How to Argue with Someone with Low Emotional Intelligence, According to Experts

Have you ever been in the situation where a simple disagreement – nothing major – spiralled into a full-blown screaming match? You stayed calm and tried to explain your side, but the other person wasn't having any of it. Instead, they lashed out cruelly, shut down completely, or twisted the facts to blame you. Somehow, what started as a minor issue escalated into emotional warfare.

Perhaps it was a really bad day for them – but it’s more likely you were dealing with someone with low emotional intelligence (EQ). As Dr. Monica Vermani, Clinical Psychologist at Balanced Wellbeing explains, EQ dictates “how well we know and understand our inner selves, our feelings, what makes us tick or react, and how well we comprehend and interact with others.” If a person doesn’t possess this level of understanding, even the smallest disagreements can feel threatening or overwhelming to them. They may struggle to process feedback, misinterpret your intentions or react impulsively – meaning all sense goes out of the window.

Emotional intelligence is a “bucket” term to describe the five dimensions of EQ: self awareness, social awareness, emotional control, empathy and emotional well-being. Development gaps on any of these dimensions can cause serious problems when conflict arises, and each requires a slightly different approach for keeping the conversation on track.

When Self-Awareness is Missing

People who lack self-awareness find it hard to understand their own emotions and may react in ways that aren’t proportionate to the situation. For example, they may explode in anger over a trivial issue, or they could shut down and refuse to talk.

When you interrogate their feelings by asking them what’s wrong, you might find that they answer “I don’t know” or label their true feelings inaccurately – calling frustration “boredom” or sadness “anger,” for example – which makes it hard to address the real issue. That’s because they literally don’t understand their emotions. Unsure of where to turn, the person might lash out. 

“There is often a lack of accountability and a tendency to blame others or events they feel are out of their control,” says Tyana Tavakol, LMFT owner of the private practice Uncovering You in Los Angeles, California. Tavakol says that self-awareness requires you to have insight into your emotional history and how that shows up today, as well as awareness of your internal state. “Without knowing why our history contributes to feeling so intensely about certain things, like being scared to ask for our needs due to being yelled at when asking for things as a child, it can lead to mistakenly blaming others for our distress,” she explains.

When someone is unaware of what’s upsetting them, you can help by asking simple, non-loaded questions to get to the root of the problem, such as “Can you tell me what happened just before you started feeling this way?” If they’re distressed, take a break from the disagreement or shelve it completely. It may not be worth pursuing an important conversation until the other person has worked through their issues.

When Emotions Run the Show

If emotions always seem to run high every time you bicker with someone, it could be a sign they have low emotional control. People who struggle with this facet of EQ find it hard to receive feedback without feeling personally attacked. They might yell, sulk or storm out in a fit of rage.

Disagreeing with a poorly controlled person can feel like a never-ending spiral. “Arguments will often become circular, struggling to get to a conclusion that feels good for both parties, and the person with the higher EQ feeling pressure to acquiesce,” says Tavakol. “It can make arguments louder, bigger, and with more hurtful criticisms thrown from the low EQ individual.”

To calm down a potentially volatile situation, our experts say using “I” statements. For example, instead of saying “you have done X,” which feels threatening to a person with low emotional control, say “I felt disappointed when …” Tavakol recommends you, “Maintain a neutral tone, slow pace in speech, and lower volume. Your best bet is to use a soft and slow tone with welcoming body language to subtly influence their nervous system to remain relaxed.”

When They Just Don’t Get It

Vermani says that some people find it genuinely difficult to see the other person’s side, especially when a person has a very different perspective. The lower their empathy, the more likely they are to dismiss your feelings, misinterpret your intentions, or show a lack of concern for your emotional well-being. That’s a pretty potent mix. You might also find that they try to twist the narrative to get their own way.

The best approach here is to not sink to their level. “Act as your highest and best self, and do your best not to make another person feel defeated or less than,” Vermani says. “The best we can do in such situations is to attempt to show understanding of the other person’s perspective, and conclude the conversation on a positive note.” There will be times when this isn’t possible. If you’ve done your best, and the other person simply cannot grasp where you’re coming from, save yourself some trouble and walk away.

When They’re Clueless To Your Signals

There are unspoken social rules we all follow. One is that when someone is speaking, you keep quiet and let them finish before you say anything. But if you’re arguing with someone with low social awareness, they may interrupt you, ignore the context of what you’re saying or fail to notice increasing signs of distress. That’s because people with low social awareness struggle to read the room.

Since this person has trouble with social cues, you need to make them clearer.  For example, instead of hinting that you’re upset by sighing or avoiding eye contact, you might need to say directly, “I’d like to finish what I’m saying,” or “I’m feeling uncomfortable with how this conversation is going.” Avoid being too reactive as that can lead to things escalating. If the disagreement is getting heated, it could be wise to pause things and come back to them later.

When Their Inner Balance Breaks Down

Is the other person acting out of fear, anxiety or low self-esteem? When someone has low levels of emotional well-being, they typically carry a pessimistic attitude toward life and will do or say anything they can to protect themselves – even if it is harmful to the other person. 

“Many people live fear-based lives, in self-doubt and low self-esteem that hinders their personal growth and limits their understanding, acceptance and interactions with others,” says Vermani. In stressful situations, this person may act out in dramatic ways, perhaps becoming overly emotional or upset out of the blue. Their reactions may stem from a deeper pain.

When arguing with someone with low emotional well-being, all you can really do is help them feel safe. Take things down a notch and remind them that you are disagreeing with them, not challenging them personally. If things are getting out of hand, know that you can always walk away and have the space that you need to return as the calmer, more resilient one in the argument. Hopefully, the other person will take their cues from you and begin to mirror your calm approach.

Takeaway

Disagreeing with someone with low EQ can be exhausting on a mental, physical and emotional level. Don’t waste your time or energy trying to “win” the argument. That’s not what this is about. Ideally, you want to come to a compromise while preserving your dignity and peace.

There’s also power in knowing when to call it quits. If the other person is unwilling to be civil, you may be better off stopping the conversation in its tracks. And don’t forget the role that your own emotional intelligence plays in these moments. Staying self-aware, managing your reactions and setting healthy boundaries can make all the difference in handling these challenging situations with finesse.