Thinking of Going ‘No Contact’ with a Narcissist? Read This First
You’ve had enough. Your limit not only exists, but the narcissist in your life went way past it, a long time ago. Your attempts to calmly handle the narcissist have gotten nowhere. There’s only one thing left: cutting them off completely.
But before you do, there are some important things to consider. Going no contact is a drastic step, and narcissists rarely go quietly. You'll need some specific strategies to help you detach—figuratively and literally—from the narcissist, and manage the fallout.
What Does ‘No Contact’ Mean?
‘No contact’ is exactly what it says on the tin. It means cutting off any type of contact with the narcissist. That means no phone calls, no texts, no long, hand-written letters. Nothing. It’s not a move to be taken lightly, or done without forethought. This is an extreme measure that people often take when they feel that they have exhausted all other options available to them.
Of course, making this decision is highly personal. We’re all different and have different breaking points when it comes to relationships. However, choosing to go ‘no contact’ with a narcissist is not about punishing them. It can be an act of self love and, ultimately, self preservation.
If you’re considering cutting off a narcissist, it may be helpful to talk this through with a therapist first. This will allow you the time and space to fully understand the gravity of the decision. Equally, you need to be aware that the narcissist may not walk willingly out of your life.
“Going ‘no contact’ with a narcissist is undoubtedly challenging, but it’s often a necessary step towards healing,” explains Nancy Ryan, LMFT, CEO of Relationship Therapy Center. “Expect some turbulence as you navigate their potential backlash, but remain firm in your decision.”
What to Expect When you Block Out a Narcissist
Narcissists thrive on power and the supply they get from others. The second you cut them off, you take that away from them. It would be naive to expect them to be happy with your decision or respect your boundaries. In a perfect world, that may happen. However, we don’t live in a perfect world and you need to prepare yourself for the backlash.
Of course, the way your specific narcissist reacts will be somewhat unique to their personality. However—in a lot of cases—narcissists run the same playbook. Preparing yourself for their onslaught is a must. Let’s take a look at some of the things you can expect here.
Direct attacks
First up, the most obvious way a narcissist may react is with anger. If this person is prone to outbursts, you can expect them when you decide to cut off contact. If you haven’t blocked them on all platforms, they may use these streams to try to get in touch with you.
“The narcissist may try to get in contact with you through multiple forms of communication: text messages, email, phone calls, etc.,” says Ryan. “By disconnecting, you are starving them of their attention supply. They may try to belittle or shame you for having no contact with them.”
You might be under the impression that you’ve plugged up every hole. However, if the narcissist is persistent, they may stop at nothing to reach out to you. Be wary of any messages you get in the wake of this ‘no contact’ news, and make sure that people are who they say they are.
“The narcissist may also try to reconnect with you through social media by creating new or even fake social media accounts to harass you,” she continues.
Mixed emotions
If the narcissist manages to get in touch, chances are, their emotions will be all over the place. You’ve threatened their sense of self by removing yourself from the equation. It’s no wonder that their feelings will be up and down during this time.
“Narcissists might alternate between anger and charm, trying to emotionally manipulate you into breaking the no-contact boundary,” explains Dr. Carolina Estevez, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist at Crestone Wellness. “You might receive a barrage of angry texts filled with accusations, insults or threats, expressing their outrage at your decision to cut ties.”
“They may leave voicemails that swing from begging for you to come back to rage-filled tirades, showcasing their emotional instability,” he continues.
Guilt-tripping
Are you ready to have your heart strings pulled? One of the most common tactics a narcissist will use is guilt-tripping. When you try to enforce boundaries, they may well act hurt and do anything they can to convince you that you’re the villain in this story.
“They may portray themselves as the victim, emphasizing how your absence has negatively impacted them. This can involve exaggerated stories of loneliness or despair,” says Ryan. “They might remind you of past sacrifices they made for you, suggesting that you owe them for their kindness or support, framing your lack of contact as betrayal.”
Love bombing
Of course, if that doesn’t work, there’s another trick up their sleeve: love bombing. Narcissists tend to be great at love bombing, because it is how they initially lure people in.
“They may shower you with compliments, highlighting how amazing you are and how much they've missed your presence, trying to make you feel valued and important again,” says Ryan. “The narcissist might claim they've changed or are working on their issues, appealing to your desire for improvement in the relationship, making it seem like this time will be different.”
Smear campaigns
Let’s say you’re successful in blocking out the narcissist's noise. In that case, you might find that they look for alternate routes to get to you. One way that they can affect you is through rumors. In an obvious bid to get your attention, you may find that the narcissist starts a smear campaign.
The narcissist may look for any avenue they can find to do this. “Be prepared for them to use others, like mutual friends, to deliver messages, or try to stir conflict,” warns Estevez.
Protecting your mutual friendships and relationships can be challenging. If others don’t see through the narcissist’s lies, you could risk losing people that you care about. This is one of the main ways that a narcissist will enact their power and, the sad thing is, it works. However, know that the people who truly love and support you will do so regardless of this tactic.
“They may fabricate stories about you, portraying you in a negative light to mutual friends, family or colleagues, aiming to damage your reputation,” says Ryan. “They might post vague but damaging remarks about you on social media, allowing others to interpret the message while maintaining a degree of deniability.”
Put simply, narcissists love to control the narrative and will do whatever it takes to convince people they’re right. “They may turn friends or family members against you, spreading rumors or negative comments to influence how others view you,” she continues.
How to Protect your Mental and Physical Health
It’s not all doom and gloom. Now that you know what to expect, let’s talk about how you can protect both your mental and physical health during this period.
Seek support from others
You already realize that this will be a tricky time in your life. So, before you go ‘no contact’ with the narcissist, garner some support around you. Don’t be afraid to reach out to those you trust to have your back, and let them know that you might need a little more from them for a while.
“Going no contact with a narcissist can be mentally and emotionally draining. Surrounding yourself with a robust support system—whether through trusted friends, family, or a support group—is critical to maintaining your strength,” says Estevez.
“If the situation becomes overwhelming or you struggle with the emotional toll, seeking guidance from a mental health professional is recommended,” she continues. “Therapy can provide personalized coping strategies and help reinforce your emotional well-being while navigating these problematic dynamics.”
Stick to your boundaries
The narcissist will do anything they can to break down your boundaries—and that’s exactly why you have to stick to them. Staying strong, no matter what tactics they attempt to employ, is the only way forward.
“To effectively combat these adverse reactions, sticking to your boundaries with no exceptions is vital,” says Estevez. “Avoid engaging in any form of communication, even through intermediaries, as this will only encourage further manipulation. Consider blocking the narcissist on all communication platforms and asking friends or family not to relay any messages.”
Boost your self-care
Feeling wobbly? That’s perfectly natural. When you’re dealing with a slew of negativity from a narcissist, it’s going to have an impact on your mental health. While it may be entirely necessary to leave this relationship, that doesn’t mean that it will be easy.
“Narcissistic relationships can leave deep emotional scars. Engage in self-care practices that nurture your mental and physical well-being,” says Ryan. “This could involve therapy, journaling, exercise or any activity that promotes your healing and growth.”
Be kind to yourself and think about what you need to stay positive through this time. If that means working alongside a therapist or someone you trust, you may want to look into that.
Find a community
“Additionally, it can be helpful to read literature or connect with support groups focused on narcissistic abuse to find solidarity with others who understand your situation,” says Estevez.
Knowledge is power. Hearing other people’s stories may give you a sense of community and solace. Read articles, join online communities and take a look on social media (although apply a level of skepticism here). There are also plenty of support groups you can tap into.
Going No Contact: The Takeaway
Going ‘no contact’ with a narcissist is a gigantic step, and one that shouldn’t be underestimated. However, it is possible and—with the right support and tools—you can emerge from it happier, healthier and more grounded than before. Use the advice we’ve shared in this guide, do your own research, and consider working with a therapist if you decide to make the move.
