8 Common Phrases You May Not Realize Are “Personality Shaming”

Personality shaming is when you make someone feel inferior by criticizing them for having certain traits. While it can involve sarcasm or direct insults, usually it’s more subtle. You might be giving people personality-shaming comments without realizing it, and be damaging their confidence in the process. 

Shaming in all its forms is telling the person that you're not okay with who they are. Since we can't really change our core personalities, those messages are going to cut deep. So how do you know if you are personality shaming someone? Read on for some common phrases that could rub people the wrong way and what to say instead. 

1. “Why are you so quiet?” 

You might use this phrase as a way to encourage someone to speak up and engage with others, but it can be upsetting to the person on the receiving end of it. If they’re an introvert, you’ve put them right on the spot. Introverts need time to plan and think through their thoughts before speaking, and asking them to talk on demand can be stressful for them. Plus, labeling someone as “quiet” implies that this is a negative trait. Do you really want your best employee feeling like they’re not assertive enough for a promotion?

What to say instead: “I’d love to hear your thoughts.” This is a gentler way of reaching out to someone who you’d like to see step out of their shell.

2. “You think/worry too much.” 

You might have good intentions when using this sentence. If you can see that your friend is spiraling into negativity, for example, you might feel the need to snap them out of it and bring some perspective. The problem is, it invalidates their feelings. If they’re knee-deep in stress, it might be difficult for them to step outside of their emotions. The last thing they need is someone making them feel bad for it.

What to say instead: “Sometimes it’s okay to let things be. What would happen if you took a break from this?" This shows your concern and lets the person reflect on their behavior or feelings, so they can come to their own conclusions.

3. “You should let loose.” 

Telling someone to “let loose” is the verbal equivalent of passing over a Tequila shot at the bar. It sounds all fun and flirty, but what you're actually doing is pushing the other person to do what you want. It's also pretty insulting because it implies the other person is uptight or doesn’t know how to have fun. Maybe they don’t want to be dancing on tables or screaming karaoke — there are many ways for people to enjoy themselves!

What to say instead: “You know what we might find fun? _____” It's great because of the open-endedness. This gives them the option to opt in or out without feeling judged.

4. “You’re too much.”

You might tell a friend or partner this in a joking way if they’ve done something dramatic or they're super pumped about something that happened in their day. But telling them “You’re too much” is basically telling them to stop talking because it’s annoying/ frustrating/ overwhelming you. It’s a toxic phrase because you're asking them to cut themselves down to be more acceptable to you. Ugh.

What to say instead: Honestly, it’s better not to say anything at all and just listen to what they have to say! If you must say something, you can always show your support and ask for more details on what they’re excited about.

5. “You always feel that way!”

This one fails on two levels. For one, you're very obviously brushing off their feelings in the hopes they'll snap out of it. It’s not supportive of where they’re at. For another, it's incredibly limiting. If someone “always” feels a certain way, it shows you think they have a fixed mindset and are not capable of change. Not that it's your job to change anyone, but it's important to show that you believe in their potential.

What to say instead: “Why do you feel that way?” Framing your statement as a question makes it less confrontational and more compassionate. Avoid using absolutes like “always” or “never” because they exaggerate the issue and can spark the other person’s defensiveness. 

6. “I’d never do that.” 

Of course you wouldn't, because you are so much better than the person standing in front of you, right? Telling someone you wouldn't do something that they did is a direct jab at their decision-making. You're basically saying “Wow, how could you be so stupid?” Trust me when I say this comes across as self-righteous. Not a good look!

What to do instead: Follow the rule that unless someone has explicitly asked for your advice, you should keep it to yourself.

7. “You’re too nice for your own good.” 

On the surface, this one is pretty sweet. Who doesn't want to be seen as a nice person? But what you're actually saying is they're a doormat, they don’t have boundaries, or they’re too weak to stand up for themselves. There's a lot of judgement loaded into this seemingly innocent phrase.

What to do instead: "You have such a big heart, but it's  important to take care of yourself too. Maybe you can try setting some boundaries?" This is more constructive while showing your support and being a good friend. 

8. “How are you always so chilled?”

Although it’s a positive thing to be calm and chilled — that serene person in your contacts is definitely who you’ll be calling during an emergency — you need to be very careful of your tone with this one. Said in the wrong way, it can give the impression that your friend or colleague is apathetic or not focusing on the reality of the situation. It’s almost like they should be freaking out and there’s something wrong with them because they’re keeping cool! 

What to do instead: Phrase it as a compliment: “I admire how you stay cool during heated moments.” If you really want to support them, you could ask them for some tips.