How To Stop Feeling So, So Jealous of Your Ex’s New Partner, According to Therapists

Just when you think you’ve finally moved on, your ex pops up on social media with someone new. Logically, you know they’re entitled to date whoever they want,  but you can’t deny the knot in your stomach. Photos of them together are making you queasy. You hate to admit it, but you’re jealous. 

Maybe you’re wondering what this new partner has that you don’t, or what your ex even sees in them. Either way, those feelings are normal—you’re definitely not alone in having them, and you shouldn’t feel ashamed. How jealousy shows up can look a little different depending on your personality and attachment style, but therapists agree that with the right support, it’s something you can absolutely work through.

Why Am I Jealous of My Ex’s New Relationship?

What causes jealousy is a mixed bag as no two people have the same story or life experiences.  The most obvious reason is that you haven’t truly moved on from that relationship and still harbor feelings for your ex. However, some research suggests that jealousy is tied up with self-esteem. The lower your sense of self-worth, the more likely you are to compare yourself to your ex’s new partner or question your own value in the aftermath of the breakup.

Interestingly, one study of over 7,000 Finnish twins found a 29% correlation with genetics and a 71% correlation with environmental factors. This suggests that some tendency toward jealousy may come from your gene pool.  Your gender and culture may also have something to do with how likely you are to experience jealousy, or it could be a result of the relationships you saw growing up—like we said, it’s a mixed bag!

Ultimately, you can’t begin to heal until you uncover the real reason behind your jealousy. Here are some reasons that therapists suggest you may be experiencing it.

Your ex still has influence over you

Micah Brown, M.S., licensed marriage and family therapist, says the first thing to uncover is whether the ex-partner still has a lot of power in your life. “Depending on what the dynamics were in the relationship, I would want to know... what kind of influence does this person have? What meaning do they still have for you that they still have this much power?”

If jealousy is hitting especially hard, it might be something worth exploring further with a therapist or a trusted friend. There could be a lot to unpack about where those feelings are coming from and what they say about your sense of self.

You haven’t finished with the grieving process

It’s also worth thinking about where you are in the grieving process. Brown says that closure isn’t “necessarily owed or guaranteed” when a relationship ends, but not getting closure can make it hard to move on. Sometimes, when jealousy pops up, it’s a sign that part of you still wishes things had turned out differently or you have unfinished emotional business.  

Licensed Psychotherapist and abandonment trauma specialist, Shawnessa Devonish-Ford LCPC, NCC, says that seeing your ex with a new partner can trigger trauma and grief, because it highlights the finality of the loss. “A lot of people don't really navigate breakups from a grief perspective,” she explains. “The reality is, it's a loss, right? Not everyone looks at those disenfranchised losses, such as losing a partner, losing a home. But they do trigger a significant grief response that many people struggle with regulating emotionally.” 

You may need to do some personal growth work

Taking a closer look at your own beliefs and the challenges you’re bringing into your relationships can be eye-opening. Brown suggests asking yourself a few tough questions, like: 

• What are your ideas about who should end up together? 
• Why do you choose the partners you do? 
• How much "magical thinking" do you engage in when it comes to love?

Brown describes magical thinking as the “extent to which people believe in fate.”  Do you think your ex was your predestined soulmate? If so, this can affect how you process that past breakup. One study found that continuing to think of an ex as an attachment figure, even after the relationship is over, can make the healing process a lot harder. The more someone looks to their ex to fill that partner role, the longer it takes to feel okay again.

Devonish-Ford also encourages reflecting on self-esteem during this process. “Insecurity stems from low self-esteem that most people don't realize they’re experiencing or that they had in the past, before the relationship,” she explains. “Many individuals who come to my space do so because of past experiences and self-esteem challenges, and when they're dealing with a breakup, these things surface.” 

If feelings of rejection are lingering, it could be a sign that there are deeper insecurities worth exploring.

Could Your Personality Type Be at Work Here?

Surprisingly, there isn’t a lot of data about whether some personality types are more jealous than others. Some studies have shown a potential connection between high Neuroticism on the Big Five system of personality and increased rates of jealousy, but the correlation is only slight. Neuroticism refers to a tendency to experience strong negative emotions like anxiety and insecurity, which can make someone more sensitive to jealousy in relationships. 

So far, researchers haven’t found clear links between jealousy and the other Big Five traits, such as Openness or Extraversion. 

In fact, many psychologists suspect that your attachment style may play a bigger role than personality in how you experience, express and manage jealousy. Here’s what we know.

Attachment Styles and Jealousy in Relationships

For a brief refresher, attachment theory suggests that the emotional bonds you had with your primary caregivers when you were a child lay out a map for your future relationships. 

The three main attachment styles are secure, anxious, and avoidant.

Research shows that people of all attachment styles can feel jealous at times—even those with a balanced, secure attachment aren't immune. But some studies hint that more intense or disruptive jealousy can show up in those with insecure attachment styles. For example, someone with avoidant attachment might find themselves stuck in intrusive thoughts or suspicions about their current partner or an ex, while an anxious attachment style may lead to both overthinking and behaviors like repeatedly checking a partner’s social media.

Both Brown and Devonish-Ford agree that anyone can experience jealousy, no matter their attachment style. It’s just that the way it plays out can depend on the patterns established earlier in life.

Anxious attachment

Devonish-Ford says individuals with an anxious attachment style “have this intense craving to be with that person because they desire that intensity, that connection and companionship.” Seeing their ex with a new partner just “intensifies those feelings.” Someone with anxious attachment might also be more open about their jealousy with their friends and family. This can make those feelings seem especially intense or obvious to others, even if those same emotions are brewing beneath the surface for people with other attachment styles.

Avoidant attachment

People with avoidant attachment tend to keep their jealous feelings under wraps. Rather than turning to loved ones or expressing sadness, they often bottle up their emotions. As Devonish-Ford explains, “A lot of their emotions will be shown through anger or irritability, because they're not in the space where they feel comfortable with sharing, ‘Hey, this is devastating to me, this is hurting me. This is hard for me to see.’”

This instinct to withdraw can be misunderstood. “Avoidant folks get a lot of flak because they get characterized as just not caring or [being] nonchalant, but it's really that they’re more protective of their energy,” explains Brown. “It's a different strategy for dealing with the same fears of being mistreated or hurt.” In other words, their jealousy often appears as distance or frustration, not because they don’t care, but because opening up feels risky.

Secure attachment

People with a secure attachment style generally feel more confident in their relationships, so they’re less likely to act on jealous impulses or engage in things like Instagram stalking. But as Devonish-Ford points out, this “doesn't mean that they’ve demolished all of their traumatic experiences in their lives, and those triggers or thoughts and feelings won't surface.” Even securely attached individuals can find those old wounds, like fears of abandonment, resurfacing when they see an ex with someone new, sometimes with surprising intensity.

Ultimately, Devonish-Ford says that jealousy isn’t just about attachment style alone. Personal history, past trauma and individual personality traits can all come together to shape how jealousy shows up and whether those irrational or outsized reactions to an ex’s new relationship end up taking over, even when they don’t seem to make any sense.

How to Get Over It

Getting over your jealousy isn’t going to happen overnight, and that’s okay! But if you put in the work and take these therapist-approved tips to heart, you’ll be well on your way to putting your ex’s new relationship in your  rear view mirror where it belongs.

1. Improve your relationship with yourself

It may sound trite, but your view of yourself and your self-esteem should be top priorities for overcoming your jealousy. Brown suggests you start with a simple check-in: what is your “attachment” to yourself? Understanding how you feel about yourself outside of a relationship can give you a starting point for personal growth.

Try doing something solo, like taking a walk or treating yourself to a meal out. As you do, pay attention to your thoughts and reactions. “Be present with whatever comes up in the moment,” says Brown. “That might give you a snapshot of where you're at with your relationship with yourself. “ From there, you can start thinking about small ways to shift how you see and value yourself outside of a relationship context.

2. Reevaluate your perspective toward romantic relationships 

“Most of us, on some level, have a bias in favor of romantic relationships,” Brown says. He suggests it’s worth asking whether you might be putting too much importance on romance compared to other connections in your life. The following questions can help you get clarity: 

• Have you isolated yourself from friends and family to pursue romantic relationships? 
• Do you need to be more balanced in the types of connections you’re pursuing? 
• What are your beliefs around romantic relationships versus platonic ones?

If things feel out of balance, working on friendships, family connections, career and hobbies can help build a stronger support system. 

3. Flip the power to advocating for yourself

“I think what's not in the narrative for a lot of folks is self-advocacy and empowerment,” Brown says. He recommends reframing the narrative about your ex’s influence over you and shifting that focus to self-advocacy—“What might it mean for you to have just as much power and influence in your own life? What might it mean for your own needs, values, hopes and dreams to take up the most space in your own life versus this other person's behavior?”

It might take time to get there, so be patient with yourself.

4. Challenge your cognitive distortions

Cognitive distortions are those unhelpful and unrealistic thinking patterns that keep you stuck in jealousy and rumination. Devonish-Ford uses cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) in her practice to help people “improve the narrative that you have about yourself, self-blame and self-defeating thoughts, and assist you with developing healthier and effective coping practices.”

If you’re not able to work with a therapist right now, here are a few steps you can try on your own:

• Keep a gratitude journal. Focusing on what you appreciate—even little things—can help nudge your mindset away from negative, jealous thoughts.
• Challenge your thinking by “putting your thoughts on trial.” Devonish-Ford recommends writing down a jealous thought, then looking for evidence for or against it. For instance, if you’re thinking “I’m worthless because my ex is dating someone new,” ask yourself whether there’s any real proof for that, or whether it’s just a distortion. “99% of the time, you're in the space where your thoughts are extremely incorrect. So challenge your thoughts from that perspective,” she says.

5. Set healthy boundaries

If you’re constantly checking up on your ex’s movements, it might be time to set healthier boundaries with your social media use, says Devonish-Ford. “We're in this technological space where we have easy access to any and everybody,” she says. “Set boundaries with social media and honor them.” This could mean muting your ex, taking a break from their feed, or even logging off completely for a bit if that’s what helps most.

6. Use jealousy as a tool for growth

Devonish-Ford wants you to know that jealousy is a natural emotion; you just need to watch for the unhealthy behaviors that could come with it. Don’t suppress your emotions. Instead, give yourself a safe way to feel and process them so you can truly heal.

Brown agrees with this perspective: “All of our emotions are valid, but that doesn't mean that our emotions are correct. Process that, address it. At the same time, that does not mean [your jealousy] is important, that it actually should matter in your life, and that this person should matter in your life. All of those things can be true at the same time.” In other words, stop letting jealousy dictate your choices.  Make space for your feelings and process them thoughtfully, and you’ll start to take their power away.

“The reality is we all experience jealousy,” says Devonish-Ford. “Use your jealousy as fuel. Use it as a tool to be introspective and help guide you down the path of growth and combat those irrational behaviors.”