The X Factor: Why Some People Have It and Some People Don’t

Some people walk into a room, and it’s as if a light switches on. They draw your attention beyond a quick glance, or even a double take. Their presence is magnetic, even though they're not doing anything special. And those around them may be left wondering, "What do they have that I don’t?”

Before you assume this person is a mystical unicorn, hold onto your hat. Their intangible X factor that makes them so darn appealing might have a really simple explanation: they just score higher on the traits of Extraversion and Agreeableness than you do. 

The Big Five: How Your Personality Affects Your Magnetism

The Big Five personality system measures personality across five dimensions: Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism.

Two of these dimensions—Extraversion and Agreeableness—are particularly important when it comes to having the 'X' factor. This may not be surprising when you think about the characteristics that are associated with them: enthusiasm, friendliness and social connection  (Extraversion), as well as kindness, empathy and cooperativeness (Agreeableness).

Agreeableness: the friendliness trait

“If you're high in Agreeableness, people are going to be drawn to you,” says John Burch, executive coach, Big Five assessment coach, and owner of Greatest Factor LLC. That’s because they love to interact with others in a  cooperative and harmonious way, which may cause others to flock to them. 

People with higher Agreeableness are generally more empathetic. They notice when you’re sad and having a bad day and go out of their way to listen to you so you’ll feel better.  In the words of American psychiatrist Karl A. Menninger, “Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force. The friends who listen to us are the ones we move toward. When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand.” That's the power of empathy; it makes people feel heard and understood. It creates positive relationships, and that is something everyone gravitates towards.

Professor at The Chicago School of Professional Psychology, psychologist, and co-founder of Relationship Visions, Inc., Melody Bacon, agrees that a higher percentage of your Agreeableness will contribute to whether someone has a magnetic personality. 

Citing a long-running Harvard study called “The Good Life,” she explains that positive relationships are the primary factor for happiness above everything else—including your career, finances and overall success. Agreeableness is predictive of whether or not we are going to have positive relationships because it’s about how we relate, communicate and get along with others. 

Extraversion: the connection trait

Extraversion is also key in magnetic people, as it is the highest contributing factor to how much you attract other people. 

Introverts, for example, have a tendency to process their thoughts before they speak, because they may be anxious about  what they’re going to say and how other people are going to perceive what they say.  According to Bacon, this tendency might hinder them from making immediate social connections. 

Mentioning the book The Laws of Connection: The Scientific Secrets of Building a Strong Social Network, Bacon says there’s interesting research about how people’s predictions about how others will respond to them are generally false. “One of our defaults tends to be that we generally aren't very good at predicting how well people will respond to us. We're usually quite pessimistic,” says Bacon. 

So when you assume that someone will think you’re awkward, a poor conversationalist or sort of “out there,” you’re most likely projecting wrongly. “In reality, people respond much more positively than would be predicted by the vast majority of people,” she says.

How this factors into your magnetic attraction is simple. While an Introvert might worry about how others will perceive them, Extraverted people are less likely to do so. They’re much bolder and braver at connecting with people as a result. “An Extravert tends to talk out loud and then by the time they're done talking, they kind of have things figured out. So as a result, they're going to be more likely to chit chat with somebody that they don't know,” Bacon explains.  

They’re not as worried about the potential negative reaction of others to their approach, so they’ll just go for it. This boldness generates a kind of energy and enthusiasm that others can’t help but notice.

It’s the combination that matters

High Agreeableness on its own doesn’t create magnetism—you can be warm and empathetic but as solitary as a polar bear. The same goes for Extraversion—we've all met the loudest person at the party, and ... well, let's just say they were a little less than magnetic. 

The magic happens when Agreeableness and Extraversion intersect.

But what does that look like? 

According to Burch, “high Agreeableness is all heart.” Someone with high Agreeableness views life as a journey rather than a destination, he says, and these people tend to seek the positive emotions of life. When high Agreeableness meets high Extraversion, a person not only leads with their heart and seeks positivity but also feels (and behaves) enthusiastically around others. They consistently inject “positive vibes” into their interactions with others through joy and zeal. 

In short, high Agreeableness and Extraversion together result in a person who’s cooperative, positive, highly social and warm.

If you have high Agreeableness and moderate Extraversion, you may not be as attractive to others as someone who scores high in both. That’s because you likely have more tendency to withdraw, and not always be as socially open, as someone who, say, scores 90% on each of those traits. The same goes for having moderate Agreeableness and high Extraversion—you may lack the consistent temperament to draw people in compared to someone who scores high on both traits. The Big Five is a spectrum. The higher you are, the more likely you are to exude charm consistently.

What Else Makes Someone Magnetic To Be Around?

While Agreeableness and Extraversion may have a lot to do with whether you attract others to you, other factors weigh in. For example, your body language, facial expressions and mindset can all play a role in making others drawn to you.

In a TED Talk, social psychologist Amy Cuddy argues that adopting a confident posture (even if you feel the opposite) can increase your confidence and give you an aura of magnetism. A study in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin shows how being open with your emotions and facial expressions—literally wearing your heart on your sleeve—can make others like and feel attracted to you. And another study found that nonverbal cues make all the difference—if a study participant was visibly happy upon entering the study, so were the other participants.

As for a person's mindset, “Taking an interest in somebody else is very attractive to the other person," Bacon explains. "When you go in with a mindset of 'I want to get to know this other person,' you're going to convey that in your body language as well as what you actually say and do.”

That alignment between what you think, what you say and how you behave is what really determines how much you attract other people. Burch says it's “about being in alignment with your personality, being aware of it and living it.” If you recognize and truly know yourself, the “you” you put forward will feel authentic to others around you, which Burch argues may help you be more attractive to others.

In other words, personality type does play into how you attract people—but only if you’re truly in touch with your true self and act accordingly. If you’re an Introvert pretending to be an Extravert, people might pick up on your discomfort and notice you, in fact, aren’t being authentic.

“I tell people that everybody has it. What matters is whether you're living it or not [by embracing] your primary temperament,” Burch says.