Avoidant Attachment Style? 5 Signs that You Fear Intimacy (And How to Overcome It)

While the name avoidant attachment says a lot, there’s more to it than simply avoiding an emotional attachment to others. For one thing, almost all of us seek some level of connection with other people, whether through friendship or romantic relationships. That's true regardless of our attachment style, which simply describes our patterns of relating to others based on our early experiences with caregivers.

But if your attachment style is avoidant, you may constantly find yourself taking one step toward someone and then two steps away, over and over. Or you might avoid relationships altogether and are fine with that. You prefer it that way even. Or so you tell yourself.

If this sounds familiar, you may have an avoidant attachment style. There are reasons why  you might avoid intimacy, and they all stem from your childhood experiences. But don’t worry – understanding the root of your attachment style can help you develop healthier relationships in the future.

What is an avoidant attachment style?

People with avoidant attachment style often didn’t have their emotional needs met as children. They learned that they couldn’t rely on caregivers for comfort and support, so they became detached and self-reliant. 

As adults, they often struggle with trusting others and forming deep emotional connections. Even when they're in a relationship, they don’t like to get too close. Intimacy requires expressing feelings and allowing yourself to be vulnerable, which can feel frightening or unappealing. This can lead to a cycle of pushing people away whenever they try to form a deeper bond, or showing a false sense of independence while secretly longing for emotional connection, and then feeling lonely or isolated as a result.

If you have an avoidant attachment style, you learned in childhood that the only person you could rely on was yourself. Now, it feels safer to keep people at arm's length rather than risk getting hurt or disappointed.

Some signs you may have an avoidant attachment style

1. You pride yourself on your independence and protect it fiercely

You may have become independent out of necessity  to protect yourself, but now it has become a point of pride. You may describe yourself as "resourceful" or a "powerful person" who doesn’t need anyone else in your life. You may even see vulnerability and needing others as weakness, and you guard against anything that could threaten your sense of not needing anyone else. 

If you are in a relationship — and bear in mind your natural instinct may be to avoid them — you may be constantly fighting to maintain your sense of freedom and independence. For example, you may feel smothered by a partner who wants to spend more time with you or be included in decisions that affect both of you. You might resent them trying to “control” your life, so you become defensive or distant to protect your feeling of autonomy.

2. You're ambivalent about your relationship or the possibility of one

While most of us want to be loved and feel a strong pull toward being in a romantic relationship at some point, people with an avoidant attachment style have mixed feelings about relationships. You may desire closeness but feel no great desire to lose part of yourself to someone else. And you may fear being "chased" or "pressured" as your partner wants more closeness from you than you want to give. 

So, even if you're lucky enough to find your ideal love match, you may be afraid to fully commit or express your true feelings.

Overall, you may decide that the whole relationship thing is not worth the effort, energy and risk.

3. You don’t like to talk too much about feelings

Talking about feelings can feel too intimate for you. Those conversations make you feel vulnerable or like your personal boundaries are under threat, so you avoid expressing feelings or analyzing them too deeply. 

If someone asks you to “open up” that will probably feel invasive to you. In the best case, you'll navigate the conversation by keeping things light and surface-level. In the worst, you may feel so overwhelmed and exposed that you shut down completely.

4. You clam up when intimacy is too intense

Intimacy can seem like a synonym for danger — it all feels too much, too close, too … everything. When intimacy is too much for you, your instinct is to withdraw: you might break off contact with your partner or deliberately pick fights and create emotional distance within the relationship. It's like a panic button that sends you running away from the relationship before things get too intense or serious.

In fact, you feel like something’s being taken from you if more intimacy is required of you. People who are uncomfortable with intimacy may feel like they're losing their sense of self when others demand to be let in, which can lead to resentment or feeling suffocated. You carefully guard your time, your personal space and your privacy. If that comes at the cost of emotional closeness, that may feel like a small price to pay for keeping your boundaries intact.

5. You often think of others as “needy,” “clingy” or “demanding”

You may resent your partner for making seemingly unreasonable demands on you, like wanting to know where you are all the time or expecting you to be a shoulder to cry on for them. You may struggle to understand why people have such a hard time being happy on their own and why they need someone else to "complete" them.

You may even see yourself as superior for not needing anyone. Deep down, however, you may be envious of others who can form close relationships easily without fear or hesitation. This leads to a conflicting desire for both independence and connection which can be hard to navigate.

How to cope with an avoidant attachment style

If you relate to these signs, don’t worry – having an avoidant attachment style is not a life sentence. With self-awareness and effort, you can learn to move towards a secure attachment style and strike a healthier balance of intimacy and independence.

Here are some tips for changing your attachment style to a more secure one:

• Pause before reacting. If your alarm bells go off because of something your partner said, ask them to clarify rather than becoming defensive, clamming up or walking away. Train yourself to listen first.
• Learn to communicate your feelings. Stretch yourself to explain why your first instinct was to pull back and what triggered you to feel this way. Even if you don't have a complete understanding of your feelings, expressing them can help your partner feel less rejected and you feel safer without having to retreat.
• Work on developing your emotional intelligence. People with an avoidant attachment style may be less adept at recognizing, naming and processing their own feelings but the good news is emotional intelligence can be learned.
• Learn to compromise. Practice finding middle ground between you and your partner’s needs and wants. Instead of avoiding or resisting, challenge yourself to meet them halfway.
• Seek professional help if needed. Attachment styles are often rooted in early life experiences, so working with a therapist can help you identify the underlying causes of your attachment style and develop healthier ways to navigate relationships. If you know a person or couple with a secure attachment style, that can be a good model to learn from.

Bottom line? Having an avoidant attachment style doesn’t mean you are doomed to a solo life. With effort and self-awareness, you can learn how to form meaningful and fulfilling relationships that allow for both independence and intimacy. You can be a "rock" for a loved one to lean on without sacrificing your own sense of self.