Is it Relationship OCD or the Wrong Relationship?

Imagine that you’ve found the perfect person to date. They share your interests and reciprocate your feelings. They enjoy being with you and clearly care about you. After a series of dead-end relationships, you finally feel like you’ve met your match.

But despite all of this, there’s a nagging voice in the back of your mind telling you that something is wrong. Instead of feeling excited about this healthy and promising relationship, you’re obsessing over their texts and second-guessing everything they do and say. Out of nowhere, uncomfortable thoughts pop into your head: What if I'm not actually attracted to this person? Are they smart/funny/interesting enough? Am I settling for less than I deserve?

While it’s normal to have anxieties when getting into a new relationship, if you’re constantly living in doubt, replaying questions like this over and over and feeling like you can’t trust your own feelings, it may be a sign that you’re struggling with relationship OCD. 

What is Relationship OCD? 

As you probably know, OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) is a mental health condition involving repeated, unwanted thoughts and repetitive behaviors. For example, a person with OCD might obsess over the idea that they left their curling iron on at home, and feel compelled to drive back and check multiple times even if they logically know they turned it off. 

In relationship OCD (ROCD), those unwanted thoughts and compulsions are linked to the dating experience. There are two types of ROCD: 

• Relationship-centered OCD involves getting stuck in obsessive thoughts about the relationship, such as if it’s right for you or if it’s going to fail. Someone struggling with relationship-obsession might constantly think "Do they really love me?" and ask their partner for reassurance multiple times a day.
• Partner-centered OCD  involves obsessive and usually negative thoughts about the partner, such as whether they are good enough for you or how they compare to your exes. This type of ROCD can get toxic very quickly—there’s constant questioning about your partner's traits and perceived character flaws, which can push them away and be damaging for their self-esteem. 

It's important to note that ROCD is not a medical term, and no doctor or therapist would officially diagnose someone with this condition. However, it's a useful way  of describing a pattern of behavior and thought that many people experience, and it can be helpful to learn more about it if you feel like it resonates with your own experiences.

Normal Relationship Doubts Or a Sign of ROCD?

So how do you know if what you’re feeling is just normal relationship doubts or something more serious? Here are some signs that your worries may be related to ROCD: 

Constant intrusive thoughts

If you find yourself constantly questioning your partner or the relationship, even when things seem to be going well, it could be a sign of ROCD. Examples of uncomfortable thoughts include: 

• “Am I good enough for my partner?” 
• “Does my partner really like me?” 
• “Is my partner cheating/lying to me?” 
• “I haven’t heard from my partner all day. Are they over me?” 
• “I don’t always think about my partner. Does this mean I don’t love them?” 

While everyone might experience doubts like this occasionally, perhaps after a blow-out fight or disagreement, if these thoughts are constantly on your mind and affecting your daily life, it may be a sign of ROCD.

Repetitive rituals that comfort you

Similar to other types of OCD, those struggling with ROCD may have certain rituals or compulsions that temporarily ease their anxiety. For example, you might check your partner’s social media for assurance that they're as good as your exes or other potentials in the dating pool, or even install a tracking app on their cell phone to prove their infidelity.

Reading more into situations

ROCD can cause a person to constantly analyze and overthink every interaction with their partner, looking for hidden meanings or clues about the relationship. For example, suppose your partner mentions seeing their ex at the mall. A healthy response might be “Oh, that’s interesting.” But it could be ROCD if you spend hours trying to figure out what it means and if your partner still has feelings for your ex.

Making comparisons to see if your relationship is 'good enough'

Comparing your partner to previous partners, to other peoples’ relationships, to your idea of a 'perfect' relationship, or to what you see on TV can be a sign of ROCD. Fixating on aspects of your partner's personality that they can't change is another common trait of this condition. If you think their laugh is 'too high-pitched' or think their desire for alone-time after a stressful day is annoying, it could be ROCD talking.

Endlessly seeking reassurance and validation

Do you need to be told "I love you" or "You're the one" multiple times a day, even if your partner has already expressed their feelings in the past? Do you constantly test your partner—asking loaded questions like, "Do you like me more than your ex?" or "What would you do if I broke up with you?"—in order to get reassurance? These are all signs of ROCD.

The same goes if you're seeking out other forms of validation, such as dissecting what posts your partner liked on social media, taking TikTok quizzes to see if the relationship is healthy, or asking your friends to give a second opinion. These behaviors may give temporary relief but, ultimately, they can cause strain on the relationship and reinforce the cycle of doubt.  

How to Deal with Relationship OCD 

Now the good news—ROCD is treatable, and many people have successfully overcome it with healthy habits and self-care. Here are some strategies to help manage your ROCD: 

• Let your partner know what's happening

Honesty is always the best policy in relationships. While it can be tough to admit your struggles, it's important for your partner to understand what you're going through. ROCD can be confusing and overwhelming, and explaining it to your partner can help them better support you. For example, you can agree that it's okay to ask for reassurance three times a day, but outside of those times, you'll trust that they love and care for you.

• Avoid “comparisonitis” 

Limit exposure to social media or TV shows that give you unrealistic ideas of love and relationships. No real relationship will ever look like a romantic comedy or perfect Instagram couple—those are just snippets of someone's life, not the whole picture.

• Ask for an outside opinion 

Sometimes, we get so caught up in our own black-or-white thinking that we need someone else to provide some perspective. That person might be a family member, trusted friend or therapist who can offer a different perspective on the things that are causing you worry. 

• Make a relationship gratitude list 

While you shouldn't ignore legitimate red flags, it’s healthy to counterbalance irrational negative thoughts with positive ones. Keep a list of all the positive things about your relationship and the aspects of your partner's personality that you most enjoy, and refer to it when you're feeling particularly anxious or doubtful.

• Train your brain to be more mindful 

Relationship OCD can strike hardest when you least expect it, which is why practicing mindfulness can be helpful. Mindfulness trains your brain not to drift into obsessive thoughts. An easy mindfulness exercise is to pay attention to whatever is occurring in the present moment. So if your partner says something that triggers a negative thought, just acknowledge the thought and let it pass without reacting or acting on it. Instead, focus on what else is happening—the setting, their body language, what they're saying next, etc.  

It's Not Always ROCD

It’s important to remember that not every doubt or insecurity you experience in a relationship is necessarily ROCD. Some relationships are legitimately unhealthy or toxic, and it’s important to listen to your gut instincts if you feel like something is off. What matters most is whether your concerns are based on reality, or whether you are imagining or exaggerating scenarios in your head. 

A good rule of thumb? If the problem seems bigger when you're on your own, or you're having to search very hard for 'evidence' that your relationship or partner is not good enough, it's likely the issues are coming from within.  Do the inner work before you decide to leave a relationship, or you may end up with regrets.