Can EQ Help You Make a Big Life Decision? Experts Weigh In
It’s crunch time. You’ve been thinking about this conundrum for far too long and time has officially run out. You can’t drag your feet any longer. You need to make a decision, any decision, and you need to make it now. But how?
There’s a reason why big decisions feel so crushingly impossible to make. Emotional Intelligence (EQ) plays a role in that — and it could also be the key to making decisions with confidence.
Why Big Decisions Feel So Damn Hard
By definition, a decision means to choose between alternatives. Each option has its own set of pros and cons, and it’s our job to weigh them out and decide which one is the best for us.
But often, the options are not black and white. There may be multiple grey areas, making it difficult to evaluate each choice objectively. And when there’s no clear winner, we can mull the choices over in our head relentlessly, like a hamster on a wheel. In other words: analysis paralysis.
“Making big life decisions, whether it’s switching careers, ending a relationship, or moving to a new city can feel overwhelming,” says Ehab Youssef, a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Mental Health Researcher and Writer at Mentalyc. “The fear of making the wrong choice can be paralyzing, especially when we feel like there’s no going back.”
Of course, there are many reasons why we can get stuck in analysis paralysis. Before we look at how you can make a major life decision, let’s talk about the factors at play. A new conceptual paper by the Max Planck Institute for Human Development offers a framework for understanding the complexity of making big decisions, including the five factors that each play a role: conflicting cues, self-identity, uncertainty of value, irreversibility and risk.
Conflicting cues
Some decisions are easy. You read the cues and simply know which choice to make. For example, when a job offer aligns with your career goals, snapping it up is a cinch.
Other times, things are less clear-cut. What if that same job which aligns with your career goals involves moving to another country? To get what you want, you have to choose between two conflicting cues and make a sacrifice. If the pros and cons are equally weighed, making the right choice is really tough.
Changes of self
We base a lot of our self-identity on the decisions we make. While you may never consciously think about it, you have a moral compass that guides each of your choices. Every time you make a decision that aligns with your vision of yourself, you’re reaffirming that persona.
But what if none of the choices on offer align with your personal values? To make that big decision, you will be forced to act outside of your core personality, which can make it hard for a choice to feel “right”. Reshaping your identity to fit a decision can be an uncomfortable and contradictory experience.
Uncertain experiential value
What if you make a decision and it doesn’t work out? It’s often hard to know the true outcome of a decision until long after you’ve made it. That persistent feeling of “what if” — of stepping into unknown territory — can hold us back.
“Uncertainty about big decisions leads to something called ‘experiential value, ’which means we don’t know what it’s like to experience it — this creates doubt,” explains Dr. Mikki Lee Elembaby, a Licensed Psychologist at Clarity Therapy NYC.
Irreversibility
That leads nicely onto the next dimension — some choices have permanent consequences. For example, choosing to have a child is something that you cannot take back. Without a shadow of a doubt, it’s something that will shape the rest of your life.
With that in mind, if you’re not 100% sure that it’s the right path for you, you might find that your anxiety starts to take over. It’s often these big, transformative decisions that people find hard to make. The knowledge that nothing will be the same again is a colossal factor.
Risk
“People often try to weigh the risks and potential rewards that come with a big decision,” says Elembaby. Yet most of us are naturally risk-averse, which means “the fear of negative consequences can keep us stuck.” When the decision could result in significant physical, emotional, social or financial loss, it’s no wonder that people find it difficult to go one way or another. It’s easy to get in your head about what you stand to lose when you’re making a decision that could impact these areas of your life.
What Does Emotional Intelligence Have To Do With All of This?
Emotional intelligence (EQ) is the ability to identify and manage emotions in ourselves and others and — here’s the important part — use that information to guide our thoughts and behavior. It involves being aware of our emotions, understanding where they come from, and using them effectively in decision-making.
We all have varying levels of EQ across the five factors that make up this complex skill set. In some areas, our EQ may be high whereas in other areas it may be low, and this can impact how we make big decisions in our lives as the following examples show:
1. Self-awareness can stop you acting on impulse.
Self-awareness is the ability to recognize and name your own emotional experiences. If you have high levels of self-awareness, you may be more thoughtful about decisions and avoid acting on impulse. That's because you take time to assess your emotions and how they may be influencing your choices.
Of course, if you have low levels of self-awareness, the opposite can be true.
“One of my clients used to make huge financial decisions based purely on stress. If he had a bad day at work, he’d think, I’m quitting. I’ll figure it out later,” says Youssef. “Through our sessions, we worked on recognizing why he was feeling that way before acting on it. When you’re aware of your emotions, you can separate temporary feelings from long-term goals.”
2. Poor emotional regulation can lead to regrets.
“Have you ever sent an angry email and immediately regretted it? That’s low EQ in action,” says Youssef. “People with high emotional control don’t let emotions dictate their choices. Instead, they pause, process, and respond instead of react.”
If you’re prone to emotional outbursts and making decisions based on a knee-jerk reaction, you might want to slow your roll. Learning to give yourself a moment to think before choosing what to do is the best gift. You may want to increase your mindfulness or strategies to help you pause.
3. Other Awareness and Empathy help you see others’ points of view.
“Good decision-making isn’t just about your perspective, it's about understanding how your choices affect others,” says Youssef. Having strong ‘other awareness,’ the ability to understand how other people feel, and empathy — relating to how they feel — adds new layers to your decision-making that you may not have considered before.
Of course, having too much empathy can work against you as it's yet another factor to weigh in your decision-making. Zooming out and considering things from all angles could be the way forward, but you'll need to balance this with your own needs.
Expert Tips For Making A Good Big Decision
If you’re standing on the threshold of a seemingly gigantic decision, don’t panic. Breathe. While it might feel as though there’s no way forward, you can forge one with tips from our experts.
Take emotions out of the equation
When your emotions are high, making any decision can be difficult. This is especially true when the choice you make will have serious emotional implications for you and/or someone else.
“A lot of people think they’re struggling with the decision itself, but really, they’re struggling with their emotions about the decision,” says Youssef. “Are you hesitant because it’s the wrong choice? Or are you just scared of change?”
You may already know what to do but be holding yourself back. In that scenario, it’s important to remove your feelings from the decision. Consider what it is that you’re afraid of here.
“One of my clients wanted to break off an engagement but felt crushing guilt about hurting her fiancé,” he continues. “Once she separated guilt from what was truly right for her, she finally made a decision with confidence.”
Ask your future self what to do
Wouldn’t it be great if you could teleport into the future and ask yourself what the right choice is? Sadly, time travel is confined to the realms of sci-fi, so you can’t. But you can put your imagination to work.
Elembaby suggests using a simple ‘future-self’ exercise. “Imagine your ideal self five years from now. What decision aligns with that version of you? Try to visualize it in as much detail as possible. Also, pay attention to how you feel in your body and what emotions come up for you.”
Focus on what you can gain, not what you might lose
One of the main reasons many of us find it hard to make a decision is fear. You’re scared that making a move could mean that you lose something you need. But what if you focused on what you might gain by getting out of this paralysis state?
“Instead of focusing on what you might lose, focus on what you’re already losing by staying stuck,” says Youssef. “A client who hated her job spent two years debating whether to leave. When she finally asked herself, “What’s the cost of staying miserable for another five years?”, her decision became clear.”
Understand that you can pivot
Sometimes, making no decision is worse than making a bad decision. If you’re stuck in limbo, it’s far better to take a leap of faith than to stand still (most of the time!).
“Most choices are not as irreversible as they feel. You can always adjust course later,” says Youssef. “Big decisions don’t come with guarantees. But what I’ve learned — both from my clients and in my own life — is that the worst decision is often no decision at all.”
“You don’t need perfect clarity, just enough confidence to take the next step,” he explains. “And whatever happens, you’ll figure it out. You always do.”
Takeaway
Big life decisions are always hard to make, but ultimately, the belief that there is a ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ choice could be the very thing that’s holding you back. Freedom comes when you realize that there is no correct answer — only “the best decision for you right now,” Elembaby says. Use the strategies we’ve shared in this guide but give yourself the space to make mistakes, too.
“Many people wait for a sign that they’re making the absolute best choice,” Youssef adds. “But here’s the truth: no matter what you choose, there will be trade-offs. One of my mentors once told me, ‘You don’t have to be 100% sure. 70% clarity is enough.’ That stuck with me.”
