges with more ease. Your emotions can become a source of strength instead of something that controls you.