Are They Really Not Ready for a Relationship Or Is It Just An Excuse?

People might tell you all kinds of reasons they are “not ready for a relationship.” 

They might say that they want to focus on their studies or career, that they have a lot on their plate, that they want to work on themselves first, and so on. They might say they're happy with how things are, so why change it?

While these reasons may be valid to some extent, they often mask deeper, more complex fears. So, what’s really behind the “I’m not ready for a relationship” excuse?

#1. They’re Keeping Their Options Open

Sometimes, the “not ready for a relationship” excuse is just a way to keep someone around without committing. Because let’s be real—finding the right person isn’t easy. When you meet someone who ticks all the boxes—physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually—you wouldn’t want to lose them, right? You’d want to be with them. So, if someone says they’re not ready for a relationship, it might simply mean they don’t want a relationship with you.

This situation can be heartbreaking, especially if you feel a strong connection. It’s natural to wonder if you did something wrong or if there’s something lacking in you. However, you shouldn’t take it personally because this behavior doesn’t reflect your worth. The fact that they’re dating you means they like you and enjoy your company, but deep down, they might feel like something is missing. In other words, they’re enjoying the benefits of your companionship but don’t want to hurt your feelings by saying that they don’t see a future together.

While there’s nothing wrong with dating someone casually and having fun while waiting for a special someone, both parties should be clear about what the relationship is all about. So, if you suspect you’re being led on, have an honest conversation with the person about how you feel and what you want from the relationship. If their response continues to be vague or non-committal, it might be time to move on.

#2. Feeling “Not Good Enough”

Feeling not good enough is another big reason people might say they’re not ready for a relationship. They fear that, once in a relationship, spending more time together will expose their flaws. By keeping things casual and only seeing each other occasionally, they can maintain their façade. 

Take ENFPs, for example. These types are warm and creative but can struggle with self-doubt, fearing that deeper involvement will reveal their less-than-idea self. This is why they might prefer the safety of casual dating over the potential pain of rejection in a more serious relationship.

You might notice this if the person you’re dating is hot and cold with their communication. One moment they’re engaging and affectionate and the next they’re pulling back without any clear reason. This back-and-forth shows their internal struggle with wanting to be with you but fearing that they aren’t good enough. They might also be overly secretive—keeping you at a distance, sharing minimal private information, avoiding inviting you to their place or introducing you to their friends—because they’re scared of exposing themselves.

If you find yourself in this dynamic, express your feelings in a non-confrontational way. Let them know you’ve noticed the inconsistencies and attempts to keep you at arm’s length, and ask if there’s something they’re struggling with. At the same time, make sure their inconsistency doesn’t lead to a one-sided relationship where your needs are constantly unmet. Be clear about what you need from the relationship to feel fulfilled and respected.

3. Fear of Vulnerability

Being in a relationship means opening up and sharing your deepest thoughts and feelings, which can be terrifying for some. For example, logical and goal-oriented types like INTJ and ENTJ may do everything in their power to avoid emotional discussions, and may pull back if you push too far, too soon. Or, you may be dealing with someone who has lower emotional intelligence than you.

People who are scared to open up might wear what author Brené Brown calls the "armor of vulnerability." This is where they use different defensive strategies to protect themselves from getting emotionally exposed. They might deflect serious conversations about the relationship, share minimal personal details or avoid talking about their feelings altogether. They may also struggle to show affection or get uncomfortable when the relationship starts to deepen. If you notice these patterns, it’s likely their hesitance stems from the fear of being emotionally vulnerable.

To navigate this situation, try self-disclosure. When you share personal thoughts, feelings or experiences, it creates an environment of trust and openness. This can help the other person see that it’s okay to open up and be vulnerable with you. 

4. Not Being Over an Ex

Not being over an ex translates into a feeling of not being ready for a new relationship. On the outside, they might be dating someone new, but inside, they are still healing from a breakup and dealing with lingering feelings for an ex. 

They might even want to get back with their ex and feel guilty for “leading you on” while someone else is still on their mind. Idealistic types like INFPs are especially bad at letting go of past heartbreaks. They might see their old relationship through rose-colored glasses and constantly compare new partners to their ex.

It's a tricky situation because, unless the person tells you they’re not completely over their ex, you can’t know what’s going on in their head. But one telltale sign is that they frequently bring up their past relationship. 

If you find yourself in this situation, try to express your concerns without sounding accusatory. You could say something like, “I’ve noticed you often mention your ex, and I want to make sure you’re okay with where we are.” If their feelings for an ex are affecting your relationship, let them know if it feels hurtful. For example, constant comparisons to their ex or sharing fond memories about that relationship might need to be addressed.

5. It’s Just Too Soon

Sometimes, the “not ready for a relationship” line comes up because the topic was brought up too soon. Some people are eager to jump into relationships, while others are cautious and need more time to really get to know someone before committing. 

This can be for a bunch of reasons. Maybe they’ve had past experiences where rushing into a relationship led to disappointment because the other person turned out to be quite different on closer inspection. Maybe they’re just cautious by nature and like to take their time to make sure they know what they’re signing up for. The Sensor-Judgers of the 16-type system and Enneagram Sixes definitely fall into this category.

If you find yourself in a situation where the topic of commitment seems to be moving too fast for them, understand that it doesn’t mean they aren’t interested in you. It might just mean they want to build a solid foundation first and make sure the relationship has a real chance of flourishing before putting a label on it. 

In this case, it’s actually a good sign. Patience can lead to a deeper connection and understanding, whereas someone who is too eager to jump into a relationship can be a cause for concern. So, try to enjoy the journey instead of rushing to the destination. And who knows? By giving it the time it needs, you might discover something truly special together.

6. Having Too Much on Their Plate

Sometimes, life just gets in the way of committing to a relationship. Major life changes like moving to a new city, starting a demanding job, or dealing with family issues can drain so much mental energy that there’s nothing left for romance. Even if they have the time, they might not have the emotional bandwidth to dive into a relationship. 

For example, they could be super stressed about their job or going through an extreme life situation, like a family member being terminally ill. When they think about getting into a relationship, it can feel overwhelming. They might worry that if things go sideways, they’ll just end up blowing up from all the stress. In these cases, when they say they're “not ready,” it might actually be a real reflection of what’s going on in their lives.

However, it can still be an excuse. They might just not want to commit to you but still want to keep you around, using the “too much on my plate” line as a way out. That’s why it all comes down to your gut feeling. If you genuinely believe their hesitance comes from being overwhelmed, don’t push for more than they can give. Tell them that you understand and that you are there for them. While supporting them, don’t forget to take care of yourself, too. Do things that make you happy, hang out with friends and lean on your support network. And if you end up meeting someone else, well… that’s just how life goes!

Final Words

Ultimately, when someone says they’re not ready for a relationship—no matter the reason—it’s best to believe them. If they’re leading you on while waiting for the right person or are still hung up on their ex (possibly using you as a rebound), it’s probably best to walk away. But if they’re struggling with emotional vulnerability or self-esteem, or just have too much going on, it might be worth giving them time.

That said, you shouldn’t put your life on hold waiting for them to resolve their issues and come along. Your well-being must come first. If you’re feeling unhappy being stuck in limbo and want to date someone you could potentially build a life with, then it might be time to move on.