Is Empathy Overrated?

Got empathy? Hopefully, you have at least some. Experts agree that the world needs more empathy, and the internet (including Truity's blog) is full of articles explaining the many benefits of empathy and what you can do to become a more empathetic person. In fact, the world is so tuned in to empathy that we have a name for people who are really good at it—the Empath.

But are we making too big a deal out of empathy? The answer is both yes and no.

No, because as Barack Obama said: “The biggest deficit that we have in our society and in the world right now is an empathy deficit. We are in great need of people being able to stand in somebody else’s shoes and see the world through their eyes.”

Yes, because empathy alone doesn't make the world a better place. Healthy, compassionate people do—and there's more to being that person than just empathy.

Empathy Alone is Not Enough

Empathy is not one thing, but many. In fact, there are three kinds of empathy:

• Cognitive empathy, which is recognizing and understanding the feelings of others,
• Emotional empathy, which is physically feeling the feelings of others, and
• Compassionate empathy, which is when you actively respond to the feelings of others in order to help.

It’s this last one, compassionate empathy, that really makes a difference in the lives of others and in the world in general, and can never be overrated.

But when we talk about empathy we often stop at thinking (cognitive) or feeling (emotional) instead of moving forward with what really matters—action. We may be able to experience empathy, but we are often incapable of following through with meaningful help. That's the first issue.

The second issue is this: even if everyone was full to bursting with compassionate empathy, this very special and specific kind of empathy would still still not be enough to make the world a kinder place.

Why not?

Because empathy is only one of five emotional intelligence (EQ) factors that contribute to your social and emotional well-being. You must achieve a balance in all five before you will effectively contribute to the well-being of others.

In fact, if you focus solely on empathy and ignore the other four, you will be far less emotionally balanced than you perhaps think you are. And the more you incorporate and practice all five components of EQ, the healthier you will become.

Then, and only then, will the empathy you offer others be enough.

The Five Factors of Emotional Intelligence

Emotional Intelligence has worked its way to the forefront in the last few decades and is known as an important predictor of happiness. In fact, many experts propose that  EQ is more important than IQ for a successful life. This is because EQ is related to our relationship to ourselves, and to others. It measures our ability to understand and manage our emotions and to use them to inform our actions, and that influences our relationships and interactions far more than pure intelligence does. It is the key to understanding and managing our behavior.

The five components of EQ are:

• Self-Awareness: The ability to understand how you feel and why. 
• Social (or Other) Awareness: The ability to understand the feelings of others. 
• Emotional Control: The ability to control your emotions and behaviors. 
• Empathy: The ability to relate to the emotional experiences of others. 
• Wellbeing: The ability to care for your physical and emotional health.

These elements must all be included and balanced internally to live a happy, fulfilling life. And while none of us do this perfectly, it’s important that each ingredient is included when we talk about our emotional health. It’s like baking a cake. If you leave out an ingredient, you don’t get the desired result.

What Happens When We're Out of Balance?

So what happens when you focus on empathy alone and neglect the other four factors? Let’s compare empathy to each of the other factors and imagine what it may look like to neglect one of them in favor of empathy.

Empathy without Self-awareness

If you concentrate on increasing your empathy and ignore self-awareness, you will lose yourself to the emotions and needs of everyone else. You risk being codependent, insecure and a stranger to yourself. This kind of unhappiness is a demon that not only keeps you from your most valuable gifts, but from ever knowing who you really are.

But if you can recognize and separate your own emotions from those of others through self-awareness, you not only gain understanding of yourself and what you feel, but you then are freed to really listen to another’s feelings without being in an emotional fog yourself. You will honor yourself and your own values by not making other’s emotions your own, and then you can focus on another’s experience. This is when compassionate empathy blossoms.

Empathy without Social Awareness

If you somehow soak up all the emotions you feel when you are around others but have no skills in recognizing body language and facial expressions, you may very well fail to interpret those emotions accurately. This means that when Aunt Mary is upset with the gardener for over trimming her petunias, you may think she’s angry with you. This inability to read non-verbal cues will make socializing awkward and sometimes painful.

But if you struggle to recognize nonverbal social cues, don’t worry, you can learn! And it’s worth doing. Along with Emotional Control, the EQ component of Social Awareness has the most positive association with how much someone earns. Learn to pick up the cues that inform you about the emotional state of others, and you will be that much closer to offering them compassionate empathy (and potentially climbing the career ranks).

Empathy without Emotional Control

If you take in and feel all the emotions from other people and then have no outlet and no direction for those emotions, you will bottle them up and they will grow like a cancer on your soul.  Sounds too dramatic? Trust me, it’s not. This insidious imbalance will really wreak havoc in your life. Empathy allows you to feel the feelings of other people, but holding onto those feelings won’t serve you and you will soon mix them up with your own.

But if you direct them in a way that serves your own best interest and your goals, you will achieve the kind of resilience that will allow you to get the most out of your life. Controlling your emotions doesn’t mean holding them in. Let them out! Just remember that when you absorb the emotions of others through empathy, you must foster an ability to redirect those emotions in ways that are healthy for you.

Empathy without Emotional Wellbeing

If you aren’t well-rounded, balanced and emotionally stable, it won’t matter at all how empathetic you are—you will not be happy or helpful to others or to yourself. Without an overall sense of emotional and social wellbeing, empathy will never be your friend. Sustainable, compassionate empathy must come from a place of groundedness that’s achieved with self-care. And that self-care must come first.

So, if your overall emotional state is positive and healthy, and if you’re growing in all five factors of Emotional Intelligence, your outlook on life will be happier and you will experience more fulfillment in your endeavors. You don’t need to be a psychologist to know that when you are happy you have more to give others. This is why compassionate empathy only works when we are emotionally well ourselves, and not otherwise.

Final Thoughts

So, is empathy overrated?  No, compassionate empathy, the one we need more of, could never be promoted enough in the world today. It’s the glue that holds us all together and is the foundation of our relationships. We need it at work to be good teammates, and we need it as employers to understand and assist our employees. We need compassionate empathy all over the world, in our governments, in our schools, and in our religious institutions.

Empathy, the right kind of empathy, in the right balance with the other EQ factors, is not overrated at all. On the contrary, it is all that’s good in the world.