“Quiet Quitting” a Friendship - A Low EQ Response or a Thoughtful Exit?
Your phone buzzes and your heart immediately sinks. You were having a nice day, until you saw their name appear on your screen. But here you are again, wishing that this person would simply leave you alone — except, they are supposed to be your friend. You sigh. Reluctantly, you pick up your phone and start typing out a reply.
Does this scene sound familiar? Let’s face it, not all friendships are perfect. Every relationship has its natural ups and downs. However, if you have a friendship that’s past its expiration date, it’s time to do something about it.
One option is to tackle the issue head on and agree to go your separate ways. But Gen Z prefers a different approach. Much like they were quiet quitting their jobs a couple of years ago, they’re now doing the same with their less-than-ideal friendships, the ones they'd rather fade away into the background.
What Does it Mean to “Quiet Quit” a Friendship?
Chances are, you’ve heard of “quiet quitting” already. In a professional context, it means slowly putting less and less energy into your job to give yourself an easy life in the hope that your boss will eventually fire you. The general idea is that you continue to show up for work in body, but your mind is somewhere else.
But how does that work in the context of a friendship?
“Quiet quitting in friendships is a slow fade — pulling back without having the “we aren’t friends anymore” conversation,” says Kathryn Wood, a Tennessee-based Licensed Professional Counselor, Certified Rehabilitation Counselor, Board-Certified Music Therapist, and founder of Emboldened Therapy. When a friendship is dead and buried — at least to you — you let your behavior do the talking instead of a direct conversation. For example, you might be slow to respond to this person, avoid hanging out with them, or give only closed (but kind) replies.
These small things are indicators that you’re less invested in the friendship than you once were. Rather than having a big friendship breakup, you hope that the two of you can simply grow apart.
When Should You Quiet Quit a Friendship?
Contrary to what the voice inside may tell you, you don’t owe anyone your friendship. You don’t owe anyone your time, energy or attention. These should all be things that you give willingly because you actually want to. If you’re in a situation where that isn’t the case, you have every right to look for healthy ways out.
That said, some relationships are worth fighting for, and it’s important to understand the difference between a rough patch and a situation you're just not feeling anymore. Here are some signs that it may be time to gracefully withdraw:
You’re friends with a narcissist
People with narcissistic traits can drain you. If your friend is manipulative, emotionally abusive or otherwise toxic, it’s no wonder you want to go no-contact with them. Narcissists tend to blow up when they feel threatened. So, if you’re worried that your friend will cause a scene and go on the attack, it may be better to peace out slowly without them noticing.
You’ve naturally grown apart
Some friendships are for a season — some are for a lifetime. If you feel as though you and your friend have less and less in common, that’s perfectly okay. It actually takes a high level of emotional intelligence to understand that not everything lasts forever. And that you have the power to do something about it.
The two of you may be on different paths. For example, you may have studied together at college but now have completely different careers, lifestyles and family constraints. If that’s the case, it’s normal to become less close over time. You may be letting the inevitable happen.
You’ve given them plenty of chances
Is this the last straw? Perhaps you’ve been patient with a friend who keeps crossing your boundaries and you feel that you’re left with no other options. If you’ve tried to repair a connection that your friend is stretching to its limits, it may be time to say goodbye.
Is “Quiet Quitting” the Right Move?
You might worry that “quiet quitting” is a sign of low Emotional Intelligence, and you’d be a little bit right — when done for the wrong reasons, it can be. For example, if you’re avoiding the conversation with your friend just because you don’t want to have a difficult or awkward situation, that can be seen as a lack of emotional maturity. Quietly leaving a friendship without offering any explanation can leave your friend feeling confused and hurt, wondering if they did something wrong. This is not exactly a high-empathy move.
However, there are times when a non-confrontational option is the healthiest way to go.
For Dr. Leslie Sanders, a licensed clinical psychologist and Program Director of AToN Center, quiet quitting is a healthy option when you need to “disengage with awful, one-sided, toxic friendships.” Fading out, rather than confronting an emotionally charged situation, “helps individuals maintain their emotional safety while shifting their focus toward healthier relationships,” she says.
Wood suggests that, rather than being a low-EQ response, quiet quitting is actually a sign of self-awareness and self-care. “When you pull back from a relationship it doesn't always have to mean there’s a lack of care, but rather that you are putting yourself first. You're choosing to leave when something fails to provide essential growth or mutual respect and understanding,” she says.
Of course, putting yourself first has its limits. If you’re done with a friendship despite the other person trying to resolve any issues, it may be more mature to speak to them directly. Avoiding the situation under the guise of self-care can be cruel. Take the time to think about what the relationship means to each of you before you make the decision to “quiet quit” it altogether.
“Self-preservation becomes avoidance when it crosses a very thin line,” says Wood. “One is healthy; the other isn’t. It is not fair to turn away from someone who wants to understand and resolve rifts simply because you’re not in the mood. A balanced approach exists which requires a truthful assessment of how much value the relationship holds.”
How to “Quiet Quit” a Friendship: Tips and Advice
“Quiet quitting” a friendship is no small feat. It can be confusing for the other person and can lead to feelings of guilt for you. So, before you do it, you have to be 100% sure it’s the right move and that you’ve exhausted all other options. Let’s take a look at some tips and advice.
1. Consider your social circle
If you have loads of friends in common, tapping out of a friendship may not be as easy as you think. Consider how often you may run into this person, whether you will damage the very fabric of the friendship group, and how you can approach it with care.
“Having a conversation is key when you still care enough to make things right, or when the relationship — especially long-term ones or those in shared social circles — will benefit from it,” says Wood. “When you value a friendship, even as it changes, you owe it to each other to talk. It doesn’t have to be dramatic, but honesty goes a long way. If you’ll keep running into each other, getting on the same page can ease tension, especially in smaller communities.”
2. Be quiet but never cruel
The way that you “quiet quit” a friendship matters. Remember: your intention is to make this process easy, not to damage the other person. If you’re ghosting your friend to hurt them, that is a problem. Additionally, you shouldn’t simply blank them when they get in touch. That is an aggressive move and will likely lead to them reaching out more to see what the issue is.
This approach means slowly moving back from the friendship. You may take longer to respond to the person when they message you or refrain from making plans with them. Don’t simply cut them off. Instead, look for smaller ways that you can pull back a little at a time.
3. Let yourself grieve
Exiting any friendship is going to be tough, even if you’ve decided that this one is not serving you. Don’t overlook the emotional impact of this decision. Once you’ve finally cut ties, you might start to feel sad, lonely, and even guilty. It’s important to know what to do with these feelings.
“Let yourself feel it. Guilt is normal, but it’s not helpful if you dwell on it. You did what you needed to do for yourself — and that’s okay,” says Wood. “Don’t ignore the sadness either. It’s a loss. Recognizing that you’re grieving can help you process it. Sometimes, it’s just about sitting with the discomfort and understanding that distancing yourself is often a form of self-respect.”
4. Speak to a professional
If you’re struggling with this decision, it may be time to speak to a professional. Working things through with a therapist can put your mind at rest. Be honest about what has led you to this point, why you have decided to end things with your friend, and how it makes you feel. Having a professional support you during this period is a smart way to support your well-being.
5. Focus on healthy connections
Do you feel like something is missing? If you previously spent a lot of time with your former friend, you may be feeling lonely. The urge to reach back out will be strong, and you will need to focus your attention elsewhere and distract yourself.
“Developing closer friendships starts with honest dialogue and establishing healthy boundaries. When relationships are more open and genuine, there is less need to “quiet” withdraw,” says Sanders.
Takeaway
Deciding to “quiet quit” a friendship is a bold move. However, in some circumstances, it may be your only choice. If you need to protect your own mental well-being and cannot see any other options, you might consider this route. Use the advice we’ve shared in this guide to help you get started. And remember, approach this challenging situation with kindness and compassion.
