How to Survive the Holidays with a Narcissistic Family Member
‘Tis the season to set boundaries.
It’s the most wonderful time of year. At least, it is for people who don’t have a narcissistic family member lurking around. For you, the holiday season can be an altogether trickier time. Quality time with your loved ones can quickly be derailed if you get on the wrong side of this challenging person.
So, how do you survive the holidays with a narcissist?
While there’s no magic potion that will make it a breeze, there are some tactics you can use to make the season a little jollier.
What is Narcissism?
If you suspect your family member has narcissistic tendencies, chances are, you’re pretty familiar with the playbook. But, for argument’s sake, let’s start with a quick definition. Narcissism is a collective term for an array of egotistical traits, including:
- Exaggerated self-importance
- Grandiosity
- Lack of empathy
- Feelings of superiority
- Controlling others
When a person displays a combination of the above, they may well be a narcissist.
But of course, not all narcissism looks the same. It exists on a spectrum, ranging from a diagnosable personality disorder at one end to a mix of milder, everyday traits at the other. In fact, more people than you’d think show some level of narcissistic behavior — especially under stress or during those high-pressure family gatherings.
Ways a Narcissist Ruins the Holidays
You know the drill. There’s a million tiny ways that a narcissistic family member can swoop in and steal your holiday spirit. Let’s take a look at some of the most common scenarios and some ways you can handle each situation:
Changing plans last minute
The holidays are stressful enough without the plans changing at the very last minute. Let’s say you’re on your way to pay your parents a flying visit before you go on to the in-laws. You don’t have much time to spare, but you’re making it work. Right before you arrive, your narcissistic mom calls to say you’ll need to come three hours later. She tells you about some crisis that has shifted the entire schedule back. And, when you say you can’t make it, she makes it your fault.
Suddenly, you’re in the bad books and — through no fault of your own — you’ve ruined her Christmas. Switching the plans at the last minute can happen. But it can also be a subtle way that a narcissist controls you and gains the upper hand by making themselves a victim.
How to handle this:
Bending over backwards to accommodate the narcissist is exactly what they want. The minute you start playing their game, you’ve already lost. The best way to handle the situation is to stay cool, calm and collected when dealing with them.
Be level-headed and say something like, “Sorry, we have a tight schedule, so we won’t be able to move things around at the last minute.” This doesn’t place the blame on them, but it is firm enough to let them know that you’re not willing to shoulder the blame for their mistake.
Dominating every conversation
Feel like you can’t get a word in edgeways? You might just be right. Narcissists tend to dominate conversations at the best of times, and this is only amplified during the holidays. This is a problem known as “conversational narcissism,” and it can be a real bore.
The narcissistic family member might turn every conversation back on themselves, looking for any way that they can to steal the limelight. Equally, you might find them being louder or more talkative than everyone else. They claim that they have no idea they’re doing this, but you don’t believe them.
How to handle this:
Take a breath — literally. It’s easy to get caught up in the moment and try to compete for air time. If you stay quiet for a few minutes, the narcissist will likely run out of steam. The moment that happens, you will get the chance to speak up and have a nice conversation.
Staying calm and speaking slowly sends a subtle message to the narcissist. You’re letting them know that this is the way you want to communicate.
Being overly competitive
The holidays are a recipe for competitiveness. Whether it’s who made the most delicious dinner to who gave the best gifts, there are plenty of things that a narcissist can sink their teeth into. One of the more subtle ways that they may ruin things is by looking for validation at every turn.
The minute you get a gift from them or start eating their “famous baked ham,” all eyes will be on you. Your narcissistic family member will be eagerly waiting for the praise that they are certain they deserve. And they don’t just want you to say that they’ve done well. They want you to be clear that this is the best thing you’ve ever had — better than anything else.
How to handle this:
Avoid feeding into the drama. If you feel comfortable doing so, you could make light of it. For instance, you could say “You know I always love your baked ham,” and when they follow up asking if it’s the best ham you’ve ever had, you could say “Yes. Definitely the best today.”
If you’re worried that it will backfire, keep things simple. Be genuine when you give a compliment, but don’t over-egg it. Steer clear of making direct comparisons, such as “your gift was better than Aunt Vera’s gift,” as these can be used as ammunition later.
Giving gifts with strings attached
Giving and receiving gifts can be complicated for a whole host of reasons. You might worry that you’ve spent too much on something or, conversely, not spent enough. You may feel stressed when opening things in front of people in case you don’t give them the exact right reaction. Needless to say, when the gifts get passed around, it can be something of a minefield.
Having a narcissist in your family only makes things worse. Sure, they may give you lavish gifts (some might say too lavish, but that’s a separate issue), but they come at a cost. These people may give you a gift with some serious strings attached, and we don’t mean literal ones.
They buy you a luxury vacation… that they happen to be going on, too. They might pick out a piece of furniture for your new home, but tell you exactly where they want you to put it. The problem is that narcissists tend to believe everything is transactional. So, when they give you something as a gift, they expect to get something in return. Most often, that thing is power.
How to handle this:
Understand that you’re not obliged to accept the gift. This small distinction puts the power immediately back in your hands. When your family member starts talking about the conditions, speak up immediately and shut it down. You don't have to be rude. You could say something like “Thank you, that’s very sweet. However, we can’t take gifts that come with requirements.”
Steal other people’s happiness
Forget the Grinch stealing Christmas. If there’s one thing that a narcissist cannot stand, it’s seeing other people happy and filled with festive spirit for reasons that have nothing to do with the narcissist. So, it should come as no surprise that they will do everything in their control to try and steal other people’s happiness.
This one can manifest in a whole range of ways. When someone is looking too happy, the narcissist may make a passive-aggressive comment. They may choose to start an argument right after you’ve shared how excited you are to see everyone. They could turn things around and make themselves the victim, saying your happiness is making them feel sad.
How to handle this:
Remember, the narcissist wants to make others unhappy because they are unhappy, or they only want you to be happy when it serves their own sense of control or importance. Don’t play into this. Instead, refuse to let them impact how you feel. Simply acknowledge what they say in a calm and neutral way without giving it much energy, and then move on.
Additionally, don’t fall into the trap of overaccentuating your glee to annoy them. While this may feel satisfying for around two seconds, the fun will quickly wear off and it’s a vicious cycle that tends to end in extra stress for you.
Takeaway
Facing the holidays when you have a narcissistic family member can be tough. But remember, their behavior doesn’t have to define the holidays. Use the tips we’ve shared to navigate this season and try to focus your attention on the festivities, rather than the drama.
