How to Cope With Being Suddenly Single, By Enneagram Type

“My alone feels so good, I’ll only have you if you’re sweeter than my solitude.” 

This quote by British writer Warsan Shire might make you want to cheer, but let’s be honest, being single doesn’t always feel good. Sometimes, it’s lonely to be on your own. While some people can channel their inner Carrie Bradshaw and confidently strut through singledom, others might feel their confidence deflate like a sad balloon after a breakup.

It’s totally normal to have mixed feelings about singledom, but what if you could use your unique Enneagram superpowers to help you feel stronger and more resilient? Here’s how to put a positive spin on your new-found single status and come out better on the other side.

Type 1: Focus On Self-Improvement 

Both inside and outside relationships, Ones are on a mission to improve themselves. Now you have more time to dedicate to this pursuit!

Unfortunately, your first instinct may be to obsess over the details of your failed relationship and put blame on yourself. That should not be your baseline, Ones. Instead, challenge yourself to search for the good in what you consider to be your flaws or imperfections. For example, are you always on time? Do you have a strong moral compass? Are you a great listener or an organized planner? Keep a journal about how those traits make you unique and worthy to remind yourself that you’re a catch. That's your baseline—your personal growth should start from there.

Type 2: Pour Your Love Into Yourself for a Change 

Twos have a lot of love to give so you might view being single in a negative way, especially if you’ve faced rejection. The temptation is strong to seek out another relationship quickly, or channel energy into other people in your life, like friends or family members. But that's not the best way to go about it.

Instead, use this time to focus on yourself for a change. What do you want? What do you need? Instead of showering someone else with love, start a weekly self-love session where you take yourself on dates: indulge in a delicious home-cooked meal or treat yourself to a solo movie night. It’ll remind you that romantic relationships, however amazing, won’t fulfill your every need or happiness—that’s on you! 

Type 3:  Avoid Social Media Envy and Allow Yourself to Feel

When a relationship ends badly—which for Threes means you didn't control the narrative—you may feel like you’ve failed and lose a little bit of your self-worth. In those early days of being single, you may discover a darker underbelly to your need for success in everything—you may get green-eyed about your couple friends, for example, or feel envious about your ex's seemingly perfect new relationship.

But here’s the thing, Threes, you’re only seeing the highlights reel of their lives. Taking social media breaks can do wonders for your mental health and give you space to break down your own emotional barriers. Figure out how you feel and be honest with yourself and others—it's okay to not be okay. Now’s the time to strengthen your connections with the people in your life; they’ll see how resilient you are and remind you that your worth isn’t tied to your accomplishments or your relationship status.

Type 4: Find a Healthy Escape (Not Comfort Foods) 

In theory, creative Type Fours can take life’s curve balls and use them as inspiration for artistic self-expression. In practice, a sad event like a breakup might send you deeper into your melancholic tendencies. It feels easier to turn to comfort foods or other vices to boost your mood, instead of using this alone-time to work on your craft.

But here’s the secret, Fours: if you use this time to create something beautiful and meaningful, it’ll help you process your emotions in a healthy way. Joining a local workshop where you can express yourself creatively will help you far more than a tub of ice cream ever will. Even better if it's a group class—you'll have the added bonus of connecting with like-minded individuals and building a support system.

Type 5: Say “Yes” To Social Invites 

You’re a black belt in making the most of your independence, so being single doesn’t send you scurrying back onto dating apps, Five. You are perhaps the type least likely to jump into a new relationship because you’re happy in your own company—it might even feel like a relief to be able to focus on your hobbies without having to consider someone else’s needs or wants.

But while this is empowering for a while, your introversion could become isolating after a while. Don’t let it! 

Instead, say “yes” to social invitations  a couple of times a month. It will expose you to new experiences, perspectives and relationships that don’t have to be romantic. This will also help you to strengthen bonds with people in your life so you can build trust, which can be hard for Fives.

Type 6: Have People Say Good Things About You

Sixes need to feel secure to be happy. If you’re just out of a long-term relationship, you probably feel like a ship without an anchor. In this vulnerable state, it’s easy to become negative about yourself and your dating future: “What if I never find someone again?” or “What if no one ever loves me?”

But don’t let your worst fears take over. Now’s a good time to reach out to friends and loved ones. Ask them to listen to you vent without trying to solve your problems—this will help you feel supported. Even better, ask them what they like about you and write it down, so when your insecurities come knocking, you can remind yourself of all the wonderful things people close to you see in you. If you do succumb to nostalgia, it will put things into perspective and stop you from settling for a relationship that isn’t right for you just to feel secure.

Type 7: Carve Out Some Alone Time Every Day

Sevens are bubbly champagne in human form! When you’re single, you tend to throw yourself into fun activities, adventures and meeting new people. The idea of sitting still for a moment to process your emotions seems like a mountain you’d rather not climb. However, this restlessness could boil over and make you choose experiences from a place of FOMO instead of enjoyment, which really is just delaying the time when you have to face your feelings.

Try to become more comfortable with moments of solitude. Giving yourself five or 10 minutes daily to sit with your feelings can be an adventure in itself. You don’t have to meditate if that’s not your thing—you can write a journal, listen to some tunes, paint, or just listen to what your inner voice is trying to tell you about your next move. 

Type 8: Take Stock Instead of Taking Action

When life delivers an out-of-the-blue breakup, your knee-jerk reaction is to jump into the driver’s seat and take control of your future. Who has the time to feel low when there are new dreams to chase, right? What's-their-name is in the past and it's time for you to move on.

Eights, this is a great quality of yours, but sometimes you use confidence and action as a mask to hide your vulnerabilities. You have to process your feelings to move on from them properly. When loved ones ask you how you’re doing since your breakup, consider opening up to them instead of hiding what you genuinely feel.  They will respect you more for it and might even be able to help or guide you.

Type 9: Make a Decision

Drama-hating Nines go with other people’s flow a little too much, just to avoid conflict. In a relationship, this could mean letting your partner take the lead in most decisions and compromising on what you want. But now that you’re single, it’s time to make decisions that benefit you—not just to keep the peace with your former partner.

You may be out of practice and procrastinate out of fear of making the wrong choice. So start small. Commit to making one low-risk decision daily, whether it's picking the restaurant for dinner or choosing which movie to watch. Although being back in the driver’s seat can feel scary, it’s so much more rewarding and fun than being a passenger. Plus, it’ll help you to regain a sense of self and independence that may have been lost in your previous relationship.