The Enneagram and the Push-Pull Relationship: Who Chases, Who Withdraws?

Have you ever experienced a push-and-pull dynamic in a relationship? It’s where your partner pulls away — being distant, giving you mixed signals, blowing hot-and-cold — and you instinctively lean in to try to pull them back. Or maybe you were the one who stepped away because you needed space or didn’t have enough bandwidth for an all-consuming romance.

While attachment styles explain part of the pull-pull dynamic, the Enneagram adds another layer. It can help explain why some people tend to chase, others to withdraw, and some oscillate between the two. So let’s talk about which Enneagram types are more likely to lean in or pull away, what they’re trying to achieve when they react this way, and how they can navigate these patterns in a more conscious way.

Type One: The Controlled Withdrawer

Ones tend to pull away from a relationship when things start to feel messy and unresolved. They may be experiencing lingering issues that never get fully addressed, or something feels “off” in the sense that the partner's behavior clashes with their internal sense of “what’s right.” 

Ones are not avoiding intimacy when they start to pull away; they’re just trying to restore their internal order. They believe that if they can first understand what feels wrong and why, they’ll be able to handle it according to their internal compass and show up “correctly.” Once that happens, everything else in the relationship will either fall back into place or come to a clear, appropriate end if that’s what needs to happen.

Trigger: Disorder and unresolved issues.
What to do instead: Bring your concerns into the open instead of retreating to figure things out by yourself. You may be misinterpreting your partner’s intentions or missing key context.

Type Two: The Relentless Chaser

Twos tend to move toward the relationship when their partner pulls away and makes them feel unappreciated or overlooked. Their emotional well-being is tied to feeling needed, so their first instinct is to bridge the distance at any cost. So they double down on care and attention, often overextending themselves to fulfill their partner’s needs and desires.

On the surface, it might look like love-bombing to regain control. But in reality, Twos are just trying to save the relationship, even when it’s in their best interests to pause and consider whether saving it at any cost is a wise move. If their efforts aren’t acknowledged, Twos can escalate by giving more and trying harder until they hit a breaking point and abruptly pull back themselves.

Trigger: Emotional distance, feeling neglected.
What to do instead: Give yourself space to evaluate the relationship honestly without letting your desire to feel needed and valued drive your actions.

Type Three: The Strategic Oscillator

Threes can both chase and pull away in a relationship depending on how it reflects on them and whether it supports the future they’re striving toward. For example, if their partner has been unemployed for too long or has “let themselves go,” they may feel embarrassed and fear that the relationship no longer aligns with the future they envision. They can become less affectionate and responsive, often while denying that anything has changed.

But when a Three feels proud of their relationship because it reinforces their credibility and status—especially in the eyes of high-achieving peers—they lean in fully by investing in the partnership in visible ways. 

Trigger: Threats to self-image or the future they want for themselves.
What to do instead: Get really honest about how you feel about your partner, separate from how the relationship looks on paper. When you do lean in, try to show up from a place of real affection and shared goals, not just because the relationship fits the picture of success in your head.

Type Four: The Emotional Chaser 

Fours will chase a pulling-away partner, but only when they sense the potential for an intense, almost transcendent bond with that person. They do this from a place of vulnerability and expression, such as sending lovesick texts or sharing feelings that most people would keep to themselves. 

Even small signs of emotional availability or reciprocation can feel huge to a Four, and they may take them as proof that the bond they imagine is starting to take shape. So, they may double down, leaning in harder in the hope that the other person will rise to meet the intensity the Four already feels. The risk is going all-in on someone who is just breadcrumbing them — giving just enough affection to keep them around but never truly committing.

Trigger: Intermittent emotional intimacy (deep conversations, vulnerable messages, but on and off).
What to do instead: When you feel swept up in those intense moments, pause and look at the overall pattern of the relationship. Focus on whether their words and actions are consistent over time, not just on the emotional highs, so you can decide if there’s a real foundation here.

Type Five: The Quiet Withdrawer

Fives are natural pull-back-and-observe types, so when emotional or social demands ramp up, their first instinct is often to take space and retreat into their own world. This can happen if a partner insists on spending more time together, wants to move in, go on double dates or meet their parents—things like that. 

It’s not that Fives don’t care or are secretly commitment-phobic; they can be incredibly loyal and steady once they feel grounded in a relationship. But overwhelm can tip them into shutdown mode. When life or love gets too loud, they may quietly disappear into work, hobbies or solo time to rebuild their sense of autonomy.​

Trigger: Overwhelm or perceived intrusion on their time.
What to do instead: Talk about your boundaries upfront, even if it feels awkward. Your partner needs to understand what “enough” connection looks like for you instead of assuming you’re checked out.

Type Six: The Anxious Chaser (Who Sometimes Runs)

Sixes often chase when they feel insecure about the relationship and need reassurance. This can look like texting or calling more than usual, or seeking clarity with questions like “What are we?” or “Where do you see this going?” They want to make sure they aren’t investing in something temporary or “unserious” because they don’t do casual. 

Sixes pull because they want to know the relationship is moving toward stability and security, and they’re willing to put in the effort if they see long-term potential with their partner. But they won’t pull forever. If their partner fails to give them enough reassurance, they may withdraw to reassess the relationship.

Trigger: Hot-and-cold behavior, broken promises, failure to follow through.
What to do instead: Focus on patterns of reliability/unreliability over time rather than isolated actions from your partner, so you’re basing your trust on how they consistently show up, not on one really good or really bad day. But do speak up if something feels off  instead of swallowing it and letting your anxiety fill in the blanks.

Type Seven: The Thrill-Seeking Escaper

Sevens chase fun, excitement and novelty and they withdraw when a relationship begins to limit their ability to pursue that. When the honeymoon phase is over and routine sets in, Sevens may start feeling restless and confined. 

At this point, they may begin to pull back, disappearing into new experiences outside the relationship—they’ve always done that, after all. It’s just that their partner may not draw the line as easily, and what feels normal to the Seven can feel alarming to them. They may fear the Seven has fallen out of love, when in reality the Seven is just trying to restore a sense of aliveness.

Trigger: Boredom, feeling stuck in routines that limit excitement and spontaneity.
What to do instead: Put in effort to find activities and experiences you can enjoy together so the relationship feels stimulating rather than routine-bound.

Type Eight: The Assertive Pursuer (With Defensive Withdrawal)

Eights don’t chase in the traditional sense. A better description is that they assert, taking charge of the situation by finding ways to integrate their partner further into their life by planning dates and introducing them to their inner circle.

However, if vulnerability enters the picture, they may swing into withdrawal. This usually happens during tough periods such as career setbacks, health challenges, or just feeling lost in life. Eights want to appear strong and in control, so they may pull back from the relationship as a defense, so their partner doesn’t see them struggling. 

Trigger: Vulnerability, loss of control, exposure of weaknesses.
What to do instead: Reassure your partner that everything is okay rather than withdrawing and leaving them to fill in the gaps. And try to practice vulnerability in small doses by sharing what’s been hard or weighing on you.

Type Nine: The Passive Withdrawer

Nines pull away from relationships passively, in the sense that they may continue participating in the relationship (e.g. going on dates and spending time together) while disengaging internally. They become less attentive, less expressive, and may seem a bit “checked out.” Often, the Nine isn’t even consciously aware of this shift.

The biggest trigger is tension due to unresolved conflict or unmet needs on the part of the Nine. They fear that speaking up might destabilize the relationship so they retreat inward. Ironically, their withdrawal creates exactly the destabilization they were trying to prevent, because it gives their partner that uncanny sense that something is “off” even though everything seems fine on the surface.

Trigger: Unmet needs, unresolved issues.
What to do instead: Make it a habit to address small frustrations as they arise, even if it feels uncomfortable. Air your concerns before resentment builds and speaking up starts to feel overwhelming.