Can Learning the Enneagram Improve Your Sex Life? We Asked the Expert

Carol and Dan, a middle-aged couple from the Midwest, had been married for over 25 years when they scheduled their first appointment with Dr. Greenberg, a sexuality researcher and Enneagram coach. With three kids and demanding full-time jobs, they weren’t on the brink of divorce, but their marriage wasn’t fulfilling either. Dr. Greenberg seemed like someone who could help.

Dr. Sam E. Greenberg has been studying sex through the lens of the Enneagram for almost a decade. With a PhD in psychology and research focus in human sexuality, she has conducted extensive investigation into the role of personality in patterns of desire and long-term sexual satisfaction. Her work includes a study of over 800 people and looks at sexual desire and sexual expression correlated to the nine Enneagram personality styles. Through her own work and joint work with sex therapist and fellow Enneagram professional, Lyndsey Fraser, LMFT, Greenberg has developed a model for quickly getting to the heart of sexual personality. 

“Couples usually come to me when there is a disconnect about what sex and intimacy mean to each partner,” explains Greenberg. “One person might see sex as an ‘extra’ to indulge in when all basic needs are met, while the other partner sees it as essential to feeling loved and desired. And both are confused why the other person doesn’t see it their way.”

Personality Differences Shape How Couples Experience Sex and Intimacy

Greenberg explains that differing approaches can lead to mismatched priorities. As stress increases, one partner’s willingness to have sex might plummet and the other partner’s desire might increase because sex helps them to regulate stress. When these differences collide, they can create feelings of rejection, inadequacy and emotional disconnection, setting the stage for relationship tension. Because sex is such an emotionally charged topic, having a neutral framework like the Enneagram can help.

As Dr Greenberg began working with Carol and Dan, she learned Carol was a Type 1, the Perfectionist and Dan was a Type 6, the Skeptic. This gave her valuable insight into what might be happening in their dynamic. 

“There are different approaches to sex that we see based on both Enneagram type and instinct. The research helps us make sense of these differences and to depersonalize what’s happening to create space for compassion,” says Greenberg.

To fully grasp what’s at play in Carol and Dan’s situation, we need to first understand how personality and instinct shape our needs. Greenberg’s research offers a fascinating look at the diverse sexual attitudes and approaches to intimacy across Enneagram types. 

Type 1: Relaxing Into Intimacy Takes Effort  

Principled, conscientious and responsible, Type 1s bring these values to their views on intimacy. They often hold strong moral or ethical beliefs about what’s “right and wrong” when it comes to sex.  Greenberg explains, “Type 1s report lower interest in sex than other types, but it’s not that they don’t feel desire. It’s that they have a huge sense of responsibility and so many things to do! Their ‘work before play’ mindset means practical tasks often take precedence over intimacy. This is essentially what was happening with Carol in her relationship.” 

In the Bedroom: When they do engage in sex, Type 1s can be surprisingly adventurous and open, but only under the right circumstances. They may need the space to step away from their responsibilities and into a more relaxed state to fully enjoy the moment. Cleanliness, order or being in the right mood may also be important prerequisites.Interestingly, many Type 1s report heightened desire or fantasy when they are on vacation or otherwise removed from the usual duties of daily life.

Growth Tips: “Be primal!” says Greenberg.  “If you are a Type 1, keying into the animal aspect of your nature can be revolutionary. Let go of the inner critic and get in touch with your instincts. This opens up more space for connection and pleasure.” Partners can support their Type 1 by creating safe, low-pressure environments that allow for spontaneity. 

Type 2:  Desire Flows With How Valued They Feel

The warm-hearted nurturers of the Enneagram, Type 2s are caring, generous and deeply attuned to other people’s needs. In intimate relationships, they thrive on emotional connection and feel most fulfilled when love is actively given and received. “Sexual desire can be intense at the beginning and often peaks in the early stages of a relationship, when the bond is still forming,” says Greenberg. “Type 2s may use sex as a way to earn affection or feel reassured that they’re loved and wanted. Once they feel secure, however, their desire may ebb and flow depending on how emotionally appreciated and valued they feel.”

In the Bedroom: For Type 2s, sex is an emotional experience, an affirmation of their worth and a tangible expression of love. They are highly attentive to their partner’s needs and often prioritize their partner’s satisfaction over their own. However, this focus can turn into a shadow pattern. If they feel neglected or unappreciated, they may withdraw affection or intimacy as a form of protest.

Growth Tips: “If you are a Type 2, a whole sexual experience where you only receive is your growth step,” says Greenberg. “Every Type 2 I’ve worked with who tries this finds it excruciatingly difficult at first, but stick with it and you’ll get to the heart of what keeps you focused on others.” Partners can help their Type 2 by consistently expressing appreciation and initiating closeness in both sexual and non-sexual ways. 

Type 3: Must Let Go of Image to Find Real Connection

The motivators of the Enneagram, Type 3s are goal-oriented, image-conscious and driven to succeed. Their sense of self-worth is often tied to how they are perceived by others, and this extends to their intimate relationships. “Optics matter for Type 3s,” shares Greenberg. “They are attracted to partners who align with their ideal image. How ‘impressive’ their partner is can trigger or diminish their sexual interest, and a Type 3 can lose attraction to someone they perceive as not reflecting well on them socially.” 

In the Bedroom: Sexual performance for a Type 3 can feel like a direct reflection of their value. Performance anxiety can creep in, especially at the early stages of a relationship. Their focus on achievement can sometimes overshadow emotional connection. Some partners confess it can be challenging to connect on a deep level during sex, as Type 3s almost seem to aim for a personal best rather than emotional bonding.

Growth Tips: “Type 3s can be so focused on the external optics, they lose touch with their inner sense of self,” says Greenberg. “Their growth is about building a map of the internal world.” Partners can encourage this by helping their Type 3 track their own experience and their own sensations during intimacy to understand what’s happening for them.

Type 4: Needs a Soul-level Connection Before Intimacy

This is someone who is deeply emotional, introspective and seeks authenticity in all areas of life including their intimate relationships. “Type 4s are a high desire type, but they need to feel an emotional or soul-level connection to feel interested in sex,” explains Greenberg. “ They need that spark where they feel seen.” Their rich inner world fuels fantasy and longing for an ideal mate.

In the Bedroom: Sexuality for a Type 4 is a space for intense expression, emotional vulnerability and deep resonance. When their emotional needs aren’t met, desire can quickly wane, but when they feel seen and accepted, their passion can be profound. They have to be on alert not to confuse intensity with intimacy.

Growth Tips: “I recommend a generosity practice for Type 4s, an intimate experience where they are focused solely on the needs of their partner. Type 4s can become easily absorbed in their own emotional experience of intimacy so approaching intimacy from a space of generosity can help balance them,” advises Greenberg. “My Type 4 clients find this to be a stretch at first, but over time it opens up a dimension of intimacy that they find very fulfilling.” Partners can support their Type 4 by offering consistent emotional validation and creating a safe space for authenticity. 

Type 5: Experiences Sex Through Thoughts More Than Body

The thinkers of the Enneagram are cerebral and introspective, and they approach their sexuality through observation and analysis. They may experience sex more through their thoughts than their body, sometimes feeling like an observer rather than fully immersed in the physical sensations. “For Type 5s, their sex drive is sparked by internal cues rather than external stimuli,” says Greenberg.  “This means that Type 5s aren’t much affected by things partners try to do to ‘get them in the mood.’ Instead, their desire arises from within themselves in their own time and their own way.” 

In the Bedroom: While they may appear reserved, Type 5s often have rich mental lives filled with fantasy and exploration of kink or other interests. Their sexuality can be highly imaginative and intellectual. Sex is often compartmentalized and has a defined place in their lives. 

Growth Tips: “Type 5s benefit from a meditative return to the body sensations until they start to build embodiment and feel pleasure and sensation in the body instead of through the mind,” Greenberg says. “One of my Type 5 clients has built embodied presence little by little over years and is now experiencing life and intimacy closer to the way a Type 8 would – feeling sensations and body experiences in the moment every moment. He loves it!” General embodiment practices are useful for Type 5s.  Partners can help by encouraging their Type 5 to cultivate more attention to physical sensations during intimacy.

Type 6:  Security Sets the Stage for Connection

Type 6s seek security, safety and predictability, and this influences their approach to intimacy. Feeling emotionally safe, whether through shared future plans, reassurance or words of affirmation, helps awaken their desire and allows them to relax and connect. “Type 6s rarely initiate sex due to a fear of rejection, making them low on sexual assertiveness alongside Type 9. This was part of the dynamic with Dan and Carol. She was too preoccupied to think about sex, and he was afraid to initiate sex and be rejected,” explains Greenberg.

In the Bedroom: This is a partner who wants to know what to expect. While they can be surprisingly open-minded and willing to try new things, they prefer to know in advance and don’t like anything sprung on them in the bedroom. With advance notice, Type 6s can be adventurous, accommodating lovers.

Growth Tips: “Initiating sex is a growth edge for Type 6s as it helps them face and overcome their fears. Learning that they can ask for intimacy without losing their safety and security can be a game-changer for Type 6s,” says Greenberg. Partners can support their Type 6 by offering reassurance and encouraging gentle expressions of initiative to build their confidence. 

Type 7:  Grow When They Stay in the Afterglow

The optimists of the Enneagram are open-minded and adventurous lovers who approach sex with enthusiasm and playfulness. Their high desire is driven by a craving for new and exciting experiences, and Type 7s often seek pleasure and novelty over deeper bonding. “Type 7s may subconsciously avoid true intimacy by keeping things light, fun and playful,” says Greenberg. “My clients who are partnered with Type 7s complain that their partner will quite literally leap out of bed after sex and say ‘what do you want to do next?!’ It leaves the other person feeling robbed of that soft and intimate time afterwards.” 

In the Bedroom: Their playfulness and sense of adventure can make sex fun and exciting, but they may struggle with slowing down enough to fully connect on a deeper emotional level. They might avoid true vulnerability, preferring to keep things light and upbeat rather than confronting intense feelings. This is someone who can be self-referencing and prioritizes their own satisfaction.

Growth Tips: “Type 7s grow when they stay with the afterglow. They deepen their sexual and emotional connection by practicing presence, learning to stay with intense feelings rather than escaping them,” shares Greenberg. Partners can help by creating a safe space for their Type 7 to express their emotions. 

Type 8: Turning Up the Heat Comes Naturally

The leaders of the Enneagram are decisive, action-oriented and straight-forward. “Type 8s are the most sexually assertive type of the Enneagram, communicating what they want with ease. If they are interested in someone, they are clear. If they don’t like something, they say that too,” says Greenberg.  Their intensity can feel electrifying or overwhelming, depending on the partner’s preferences. They like to take charge, often initiating and directing the encounters with confidence. 

In the Bedroom: Type 8s bring a commanding energy to the bedroom. Their physicality is strong and passionate, sometimes leaning toward “too much.” “Partners might complain their Type 8 moves too fast or is too rough, but they can also be deeply sensual and protective too. They like to play with power dynamics, but they don’t always need to be the dominant one,” states Greenberg.

Growth Tips: “Type 8s grow when they learn to tune into the subtleties of the interaction between themselves and the partner. They deepen intimacy by practicing gentleness in touch and communication,” explains Greenberg. Partners can help their Type 8 by being very clear and direct about what feels good and what they want.

Type 9:  Speaking Up About Desire Takes Practice

Type 9s are accommodating and easygoing, often prioritizing harmony and avoiding conflict in all areas of life including their sex lives. “In intimate situations, Type 9s struggle to clearly identify or express what they want. They usually know what they don’t like more than what they do. This can create frustration for partners who find them inconsistent or vague about their desires,” explains Greenberg.

In the Bedroom: Type 9s prioritize keeping things smooth and comfortable, sometimes at the expense of their own sexual needs. They may avoid confrontation by keeping quiet about their likes and dislikes in the bedroom, and may withdraw or passively resist when upset. When they feel emotionally safe, they are gentle, attentive lovers focused on mutual pleasure.

Growth Tips: “Type 9s need to learn what they like! It can be as simple as getting a book about sex and paying attention to their internal reactions to what they’re reading. It’s important for them to understand that voicing their needs is a healthy part of intimacy and doesn’t necessarily lead to conflict,” says Greenberg. Partners can support them by checking in after sex about what their Type 9 liked and disliked and then giving them time and space to respond without pressure. 

Carol and Dan’s Solution: Honey, I’ll Make Dinner!

As Dr. Greenberg explored the dynamics between Dan and Carol, it became clear that Carol was feeling overwhelmed. The constant demands of parenting, work and managing the household left her depleted. Her Type 1 tendencies and sense of responsibility made it nearly impossible to relax, and intimacy inevitably fell to the bottom of the list.

They tried countless solutions, but the breakthrough came from a surprisingly simple shift. After 25 years of Carol making the family’s nightly dinner, Dan stepped in and took over.

They both knew he was the better cook. He genuinely enjoyed preparing meals and was great in the kitchen. But this change wasn’t just about meals. It was an act of care and shared responsibility that lightened Carol’s emotional load. And with that weight lifted, space opened for deeper connection and renewed intimacy.

“It was amazing to witness how this simple change improved their connection,” Greenberg reflects. “When you understand the barriers to intimacy that each type faces, it’s easy to address the blocks.”

Final thoughts 

The Enneagram offers more than just personality insights—it provides a practical framework for understanding how we give and receive love, how we experience desire, and what we need in order to feel emotionally and sexually fulfilled. It helps couples move beyond blame or shame and see their differences not as incompatibilities but as invitations to deeper connection.

For Carol and Dan, the simple act of shifting a daily responsibility became a turning point. But the real transformation came from learning to see each other through the lens of personality and not just behavior. Once they understood the meaning behind their patterns, they were able to meet each other with more empathy and find creative solutions.

Dr. Greenberg’s work shows that when couples begin to explore their sexual dynamic through the Enneagram, conversations about intimacy become less emotionally charged and more constructive. With insight comes compassion and with compassion, the possibility of real change. The Enneagram invites us to bring more honesty, curiosity and grace into our most intimate spaces. And in doing so, it offers couples not just better sex, but deeper love.